Witch Wars Page 4

  Peggy took a huge swig of her drink and made a massive slurping noise.

  ‘I love this place!’ said Tiga.

  ‘Yeah? It’s all right, I suppose,’ said Fluffanora.

  ‘You’re so cool!’ gushed Peggy. ‘And you have such a unique name.’

  Tiga nodded, but Fluffanora shook her head and took a sip of her drink.

  ‘It’s not my real name. When I was four, I demanded they change it. I used to be called Anna, but Fluffanora seemed cooler at the time. Sometimes I wish they hadn’t given me everything I wanted.’

  Peggy cackled and nearly fell off her chair. ‘Oh frog-pies, that’s hilarious! You changed your name! TO FLUFFANORA!’

  Fluffanora paused and looked sternly at Peggy for a worrying second, but then cackled too. It was the first time Tiga had ever seen her laugh.

  The witches at the table next to them burst into a chorus of cackles too. They were, much to Tiga’s surprise, cackling at their spoons.

  ‘What are they doing?’ she asked.

  ‘Watching TV,’ said Peggy.

  ‘On spoons?’ Tiga spluttered.

  ‘Of course. Why, where do you watch TV, Tiga?’

  ‘Well, on a TV,’ Tiga said.

  ‘Yes, but where do you make the TV appear?’

  Tiga had no idea what Peggy was talking about.

  ‘So you can’t do the TV spell?’ Fluffanora asked as she waved at Mrs Clutterbuck and ordered another drink.

  Tiga didn’t really want to admit that she didn’t know any spells.

  ‘She doesn’t know any spells,’ said Peggy, patting Tiga on the back, ‘but I’m going to teach her some.’

  ‘Witch Wars is going to be tricky if you don’t know any spells!’ said Fluffanora. She must’ve seen Tiga’s face crumple, because she quickly added, ‘Not that you really need spells for Witch Wars …’

  ‘You don’t?’ Tiga asked.

  It sort of sounded to her like you really did.

  ‘Why don’t you teach her the TV spell, Peggy?’ said Fluffanora.

  ‘YES!’ Peggy cried, attempting to stand up but then remembering she was on a floating chair. ‘Where would you like to watch TV?’

  Tiga glanced around Clutterbucks. Only a couple of tables in front of them sat a witch scratching her bald head.

  ‘On her head!’ Tiga joked.

  ‘Oh, OK,’ Peggy said casually, ‘look at her head and repeat after me: TV.’

  ‘We can make a TV on the back of her head?’ Tiga asked. ‘I was joking.’

  ‘Of course we can,’ said Peggy. ‘Now, repeat: TV.’

  ‘TV,’ said Tiga.

  ‘TV,’ Peggy said again.

  ‘TV,’ said Tiga.

  ‘TV, TV, TV.’

  ‘What? This is –’ Tiga started.

  ‘Oh, just say it,’ said Fluffanora.

  ‘TV, TV, TV,’ Tiga mumbled. And then, just like that, a moving image appeared on the back of the bald woman’s head!

  ‘Oh, you don’t want that channel!’ Peggy giggled. ‘That’s Fairy Five – it’s all just stuff for fairies.’

  The presenter fairy was pointing at a large window and shaking her finger, as some fairies smacked into it. WATCH OUT FOR WINDOWS scrolled along the bottom of the screen.

  ‘To change the channel, you click your fingers,’ said Peggy. But, before Tiga could, the bald witch pulled a hat on to her head and the screen disappeared.

  ‘That’s why people tend to watch it on spoons, because it’s easier,’ Peggy said. ‘Witch Wars will be the biggest thing on TV.’

  ‘Psst,’ said one of the witches at a nearby table. She nudged her friend and pointed at Tiga. ‘Witch Wars witches.’

  Tiga smiled at them, which made them giggle.

  ‘Oh, let’s not do Witch Wars,’ Fluffanora cried. ‘It’s so stupid.’

  ‘But if you win you get to live in Linden House!’ said Peggy.

  ‘Linden House is about five times smaller than my house,’ said Fluffanora. ‘And I mean the playhouse in my garden that I’ve had since I was two.’

  ‘It’s huge to me!’ said Peggy, sipping her Clutterbucks. ‘And if you win you get to make the rules and make things nice for people.’

  Tiga watched as Peggy pulled a tattered little notebook out of her pocket.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about the rules for as long as I can remember. Every time I think of a good one, I write it down. And if I ever meet someone who is sad I write their name in here just in case I ever do become Top Witch, and then I won’t forget to help them.’

  Tiga smiled as Peggy stuffed the notebook back in her pocket.

  ‘Ugh, that’s so boring, though!’ said Fluffanora, throwing her hands in the air. ‘Who cares about other people? Let’s just hide out in Clutterbucks and let one of the other witches win.’

  Tiga loved Clutterbucks, and the thought of making a fool of herself on the back of a spoon wasn’t really her idea of fun. And, now that she thought about it, she was never going to learn enough magic by the morning to actually win.

  ‘Yeah!’ Tiga cried. ‘Let’s hang out in Clutterbucks FOREVER!’

  She clinked her glass against Fluffanora’s.

  Fluffanora winked. ‘That’s the spirit!’

  Peggy scrunched up her face into a horrified little ball. ‘But, Tiga, don’t you want to compete? Don’t you owe it to the person who put you forward for Witch Wars?’

  Tiga put her drink down on the table. ‘Wait, someone put my name down for this?’

  Peggy nodded. ‘Of course! You have to be nominated by another Sinkville witch. The names of the first nine nine-year-old witches nominated in Sinkville on the day the Top Witch’s reign ends are chosen to compete.’

  ‘Who nominated you?’ Fluffanora asked Peggy.

  ‘My gran. She thinks I’m brilliant at everything, but I think that’s got a lot to do with the fact that she loves me and is almost completely blind. Who nominated you?’

  Fluffanora shook her head. ‘My mum. She thinks it’s a good way for me to make some friends. I had to remind her it’s a competition based on an ancient war.’

  They both looked at Tiga, who was staring blankly back at them.

  ‘Who nominated you, Tiga?’ Peggy asked.

  Tiga shook her head. ‘It’s impossible. I don’t know any witches. I’d never met a witch until I came here today.’

  ‘Someone knows you,’ said Fluffanora, finishing off her drink.

  ‘Who?’ Tiga asked.

  But Peggy and Fluffanora had no idea.

  On the way back to Linden House the wind whipped around them and Tiga tried desperately to study the face of every witch she passed on the street, hoping she’d see someone familiar. Cackles rang out around her and huge wide-brimmed hats shot past.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Peggy asked as they reached Linden House.

  There was a squeal as Fran shot out of the letterbox. ‘LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!’

  She screeched to a halt in front of Tiga.

  ‘FABULOUS,’ she concluded, before adding, ‘You’re just in time to pick beds.’

  Inside, it was difficult to see anything through all the grey feathers that were floating down in big clumps from upstairs.

  ‘I WANT THAT BED!’

  ‘I SAID THIS ROOM WAS MINE!’

  ‘STOP EATING MY PILLOW!’

  ‘There’s been some debate about who should sleep where,’ said Fran, as an especially large feather soared down and knocked her to the ground.

  Upstairs, Felicity Bat was levitating along the corridor as Aggie Hoof trotted along behind her.

  ‘Fel-Fel, can we sleep in the same room?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What if I promise not to read Toad out loud, Fel-Fel?’

  ‘No.’

  Tiga tugged Peggy’s arm. ‘How does Felicity Bat do that? Is it like the TV spell?’

  Peggy rolled her eyes. ‘Levitating? No, not at all. It’s an almost-impossible spell – barely any witches can do it. They say she�
��s gifted.’

  To the right, Molly was in a room hitting Lizzie Beast on the head with a pillow and Milly was swinging Patty Pigeon around by her pigtails.

  ‘GIRLS!’ Fran snapped. ‘The rooms are almost exactly the same. Well, apart from the huge one upstairs …’

  Everyone stopped and stared at Fran. Then, as if someone had hit the play button, they all shot up the stairs, pushing and shoving each other.

  Tiga, Peggy and Fluffanora watched them go.

  ‘There isn’t even a bed up there,’ Fran said with a chuckle. ‘There might be an angry cat, though …’

  Fluffanora wandered into a room and pressed a hand on the bed to check it was soft enough. ‘Night, ladies,’ she said, just as the sound of a furious cat screeching came from upstairs.

  Fran smiled. ‘Angry cat,’ she said. ‘So very, very angry.’

  Peggy and Tiga wandered along the corridor, slipping on feathers as they went. They decided on two light-grey rooms that sat side by side and were connected by a large door.

  They said goodnight and for the first time since Fran had marched into the crumbly old shed, Tiga was alone.

  On her bed was a little box and in it was a black nightie, a black toothbrush, a black tube of toothpaste and some foot cream, labelled Flappy Flora’s Floral Foot Cream.

  Tiga curled up in bed surrounded by the hundreds of portraits of witches that hung on the walls. She wondered if she knew any of them, or if maybe this was all a big mistake and she wasn’t really a witch. Maybe she was the wrong Tiga Whicabim. Her eyes darted from one witch to another, and settled on a terrifying one. A lace veil covered her face and you could just make out the fangs through it.

  It was just at that moment that Peggy came bursting through the door.

  ‘I JUST REALISED YOU MIGHT NEED SOME EXTRA FOOT CREAM. HERE, HAVE MINE!’ she yelled, making Tiga jump.

  ‘Um, I think I’m OK for foot cream, Pegs …’

  ‘Oh, OK, it’s not actually about the foot cream … Can I sleep in here? There’s a load of creepy paintings in my room.’ She looked to where Tiga was looking. ‘Argh! Your paintings are SO MUCH WORSE! I didn’t even think that was possible, but look! It is!’

  Tiga burst out laughing.

  It was almost a cackle.

  She patted the bed and Peggy jumped on to it and handed Tiga her tub of foot cream. ‘They don’t make that stuff any more because they realised “Flappy Flora’s Floral Foot Cream” is really difficult to say.’

  Tiga smiled and sniffed the cream. It smelled like flowers and feet. ‘Sinkville is full of such funny things,’ she said.

  ‘What’s it like above the pipes?’ asked Peggy as she wriggled under the covers.

  Tiga thought about it for a moment and said, ‘Different, but not better. I live with a terrible old woman called Miss Heks. She found me in the sink in her shed when I was a baby. No one knew who I belonged to or where I had come from, so she took me in. But she hates children, and me most of all. I practically live in the shed – it’s the only place I can go to get away from her.’

  ‘That’s terrible,’ said Peggy. ‘She sounds worse than a bad witch!’

  ‘Well,’ said Tiga, pointing at the scary witch painting. ‘I’m not sure she’s worse than that. But I love it here much more than up there above the pipes. I want to stay forever.’

  Peggy smiled a sympathetic smile and patted Tiga’s arm. ‘You’ll never have to go back. We’ll make sure of it. I’ll help you learn spells and we can work together to win Witch Wars!’

  Tiga grinned. Witch Wars wasn’t so scary with Peggy around.

  ‘How many spells do you know?’

  ‘Almost eight,’ said Peggy proudly. ‘And four of them sometimes work!’

  Tiga groaned and slid further under the covers.

  ‘KAREN!’ they heard Aggie Hoof scream. ‘You sleep downstairs.’

  ‘It’ll be cold down there,’ whispered Tiga. ‘Maybe we could see if Karen wants to sleep in here with us?’

  Peggy nodded. ‘Excellent idea!’ She took out her notebook and Tiga watched as, on the page titled People Peggy Must Remember to Help, she scribbled Karen.

  A bit of hair gunk fell from Peggy’s head and splattered on the page, smudging it almost completely.

  NEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWAAAAHHHHSSSH was the noise Tiga woke up to the following morning.

  ‘Come on, come on, we don’t have all day – well, I suppose we do have all day, unless we die, but let’s not think about death or take a really long time to get ready, OK?’ Fran said, zooming around the bedroom.

  It was a lot for Tiga to deal with at seven o’clock in the morning.

  ‘Downstairs for breakfast, please,’ said Fran before shooting out of the door.

  Tiga did up the zip on her Brew’s dress and adjusted her hat.

  ‘KAAAARRREEEEN?’ Aggie Hoof roared from the hallway.

  ‘I hope one of you two wins,’ Karen whispered, before scuttling off.

  Peggy bounded after her. ‘Come on, Tiga! BREAKFAST!’

  Tiga was about to run after them when she noticed a witch’s face appear in the window. As they were on the third floor, Tiga was pretty surprised to see a face hovering there, and so she squealed. The witch waved, took a photo and suddenly disappeared.

  When Tiga peered down, she saw the witch lying in a heap on the pavement on top of a broken ladder, surrounded by about a million witches in huge wide-brimmed hats. All at once they looked up.

  ‘IT’S THE TIGA WITCH!’ someone screeched.

  ‘THE ONE FROM ABOVE THE PIPES!’ another cried.

  Tiga nervously backed away and ran down the corridor. She took the stairs two at a time and landed with a thud in the hallway. She followed the clink of forks and the chatter of witches beyond the entrance hall to a large dining room. Fluffanora was already there, picking at a muffin. Peggy was next to her, spilling cereal everywhere.

  Fran was zooming around barking orders.

  ‘Where is Tiga?’

  Tiga hid behind the door.

  ‘Mupmairs,’ Peggy said.

  ‘Is that some sort of shop I don’t know about?’ Fran asked.

  ‘Upstairs,’ Fluffanora said.

  ‘Well, I shall go and get her!’

  Fran zoomed past, tutting.

  It was then that Tiga made her decision. She didn’t want to compete in Witch Wars. And so she dived into the empty little sitting room with the flowery sofa.

  Fran flew into the room, but before she could speak Tiga raised a hand and said as firmly as she could, ‘Fran, I am not going to compete in Witch Wars. I am going to watch it in Clutterbucks on the back of a spoon.’

  Fran slumped over in the air and sighed. ‘I’m afraid you can’t do that, dear.’ She smoothed out the ruffles on her skirt and took a seat in the air. ‘Either you compete or I have to take you home.’

  Tiga held on to the sofa to steady herself. It hadn’t occurred to her that she’d have to go back to Miss Heks. ‘I can’t stay?’

  Fran shook her head. ‘We have to return you after Witch Wars. Well, unless …’

  ‘Unless what?’ Tiga asked eagerly.

  ‘Unless you win and become Top Witch.’

  Tiga took a step back and plonked herself down on the sofa. Her legs felt heavy, her heart felt rubbish, her head felt like it was doing a somersault. She’d completely forgotten the sofa was no ordinary sofa!

  It flipped round and she found herself sitting in front of the map.

  She stared at it.

  ‘It would be nice if you could stay,’ Fran said as she appeared behind Tiga.

  Tiga didn’t take her eyes off the map. ‘Fran?’ she asked. ‘Who nominated me for Witch Wars?’

  Fran shrugged. ‘Oh, they don’t tell me that. Not because I’m not important. No, I’m very important. I am the face of the show. But they don’t tell me the finer details.’

  ‘Who are they?’ Tiga asked.

  ‘The producers in Brollywood,’ said Fran. ‘They organise
Witch Wars. Why?’

  Tiga’s mind was racing. ‘Whoever put me forward knows me. They know I exist and they think that I’m good enough to win Witch Wars. Maybe they can help me! I must go to Brollywood and find out who nominated me.’

  Fran squealed. ‘You will love Brollywood! Oh, and I can show you around! But first we have to begin Witch Wars.’

  ‘OK,’ Tiga said. ‘I’m going to find the witch who nominated me. And I’m going to try to win Witch Wars! Anything to stay in Ritzy City. LET’S DO THIS, FRAN.’ She marched over to the sofa and sat down confidently, only this time it didn’t flip.

  ‘It’s a bit fiddly sometimes,’ Fran mumbled, giving it a kick.

  Once the sofa had flipped back round, Tiga found the other girls near the front door, surrounded by a swarm of witches.

  Peggy was grinning at a plump little woman with a sweet smile.

  Felicity Bat was rolling her eyes. ‘Mother,’ she said, staring coldly at a wisp of a woman who stood in the shadows with her arms folded.

  Next to her, a woman covered from head to toe and arm to arm in massive jewellery jumped and jingled in front of Aggie Hoof. ‘Oh, my beautiful darling, you look wonderful in that very expensive hat. VERY EXPENSIVE.’ She looked around the room for approval, but only Tiga was listening.

  Meanwhile, Mrs Brew, in a very elaborate wide-brimmed hat with feathers and swirly bits of glass sticking out of it glided up to Fluffanora. ‘Now, dear, remember this is a wonderful opportunity.’ She straightened Fluffanora’s hat and gave her a big hug.

  Tiga watched Fluffanora squirm in her mother’s arms. And then she looked to her left where Peggy was reluctantly dabbing a hanky under her sobbing mother’s eyes. And over in the shadows Felicity Bat’s mum was holding out a hand and sort of awkwardly patting her on the head. They all looked so irritated by each other, and Tiga wanted that too! She bit her lip and leaned against the bookcase.

  That’s when she saw it.

  It practically fell off the bookshelf on to her foot. If ‘falling off the bookshelf and on to her foot’ actually meant ‘sneakily pulling it out of the bookshelf’.