Witch Snitch Page 4
‘Where next?’ Fluffanora asked.
Tiga flicked through her notebook. ‘TO CLUTTERBUCKS!’ she cried, as a bunch of Clutterbucks cocktails obediently leapt from the trunk, completely soaking Fluffanora.
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Melodie McDamp, by Tiga
1.Melodie McDamp knows which pipe leads to the Hidden Lagoon.
2.Melodie’s middle name is Coddelia.
3.She is best friends with Idabelle Bat, who works at the First Witch Who Landed in Sinkville historical site on weekends.
4.She’s originally from Pearl Peak, although her family moved to Driptown to live on a boat.
5.She owns a hundred and four pairs of mermaid-print leggings.
How to Make Witch Bunting
Make no mistake: witch bunting is very different from human bunting – mostly because it is ninety per cent edible. The more edible things you put on witch bunting, the better your bunting will be.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
•You’ll need to be a witch
•Your witch hat
•String
•Large soft sweets (jelly ones work well) – preferably in dark purple and orange
•Black, white and orange card
•Pens
•Skewer
HOW TO MAKE IT:
1.Cut the coloured card into triangles and decorate. Favourite witchy bunting themes include cats, witches’ hats, mermaid tails, stars, Fran’s face.
2.Pierce little holes in the top of the triangles with the skewer, and thread through the string.
3.Also pierce the sweets with the skewer and thread these too, creating your own design.
4.String it up all over the place. Bite at it whenever you’re peckish.
Clutterbucks
‘I’ve never been inside Clutterbucks before,’ Lizzie Beast grunted.
Clutterbucks is Ritzy City’s most famous secret café, and you need to be a member to get in.
Not long before Tiga and the others arrived, Mrs Clutterbuck had been above the pipes, which is technically illegal. She’d managed to convince NAPA (the National Above the Pipes Association) that it would be a good cultural experience for her. She’d shot out of a drain and made her way into a sweet shop.
‘JUST LOOK AT ALL THESE NEW COCKTAIL INGREDIENTS!’ she cried when the four of them took their seats at one of Clutterbucks’s famous floating tables, only this time, the table was in the behind-the-scenes YOU’RE NEVER ALLOWED TO GO IN THERE Clutterbucks kitchen.
‘Wow,’ Tiga said, spinning around and taking everything in. Machines bubbled over with Clutterbucks cocktails, five-tiered cakes floated past, and busy witches with beaming smiles danced around, adding glitter sprinkles to floating cocktails. ‘We should stop by Linden House after this and say hello to Peggy,’ Tiga said to Fluffanora. ‘Tell her what we’ve done so far!’
‘NO!’ Fluffanora screamed, making Tiga jump backwards and into a floating cake. Fluffanora coughed. ‘I mean, let’s … not do that.’
‘Why?’ Tiga asked, an eyebrow raised. ‘You’re being weird.’
‘Will you help me make a new Clutterbucks cocktail?’ Mrs Clutterbuck interrupted. ‘We’ll call it the Above the Pipes Potion, or something.’
Tiga giggled. Mrs Clutterbuck was always so cheery, Tiga could hardly imagine what a bunch of humans in a sweet shop would’ve made of her.
‘Fine,’ Fran said. ‘But we need to interview you about your adventure above the pipes. Your segment for the Witchoween documentary can’t just be about these funny things you’ve brought back from up there.’
‘That’s all I did, really,’ Mrs Clutterbuck said. ‘I also watched some very interesting lights that were in charge of the cars.’
‘You mean traffic lights?’ Tiga asked, an eyebrow raised.
‘Is that what they call them?’ Mrs Clutterbuck mused. ‘Yes, the masters of the cars and trucks.’
‘They aren’t the masters of the cars and tr–’ Tiga began, but Fran screamed ‘ACTION!’ and interrupted her.
All around them, Clutterbucks cocktails in tall glasses burst into life as if on cue and whizzed past, neatly arranging themselves on trays, while Mrs Clutterbuck laid out all the ingredients to make the cocktail.
‘PAUSE!’ Fran said, clicking her fingers. ‘For this one, I’d like to wear all orange.’
‘No,’ Fluffanora said.
‘STOP SWEARING!’ Fran bellowed.
Fluffanora rolled her eyes. ‘ “No” isn’t a swear word.’ She reached into her trunk and pulled out a tiny orange jumpsuit.
Fran wriggled into it. ‘AND ACTION, AGAIN!’
‘We’re here with another Witchoween witch, the wonderful Mrs Clutterbuck, owner of Clutterbucks and creator of the best witchy cocktails in town.
Mrs Clutterbuck has just been above the pipes, where she has sourced some strange human ingredients to make a new cocktail.’
‘The Above-the-Pipes Potion,’ Mrs Clutterbuck interrupted.
Fran’s face strained as she tried not to drop glittery dust out of her skirt in anger. ‘No interrupting,’ she mumbled out of the corner of her mouth.
‘What ingredients did you get?’ Tiga asked, picking up a bar of chocolate.
‘That’s chocolattil,’ Mrs Clutterbuck said.
‘It’s chocolate,’ Tiga corrected her.
‘Chocotrupy,’ Mrs Clutterbuck tried again.
‘Cho-co-late,’ Tiga tried again.
‘Chocnofferin,’ Mrs Clutterbuck said, this time into the camera.
‘Good enough,’ Tiga said with a sigh.
‘What we’re going to do,’ Mrs Clutterbuck said, ‘is to blend this chocolatterom with some of those magic bits.’
‘Coloured sprinkles,’ Tiga corrected her.
‘And some cream,’ Mrs Clutterbuck added.
‘Lovely,’ Tiga said, tipping the cream into the cauldron.
‘We’ll mix it up!’ Mrs Clutterbuck said, flicking her finger at the cauldron. ‘And then we’ll decorate the glasses with these bits of wobbly mystery.’
‘Jelly sweets,’ Tiga said.
‘Oooh,’ Fluffanora said. ‘May I have a wobbly mystery?’
She grabbed the packet and started munching.
Lizzie Beast cleared her throat loudly. ‘Where’s the micro cat? Fluffanora?’
‘FROGCRUTCHES!’ Fran bellowed as the door to Clutterbucks closed. ‘IT’S GOT ITS COLLAR OFF AND IS RUNNING AWAY ON ITS LITTLE MICRO LEGS!’
TOAD MAGAZINE
EXTRA, EXTRA! MAGIC EXTRA CONTENT STRAIGHT FROM OUR SPY! CLUTTERBUCKS AND JUMPSUITS AND WOBBLY MYSTERIES, OH MY!
We’ve got a juicy update for you today from behind the scenes of the incredibly cool Witchoween documentary.
According to our spy, Fran has been arguing with Fluffanora about whether she can wear an orange jumpsuit. They also visited a MERMAID MUSEUM and interviewed Mrs Clutterbuck about smuggling human sweets! Delicious gossip!
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Mrs Clutterbuck, by Tiga
1.She didn’t pay for the sweets (she only had sinkels), so she technically robbed the place. Human police are searching for her.
2.She first started making Clutterbucks cocktails for her friends when she was seven years old. She had a stall outside her house on Ritzy Avenue and dreamed of opening a secret café, for specially chosen witches.
3.She was bullied at school, and the mean witches would laugh and call her Clutterbucks cocktails stupid.
4.The witches who bullied her are now on a waiting list to get into Clutterbucks. Mrs Clutterbuck hasn’t decided whether to let them in or not.
5.She also owns Wigit, the hairdressers’ on Lovely Lane, which specialises in fairy beehives and spells that change your hair colour depending on the weather.
How to Make a Clutterbucks Cocktail
The classic Clutterbucks cocktail, and Tiga’s favourite, the Witching Whirl
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
•A tall glass
•A cool s
traw
•Vanilla ice cream
•Lemonade
•Edible glitter (or sprinkles)
HOW TO MAKE IT:
1.Add a scoop of ice cream to the glass.
2.Add lemonade (it’ll start fizzing – don’t let it overflow. If it overflows and spills on the table, we call that a Witching Whirlspill in Clutterbucks. Also delicious, but it tastes more like a table than a drink).
3.Sprinkle on the edible glitter or sprinkles.
4.Add the straw.
5.Put on your witch’s hat and enjoy!
Brollywood
As the four of them stood outside Clutterbucks sipping what was left of their takeaway cocktails, a piece of perfectly crisp paper landed on top of Fran’s beehive.
‘Uh-oh,’ she said, reading it carefully, her eyeballs bulging. ‘WE HAVE A LETTER FROM PATRICIA THE PRODUCER!’ She took off, flying in wonky circles around Tiga’s head before crash-landing on her nose. ‘A LETTER FROM PATRICIA THE PRODUCER!’
‘What does it say?’ Tiga asked as Lizzie Beast unfolded it from the crumpled mess Fran had left it in on the floor.
‘She wants to see us,’ Lizzie Beast said gravely. ‘Right now.’
‘It must be about the Toad magazine leak,’ Fran said, using her beehive to wipe away terrified tears. ‘She hates stuff like that. Once Julie Jumbo Wings told a Toad reporter that Crispy was thinking of doing a sequel to her hit film Toe Pinchers and they wrote a whole article titled “How to Survive Toe Pinchers 2, if Crispy Is Ever Allowed To Make It”.’
‘What did Patricia the producer do?’ Tiga dared to ask.
‘People say she cut off Julie Jumbo Wings’ toes, and Crispy’s too!’
‘That’s a load of old toad,’ Fluffanora said dismissively. ‘Anyway, you don’t even need toes. You can fly.’
‘THEY ARE EXCELLENT FEET DECORATIONS, YOU MONSTER!’
‘Well, we’re heading that way anyway, we’d better go and see what she wants,’ Lizzie Beast said, trudging off towards Brollywood as Tiga and Fluffanora followed.
‘Bye,’ Fran whispered quietly to her toes before flying off after the others.
Brollywood was where all the TV shows and films were made, and the pipes that hung above it were particularly drippy. Patricia the producer was in charge of almost everything in Brollywood, and she was responsible for some of the most successful TV shows of all time, including the kids’ TV game show Washy Cat, and Fran’s infamous Cooking for Tiny People. She didn’t have an office – she had a fake plastic castle.
And it was terrifying.
The last time Tiga had been there was when she and Peggy broke in during Witch Wars to find out who had nominated Tiga for the competition in the first place. Now she was back, and in even more trouble.
‘Take a seat, Tiga,’ Patricia the producer said coldly. ‘You’ve been here before, haven’t you?’
‘I can’t apologise enough for the breaking and entering, Patricia the producer,’ Tiga said, her eyes fixed firmly on her boots.
‘So when are you going to cut off our toes?’ Fran asked nervously.
‘Why would I do that?’ Patricia the producer asked.
‘As a punishment for information about Witch Snitch being leaked to Toad magazine,’ Fran prattled on. ‘And because that’s what you did to Crispy and Julie Jumbo Wings when they leaked information by accident once.’
‘What are you talking about?!’ Patricia the producer cried. ‘I called you here for an update on the documentary – I don’t care about Toad magazine.’
‘Oh good,’ Tiga said. ‘Because we honestly didn’t notice the micro cat.’
Patricia the producer had the strained look of a witch who needed a lie-down. ‘And Fran,’ she said faintly. ‘As far as I’m aware, Crispy and Julie still have all their toes.’
Tiga could hear tiny sniggers behind her.
‘I’VE BEEN HAD!’ Fran cried, spinning round and pointing a finger at Crispy and Julie Jumbo Wings, who were waving their toes at her and snort-laughing uncontrollably.
Five Things You Didn’t Know About Patricia the Producer, by Tiga (for fun)
1.Patricia the producer was once a fairy, but she took a potion to make herself bigger. It worked on everything apart from her ears, which are still fairy-sized.
2.The fake plastic castle that she works in was part of the set of her first ever film – Easily Melted Castles & Other Quick Battles.
3.The rest of her family is still fairy-sized, which makes Witchmas dinner difficult (Witchmas is a lot like Christmas only a fat witch with a black beard falls down your chimney rather than Santa with his white one).
4.She has worked on more award-winning films and TV shows than any other witch in the whole of Sinkville history.
5.In Fran’s book Fabulous Me, she describes Patricia the producer as ‘smart, strict, and not someone to leave alone with your toes’.
The Costume Cupboard
Tiga chased Fran as the furious fairy zigzagged between the sets in Brollywood, before coming to an abrupt halt at the Costume Cupboard. In front of the door stood a large witch security guard.
‘Is this the cupboard Peggy and I took the wigs from during Witch Wars?’ Tiga asked, tapping her toe as she tried to remember.
‘No,’ Fran said, pointing across the street, just as a witch riding a gigantic fake spider scuttled past. ‘You took wigs from the Prop Cupboard. This is the Costume Cupboard. LIZZIE BEAST!’ she roared. ‘START FILMING.’
Fluffanora pulled up next to them, lugging her trunk. ‘Is this the place?’
Tiga flicked through her notebook. ‘Must be.’
6.Christy Brunts, coordinator of the Costume Cupboard in Brollywood
‘This,’ Fran said, smiling into the camera, ‘is the Costume Cupboard. The most heavily guarded building in all of Brollywood.’
‘WHY IS IT HEAVILY GUARDED?’ Fluffanora shouted from behind the camera, winking at Tiga.
‘I DON’T KNOW WHY WARDROBE IS TALKING!’ Fran screamed. ‘Well, the reason it’s so heavily guarded is because inside is the last surviving copy of The Many Faces of Christy Brunts: A Brunts-in-a-Lifetime Spell Book.’
‘I’ve never heard of it,’ Tiga said.
‘Exactly,’ Fran said. ‘Almost every witch has either never been told about it or forgot about it a long, long time ago. And now, the only remaining copy of that spell book is in this very cupboard. And we’re going to see it!’
‘I’m afraid you’ll need permission,’ the witch security guard said.
‘What’s that?’ Fran asked, looking confused. ‘Is it a type of vegetable?’
‘Let them in,’ Patricia the producer said, as she floated past with her umbrella. ‘I forgot to add them to the list. They’re allowed.’
Fran shook her head. ‘No, no, Patricia, apparently we can’t enter without the permission vegetable.’
‘JUST GO IN, FRAN.’
The three witches crowded around the giant book, which sat smartly on a stand in the middle of the room, as Fran heaved and huffed and turned the pages. Christy Brunts stood watching them. She was a young witch with curly hair and a huge fabric hairband. She didn’t look nearly old enough to have written the ancient spell book they were all poring over.
‘It was invented by my great-great-great-great-great-great-great –’
SEVEN MINUTES LATER …
‘– great-great-grandmother. There have been many Christy Brunts in our family and I am the latest one. Whoever is given the name Christy Brunts has to do this job, and look after that book.’
‘What if you don’t want to?’ Fluffanora asked.
‘WARDROBE!’ Fran squealed. ‘ZIIIIIP IIIIT!’
‘This book,’ Christy Brunts said confidently into the camera, ‘is The Many Faces of Christy Brunts: A Brunts-in-a-Lifetime Spell Book and it saves a fortune in expensive costumes and prosthetic nose costs. All the actors in Brollywood arrive early on set, come to this room and are magically transformed into their character
, with the help of secret spells from this very book.’
There was a bang in the corner, and a little witch was transformed into a gigantic cat wearing rubber gloves.
‘Hello, Washy Cat!’ Fran called over.
‘What’s Washy Cat?’ Tiga whispered to Fluffanora.
‘It’s a kids’ TV programme – for little kids. Washy Cat washes up – it’s him versus a young witch and they see who can get through their pile of dirty dishes first. I used to really like it. In retrospect though, it’s a load of rubbish.’
‘I was once on Washy Cat,’ Lizzie Beast grunted.
‘Did you win?’ Tiga asked.
Lizzie Beast shook her head, making the camera shake too. ‘No, I broke everything.’
Washy Cat spotted her and cowered.
She looked guiltily at her massive hands. ‘Including Washy Cat.’
‘The witch who plays Washy Cat is next on your list, Tiga!’ Fluffanora said, waving the notebook.
‘Now,’ Fran said through gritted teeth, ‘LIZZIE BEAST, KEEP THE CAMERA STILL. And cut me saying LIZZIE BEAST, KEEP THE CAMERA STILL. What character would you like to be, Tiga?’
‘Um …’ Tiga said. ‘Pardon?’
‘For the demonstration Christy Brunts is about to do,’ Fran said, smiling into the camera.
‘I didn’t realise there was, um, going to be one?’ Tiga said nervously.
‘Well, there is,’ Fran snapped. ‘Pick a character you’d like to be.’
‘A character? I can’t really think of –’
‘Aaaaaanyone in Sinkville,’ Fran pressed, pointing at her own beehive. ‘ANYONE.’
Tiga took a seat and rested her chin on her hands, thinking.
‘I can’t believe it’s taking you this long,’ Fran huffed, folding her arms. ‘ME. ME. You probably want to be MEEEEE.’
‘Oh no, I don’t think –’ Fluffanora began. But it was too late; Christy Brunts was already chanting the spell.
Brunts, Brunts, Brunts, Brunts,
Brunts, Brunts, Brunts, Brunts,
Brunts, Brunts, Brunts, Brunts,