Witch Snitch Page 3

  The trunk popped open. ‘NO! YOU’RE ABOARD THE FLYING FERRY!’

  Tiga snapped her head up in amazement. There, hovering over the trunk, was a gigantic, grinning –

  ‘LUCY TATTY?!’ Tiga cried.

  ‘Ahoy, me witches! Tiga, I’m your number one fan!’ she said, reaching a giant hand into the trunk as Tiga SCREAMED.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Lizzie Beast whispered to Fluffanora.

  ‘Oh,’ Fluffanora said with a smile. ‘That’s Lucy Tatty. She’s little and lives in Silver City, just down the road from Tiga. She’s obsessed with Witch Wars and Tiga was her favourite contestant. She watched all the episodes on Fairy 5 and now low-level stalks Tiga. And dresses like her. And makes her weird presents out of cat hair.’

  ‘Lucy Tatty?’ Tiga finally managed to say once she’d composed herself. ‘But … but it says Captain LT in the notebook.’ She ran a finger down the list. ‘It definitely says Captain LT.’

  ‘Aaargh, me witchies, that’s my sailing name!’ Lucy Tatty said, punching Tiga’s arm. ‘Get it, LT, Lucy Tatty. And then I added Captain!’

  The ship was docked underwater, but protected by a strange bubble that kept the water out. It was a gigantic hulk of a vessel, painted in gorgeous glossy black with portholes that glowed brightly.

  There was a creaking sound as it started to rise up to the surface. Lucy Tatty stood on the bow, her hands in the air.

  ‘LIFT-OFF!’ she screamed as they hit the surface and the bubble popped. The ship lurched up out of the water and into the air! It glided along, weaving between all the rusty pipes hanging over Sinkville.

  Tiga wrapped herself around a rail as the boat rocked enthusiastically from left to right. ‘No one told me it was going to fly!’ she cried.

  ‘It’s called the Flying Ferry,’ all of them said at once.

  ‘I thought it was just called that because it sounded nice!’ Tiga shouted as the ship dived to the left to avoid a particularly chunky hanging pipe.

  ‘I want a sailing name like Lucy Tatty,’ Fran said. ‘I know … I can be Captain … Fabulous. Yes! CAPTAIN FABULOUS!’

  ‘Terrifying,’ Fluffanora said mockingly. ‘That’ll scare off the pirates.’

  ‘It might confuse them enough to keep them away,’ Lucy Tatty said seriously.

  ‘Wait, what?’ Fluffanora spluttered. ‘There are pirates up here?’

  ‘No,’ Lucy Tatty said, turning the wheel. ‘Mostly just rogue human toothbrushes that fall down the pipes.’

  One pinged off the bow of the boat and knocked Fran sideways.

  ‘See. I like to call them pirates.’

  ‘How long have you worked on the Flying Ferry?’ Tiga asked as Lizzie Beast started rolling the camera.

  ‘Oh, I don’t really,’ Lucy Tatty said.

  Tiga raised an eyebrow as Fran hovered around Lucy Tatty, trying to take over the interview.

  ‘Lucy Tatty,’ Fran said into the camera, ‘is one of our Witchoween witches because she took a school trip on the Flying Ferry, which flies by itself, and she thought it was a shame that there wasn’t a captain to greet witches when they boarded.’

  ‘So you just sit on the Flying Ferry and talk to the witches who travel on it?’ Tiga asked. ‘That’s really lovely of you.’

  Lucy Tatty nodded. ‘But not only that, Tiga, I also MAKE THINGS.’

  ‘Oh really,’ Tiga said, a lump of worry in her voice.

  ‘What kind of things, Lucy?’ Fluffanora asked.

  ‘NO TALKING FROM WARDROBE!’ Fran shouted, shooing her away.

  ‘Well, I’m glad you’re here,’ Lucy Tatty said, rubbing her little hands together. ‘Because I wanted to reveal my latest project for the first time, on camera, in front of you, Tiga! And I would love your feedback, because I think it’s not quite ready and needs a few tweaks.’

  ‘What does?’ Tiga asked nervously.

  The Flying Ferry swung to the left.

  ‘THIS!’ Lucy Tatty roared, waving her arms madly at what hovered up ahead.

  Fluffanora stifled a snort. ‘Brilliant.’

  Up ahead, standing proud in the clouds, was a giant painted cardboard cut-out of Tiga’s face. The mouth was open, creating a giant hole.

  ‘Are we going to fly –’ Tiga began as the ferry dived through cardboard Tiga’s mouth, knocking out a couple of teeth.

  Tiga peered over the bow of the boat and watched as the teeth landed in the water below.

  ‘So …’ Lucy Tatty said excitedly. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘AND CUT,’ Fran shouted, rather annoyed it wasn’t her face.

  ‘Well, this is very pleasant,’ Fluffanora said, after Lucy Tatty bounded off to the back of the boat. ‘Peace and quiet.’ She reached into her trunk and pulled out a tray of Clutterbucks. The four of them nestled on the bow and watched Sinkville pass by beneath them.

  ‘I can’t believe I didn’t know about the Flying Ferry,’ Tiga said. ‘Has it been around long?’

  Fran lowered her whole body into Fluffanora’s Clutterbucks drink like it was a hot bath. ‘Oh, the Flying Ferry was very important back in the day. Every hundred years, the mermaid queen would visit Sinkville. She’d emerge from a pipe in Driptown and then she’d be placed in the ceremonial bathtub, wheeled to the Flying Ferry and whisked off to the Docks, where she was collected by a troop of fairies and flown, still in the bathtub, to Linden House for her meeting with the Top Witch.’

  ‘Mermaids?’ Tiga said. ‘Mermaids are real?’

  Fran turned towards Lizzie Beast and whispered, ‘Sometimes I worry about her … if a fairy tells you mermaids exist, then mermaids exist.’

  ‘I just thought they were made up,’ Tiga mumbled.

  ‘You thought that about witches too, once,’ Fluffanora said with a wink.

  ‘Anyway,’ Fran went on. ‘Almost no witches would choose to travel on the Flying Ferry – they’d choose any other mode of transport before this one, even if it is the fastest way to the mermaid museum.’

  Tiga looked around her. The Flying Ferry was completely empty. The boat tipped to the left and Tiga could see thousands of low-hanging pipes in the distance, all dripping loudly. The Flying Ferry creaked again.

  ‘And why would witches rather choose any mode of transport other than this one?’ she asked slowly.

  Fran grabbed Fluffanora’s finger and used it like a back scrubber. ‘Because of this bit.’

  ‘This bi–’ Tiga began, just as the Flying Ferry shot upwards! It soared higher and higher. Tiga clung frantically to the side of the boat to stop herself falling off completely. Lizzie Beast grabbed Fluffanora and the trunk and wedged her feet into a railing, hanging like a monkey with exceptionally long hair. Fran continued to bathe in the Clutterbucks cocktail in Fluffanora’s hand.

  ‘They find it terrifying!’ Fran shouted as the ship flipped forward and nosedived towards a large, open pipe! They were moving so fast Tiga felt like her hair was five minutes behind her.

  With a loud sucking noise, the ship plummeted into darkness. Tiga felt sick as they tore through the pipe at breakneck speed.

  ‘DON’T LET ME GO, LIZZIE!’ Fluffanora shouted through the darkness.

  ‘Or the trunk,’ Tiga heard Fran say. ‘This documentary would be nothing without my costume changes.’

  The ferry landed with an almighty SPLOSH in a perfectly still pool of water.

  ‘AND WE’RE HERE!’ Fran said – just as Fluffanora threw up in her trunk.

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Lucy Tatty, by Tiga

  1.She’s currently writing a Witch Wars fanzine: Tigazine.

  2.She invented a small, round cheese-water-flavoured sweet called Tigabits – a nod to Tiga’s time above the pipes living in the human world, and the fact her evil guardian Miss Heks only fed her cheese water.

  3.She has a small pet slug called Tiga.

  4.She makes her own clothes so she can look just like Tiga.

  5.She has discovered cats really like Tigabits.

  How to Pla
y Pin the Tooth on the Tiga

  1.Print out a picture of Tiga’s face (or you can use a photo of a family member).

  2.Draw a bunch of teeth (one for each of your guests), and carefully cut them out.

  3.Add something to help them stick (a strip of sticky tape, for example).

  4.Guests are then blindfolded one at a time and have to stick the tooth as close to Tiga’s mouth as possible.

  5.The winner gets a prize. It is customary at Witchoween parties that the winners of any games get to put their faces in the largest cake. These days witches tend to prefer just an extra-large slice.

  The Mermaid Museum

  The pool that the Flying Ferry had landed in was conveniently only a short swim to the entrance of the Mermaid Museum, which was framed by two gigantic, glistening mermaid tails.

  Tiga bobbed in the water in front of it. ‘So cool,’ she said, just as a multicoloured flash shot past, making her jump. She blinked and spun around desperately looking for it. There it was again!

  ‘Is that … a mermaid?’ she whispered to Fran.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Tiga. It’s a magic incantation of a mermaid. It’s the mermaid museum, not the sea above the pipes.’

  ‘Oh,’ Tiga said, feeling silly. ‘I thought there might be real mermaids in the mermaid museum.’

  ‘We’re not cruel,’ Fran said with a tut. ‘And anyway, they swim too fast to catch.’

  ‘So they live in the sea above the pipes?’ Tiga asked.

  Fran nodded just as the great glass door to the museum opened and the insides lit up to welcome them. ‘The ones we know about live in a place called the Hidden Lagoon.’

  ‘Wow,’ Fluffanora said, leaping off her trunk and into the water. She leaned over and tapped Tiga’s bottom jaw, closing it and stopping the unnecessary dribble.

  Tiga wiped her chin.

  ‘Incredible,’ she whispered, her eyes wide. She climbed on to a platform with the others and was blasted with some warm air.

  ‘Dryer spell,’ Fluffanora said knowingly.

  ‘Look at the replica of the Hidden Lagoon. Isn’t it wonderful?’ Fran said.

  Tiga tried to take it all in. The model of the lagoon was huge and encased in a glass tank, with brightly lit cities. A big red one called Lobstertown, one filled with old yachts and shipping containers called Anchor Rock, a gorgeously ornate town covered in shells.

  ‘Big fan of Swirlyshell,’ Fluffanora said with a nod.

  ‘I like the look of Hammerhead Heights,’ Tiga said, eyeing the messy-looking city teeming with sharks. She had a huge smile smacked on her face as she watched holograms of mermaids weave in and out of the sparkling cities.

  A portly mermaid with bright green glossy hair emerged from the water beside the platform and bowed politely. ‘Welcome to the Mermaid Museum.’

  ‘What about her?’ Tiga mumbled out of the corner of her mouth. ‘Is she real?’

  Fran floated right through her face. ‘Another hologram.’

  The mermaid hologram felt at the fairy-sized hole she now had in her cheek.

  ‘FRAN!’ came a moany voice. ‘FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP FLYING THROUGH THE MERMAID HOLOGRAMS AND PUTTING HOLES IN THEM! THEY ARE RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE TO REPLACE!’

  Fran turned to the camera and smiled. ‘Melodie McDamp loves me.’

  Melodie McDamp was in charge of the mermaid museum at weekends. She was a teenager, dressed in mermaid-print leggings and chewing on Bubbly Bat gum like she didn’t want to be there. Her hair was plaited down one side and she wore a pearl-studded crown on her head.

  ‘Oh good, you’re here,’ she said, blowing a bubble. She flicked her finger and popped it. ‘I need your help. I have a bunch of tiny witches arriving in five minutes and I need to dress you up as mermaids.’

  ‘We’ll film it!’ Fran said. ‘This will be great. Melodie, you can talk a little about the mermaids.’ She turned to Tiga. ‘Melodie was chosen for this documentary because she knows more about mermaids than any other witch in Sinkville.’

  Melodie McDamp sighed and blew another bubble. Fran popped it with a kick.

  ‘AND ACTION!’

  Tiga slipped her legs into a glistening purple tail while Fluffanora wriggled into one shaped like a lobster’s.

  ‘The Hidden Lagoon features a number of exciting mermaid cities,’ Melodie McDamp said, pointing at a map.

  ‘ZOOM!’ Fran shouted at Lizzie Beast. ‘ZOOM THE CAMERA.’

  Lizzie Beast was finding it difficult to balance in the shark tail she was wearing.

  Fluffanora rolled her eyes, which seemed to be enough to unbalance the lobster tail costume, and she tipped right over.

  ‘There is the ancient capital, Swirlyshell, which is where the mermaid queen lives,’ Melodie explained. ‘Then you have Anchor Rock in the north, where mermaids live in old sunken boats and upcycled shipping containers. In the south is Oysterdale, where fancy mermaids live in even fancier sandcastles, and in the west is Lobstertown, the coolest mermaid city. They paint whales there and call it art, and they have a famous cartoon called Clippee, the cartoon lobster in a dress. And finally in the east is Hammerhead Heights, a mammoth city made from towering rock towers and infested with sharks.’

  Tiga shivered.

  ‘Every one hundred years, the mermaid queen visits the Top Witch at Linden House. Witches and mermaids have coexisted peacefully for thousands of years.’

  ‘The crowds go wild as the fancy mermaid in a bathtub is pushed down Ritzy Avenue,’ Fran said, winking at the camera. ‘Everyone makes this very special witch bunting and we hang it all over Sinkville.’ She floated up to the black bunting hanging overhead.

  ‘So which pipe goes to the Hidden Lagoon?’ Tiga asked, staring into one. It was pitch black.

  ‘We don’t know, and unfortunately, there are 103,994 pipes in Driptown, and no one can be bothered to check them all. Who knows where you might end up if you got the wrong one?’ Melodie said straight into the camera.

  ‘Just think,’ Fluffanora said, attempting to swish her tail and falling into Lizzie Beast. ‘There are mermaids our age swimming about in that lagoon. Groups of mermaid friends, just like us – but mermaids. I bet they’re really cool.’

  ‘And slimy,’ Lizzie Beast added.

  ‘We should find the pipe and go there. I bet we can find it,’ Fluffanora said, determinedly hopping over to one of the pipes. ‘Bet it’s this one.’

  ‘Ah ah ah,’ Melodie said, flicking her finger and making Fluffanora stand upright again.

  ‘I’m not a puppet,’ Fluffanora said grumpily as she tried to shake free of Melodie’s spell.

  ‘No, you’re a witch,’ Fran said. ‘And witches do not go swimming about in human oceans in search of hidden lagoons. Now, let’s have a crab cream shake.’ She wiggled her nose and a giant shell landed in Tiga’s hand, filled with strange bubbling liquid.

  ‘CHEERS!’ Fran said, clicking her tiny shell against Tiga’s and downing her drink in one. ‘FROGS, THAT’S DISGUSTING!’ she roared. ‘AND CUT!’

  As they swam out of the mermaid museum, there was an almighty bang. Tiga spun around and there, neatly on top of Fluffanora’s floating trunk, was the latest issue of Toad magazine.

  Fluffanora began flicking through it. ‘Ugh, I hate it when they write about me.’

  Fran swooped down from above and splatted on the page. ‘Oooh, not just about you – about all of us!’

  TOAD MAGAZINE

  SINKVILLE IN THE SPOTLIGHT!

  Our favourite Witch Wars duo, Tiga and her irritating fairy Fran, plus the forever fashionable and oh-so-entertaining Fluffanora, and that tall one with the long hair, are making this year’s documentary for Peggy Pigwiggle’s first official Top Witch Witchoween! It’ll feature some impressive and interesting witches, plus comedy scenes – including Fran drowning in a vat of mouldy jam! Our favourite Toad spy is keeping a close eye on them, so stay tuned for more gossip.

  They all looked nervously at Fran, apart from Fluffanora, who w
as trying not to laugh.

  ‘The bit about the mouldy jam,’ Tiga began. ‘I’m sure you could tell people it wasn’t yo–’

  ‘WE NEVER SPEAK OF IT!’ Fran interrupted. ‘Now, where is this Toad spy?’

  They all looked around. Driptown was perfectly quiet, apart from the occasional dripping of the pipes and the groans from the old steel boats anchored nearby.

  The place was empty. No one had been following them.

  ‘AH HA!’ Fran cried, racing over to Lizzie Beast’s hat and pointing madly. ‘THERE IT IS!’

  ‘Lizzie Beast’s hat?’ Fluffanora said, an eyebrow raised. ‘You do know hats can’t spy, Fran?’

  ‘I think you’re being mean to Lizzie Beast,’ Tiga added.

  Lizzie Beast, smartly, stayed still and silent.

  ‘NO, YOU SILLY WITCHES,’ Fran said as she landed on the hat and struggled backwards, her arms bowed like she was trying to lift something. ‘IT’S A MICRO CAT!’

  ‘A WHAT?!’ they all cried, apart from Lizzie Beast, who didn’t dare to move or speak.

  Tiga moved closer, to see what Fran was wrestling with.

  ‘Very rare,’ Fran said. ‘They invented them for fairies years ago. Because fairies campaigned to be allowed to have the same pets as witches. But then a load of fairies got eaten by their normal-sized cats, who mistook them for flies, and so a witch named Fifi Fluff invented the micro cat – a spell-shrunken version of a regular cat.’

  ‘I should be surprised,’ Tiga said. ‘And yet, I’m not.’

  ‘That’s because you’re a weird witch like us now,’ Fluffanora said, giving Tiga a nudge.

  ‘And they can run really fast when not wearing a collar,’ Fran said. ‘It could report back to Toad magazine headquarters all the way in Pearl Peak from here in a mere few minutes!’

  Lizzie Beast focused the camera on the tiny thing. Fran attached a glittery collar and lead to it, and with a flick of her finger soared off up high with it. It looked irritated.

  ‘WE’LL TAKE IT WITH US,’ she shouted down to Tiga. ‘THAT WAY IT CAN’T REPORT BACK TO TOAD MAGAZINE.’