Witch Snitch Read online

  Fluffanora pulled a tiny tutu out of her trunk, and with a flick of her finger, it was on Fran.

  Fran nodded approvingly. ‘Like it. Right, now, we begin. Tiga, come and stand next to me. It’s probably best if you look at me adoringly.’

  Tiga reluctantly trudged over to where Fran was hovering.

  Fran narrowed her eyes. ‘Camera witch!’

  ‘Right, yes,’ Lizzie Beast grunted. ‘Five, four, three, two, one – and go!’

  Fran stared at her blankly. ‘Five, four, three, two, one and go? Lizzie Beast, we are not an egg-and-spoon race.’

  ‘Fran,’ Tiga began.

  ‘It should be – Fran’s fabulous documentary, take one – aaaaand ACTION!’

  ‘You knew what I meant,’ Lizzie Beast mumbled under her breath.

  ‘My skirt is wilting! Waaaaardrrrrooobe! This is what happens when you get it wrong, Lizzie Beast. Wilting skirt! Wilting skirt!’ Fran cried, waving her hands at Fluffanora.

  Fluffanora turned to Tiga. ‘I’m going to squash her. Quick, turn my hands to jelly so I physically can’t, it’s the only way to stop me. RENDER MY HANDS WOBBLY AND USELESS, QUICK, DO IT NOW!’ Fluffanora roared mockingly. ‘BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!’

  ‘Oh, you’re both as dramatic as each other,’ Tiga said.

  ‘FIX MY SKIRT, WARDROBE!’ Fran bellowed, as Fluffanora flicked her finger and sent an electric shock through Fran’s skirt.

  ‘WELCOME TO WITCH SNITCH,’ Fran said in a voice so high Tiga could barely hear her.

  ‘We’ll need to let that electric shock wear off,’ Lizzie Beast said, putting the lens back on the camera.

  SOME TIME LATER …

  Tiga snorted as Lizzie Beast shook her awake.

  ‘Fran’s voice isn’t dangerous any more,’ Lizzie Beast grunted, pointing over at the little fairy, who looked like she was doing warm-up stretches.

  ‘Great,’ Tiga muttered, pulling herself out of Fluffanora’s trunk. Fluffanora was perched on the side of it sipping a Clutterbucks.

  ‘Now we’ll film Miss Flint, the first witch on the list!’ Fran said, narrowing her eyes. ‘Since Tiga has awoken from her lengthy nap.’

  Lizzie Beast readied the camera. Fran knocked on the door to Desperate Dolls.

  The curtains twitched slightly, there was a scuffle inside and then BOOM, the door swung open!

  ‘Miss … Flint?’ Fran said, choking on the words.

  ‘HELLO! I’M READY FOR MY INTERVIEW!’

  Miss Flint looked different.

  ‘I thought I’d spruce myself up for the show,’ she said. ‘So I put on a little bit of make-up.’

  Her eyebrows looked like curled-up cats. Her teeth were stained with the plum purple colour painted on her lips. Her fake eyelashes were hanging off.

  ‘Miss Flint,’ Fluffanora said, squeezing the old witch’s arm. ‘This is a show about how brilliant and interesting you are, how incredible your business is, your accomplishments! You didn’t need to spruce yourself up – it doesn’t matter one bit what your face looks like!’

  ‘Which is just as well,’ Fran said, kicking one of the fake eyelashes. ‘Because we don’t have time to fix this.’

  ‘I wonder if you could help me make some embellished dresses for the dolls? I said I’d send some up to my friend Delia at Delia’s Dolls – she has a secret shop above the pipes,’ Miss Flint said. ‘We could work on them as you interview me.’

  ‘Of course,’ Tiga said. ‘I’ve always wanted to know how to add cool embellishments – we could use the designs as inspiration for our Witchoween outfits.’

  Tiga sat patiently while Fran fiddled with the lighting around Miss Flint. ‘Maybe a little to the left … OH FROGS, NO!’

  Fluffanora put her head in her hands.

  ‘Lizzie Beast, roll the camera!’

  Tiga put her arm around Miss Flint. ‘I’m sorry about her,’ she whispered. ‘She’s being more Fran than I’ve ever seen Fran being.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Miss Flint said kindly. ‘I can’t hear a word she’s saying. She’s too small for my bad ears.’

  ‘And ACTION,’ shouted Lizzie Beast.

  ‘Here we are,’ Fran said, waving a hand across Miss Flint’s face, ‘in the famous Desperate Dolls shop. The shop was made famous because it was one of the stops in Witch Wars and hid a clue that would see the contestants travel to the Coves. And this here is the witch behind the magic! Miss Flint –’ She stopped. ‘I’m sorry, but the whole … face situation you have going on is very distracting.’

  ‘Oh, get on with it!’ Fluffanora said, flicking her finger slyly and giving Fran the exact same makeover. ‘Now there’s two of you, so it looks deliberate,’ she said with a satisfied smile.

  ‘Miss Flint,’ Fran said through gritted teeth and a lot of lipstick. ‘How did you get into fixing creepy dolls?’

  Miss Flint scrunched up her face. ‘I can’t really hear y–’

  Tiga leaned over and helpfully whispered the question in her ear.

  ‘Well … Um … That’s a good question … well …’ Miss Flint said, tapping her chin.

  ‘Be a bit quicker,’ Fran said impatiently. ‘If you don’t speak quickly we’ll have to cut you out.’

  ‘Well,’ Miss Flint went on. ‘I thought it was a waste not to fix them; better to find them a new home.’

  ‘Right,’ Fran said, not really listening. ‘What’s the most desperate doll you’ve ever fixed?’

  Tiga whispered the question in Miss Flint’s ear.

  ‘Tiga, stop moving,’ Fran hissed.

  ‘Well … um …’ Miss Flint said. ‘That’s a good question.’

  ‘Quicker,’ Fran said bossily, then looked apologetically into the camera lens and mouthed, ‘Sorry, viewers.’

  ‘Well … um …’ Miss Flint said.

  ‘This is television, Miss Flint,’ Fran said, tapping her foot in the air. ‘You’ve got to be quicker.’

  ‘Oh, I know,’ Miss Flint finally said. ‘There was one doll with a bat living in it. Every so often it would stick its wings out of the doll’s ears and fly around, terrifying everyone. I had to agree to give the bat my house just to get it out of there. I live in the shop now.’

  ‘And how many dolls do you sell per week?’ Fran asked quickly.

  ‘NoneIhardlyeversellany,’ Miss Flint replied before Tiga could whisper the question in her ear.

  ‘Fran,’ Tiga said, holding up her hand so she covered the camera lens. ‘Did you just do a fast speaking spell on Miss Flint?’

  ‘What makes you say that?!’ Fran asked.

  Smoke started coming out of Miss Flint’s mouth.

  ‘Mytonguefeelslikeit’sahelicopter!’

  Fran began whistling innocently.

  ‘And cut,’ Lizzie Beast said with a sigh.

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Miss Flint, by Tiga

  1.Her first name is Gregette.

  2.She studied Moth, a rare and virtually extinct witch language, at Waverly Way College.

  3.In Celia Crayfish’s memoirs she describes Miss Flint as having ‘a heart of gold and the aroma of a soft cheese’.

  4.She has an extra toe, which she calls Mini Gregette.

  5.She once appeared on an episode of Fran’s failed show, Melt My Wings and Call Me Carol, as the witch who had to shout ‘CAROL! CAROL! I’M CALLING YOU CAROL!’ She didn’t enjoy it.

  How to Embellish a Fabulous Witchoween Outfit (Inspired by Desperate Dolls)

  •Transform a simple T-shirt by placing some stick-on gems in a collar shape around the neckline, or glue them in a long loop, like a hanging necklace.

  •Pom-poms (small or large) are a great addition to any outfit – and have been a popular outfit embellishment at Witchoween parties for centuries. Glue a line of pom-poms around the waist or hem of a skirt for classic Witchoween style.

  •Ask some older witches in your house if they have any old bits of broken jewellery, beads, patches of fabric, odds and ends, that they don’t want and sew them o
n to your skirt. This is a Witchoween tradition that young witches still do today. You can create all sorts of interesting and eclectic designs!

  Jam Factory

  Next on the list was Sophia Slopp at the Mouldy Jam Factory, which was conveniently just a short hop across the road from Desperate Dolls.

  Inside, the mouldy jam factory walls were covered with pictures of Mavis’s face.

  ‘Mavis is our number one supplier of mouldy jam,’ Sophia Slopp explained. She was much younger than Tiga had imagined, maybe only a couple of years older than Tiga and her friends. She had long hair tied into two flowing bunches on either side of her head, and wore a pair of baggy dungarees splattered with jam.

  ‘The jam on Mavis’s stall,’ Sophia Slopp went on, ‘is always going mouldy. Plus she loves cats, so she likes the idea of ’em being fed. Once we sent her a couple of pots of our best mouldy-jam cat food, called MEOW-OULD, and she told us a very funny story about how she accidentally sold them as normal jam to that Mrs Brew, the fashion designer.’

  ‘That’s Fluffanora’s mum,’ Fran said, as Tiga turned to see Fluffanora frantically scrubbing her tongue with a spare sparkly Fran-sized skirt.

  ‘Oh, you ate it,’ Sophia Slopp said, looking slightly embarrassed. ‘But you lived! So that’s something. I hear mouldy jam tastes almost identical to non-mouldy jam, it’s just a bit … fuzzier.’

  Fluffanora’s face turned green.

  ‘Ah,’ Sophia Slopp said. ‘That reminds me. I was hoping you could help me with something. I’m planning to launch a new flavour of jam cat food and I’m completely stuck for ideas! Do you have any?’

  ‘Parrot,’ Fran said. ‘Melon! Garden!’

  Everyone stared at Fran.

  ‘All … excellent, um, suggestions,’ Sophia Slopp said kindly as she pretended to write them down.

  ‘Right,’ Fran said, clapping her hands. ‘Now we’ve got that sorted, let’s get this interview in the can. We’ll film over here.’

  She floated over to a swimming-pool-sized vat of jam with a thick film of mould on the top.

  Sophia Slopp nodded and handed Tiga a pile of star-shaped sunglasses. ‘You need to wear protective goggles near the mouldy jam vats.’

  ‘But these are sunglasses, not goggles,’ Tiga said, looking from the disgusting gloopy pool to Sophia Slopp and back again.

  ‘Untrue,’ Sophia Slopp said, pointing at a tiny description on the side of the glasses.

  These are MOULDY JAM PROTECTION GLASSES, invented by Mavis.

  ‘Well, that’s hardly comforting,’ Tiga said as she handed a pair of the glasses to Fluffanora, who handed them to Lizzie Beast, who tried to hand them on to Fran, but instead pinged her –

  INTO THE MOULDY VAT OF JAM.

  ‘Oh dear, I didn’t mean t–’ Lizzie Beast began, as Fluffanora high-fived her.

  ‘Well played,’ Fluffanora said. ‘Well played.’

  ‘FRAN!’ Tiga cried, peering into the vat. She couldn’t see her in amongst all the gloopy bits!

  ‘Is that her?’ Fluffanora said casually. ‘Oh, no. That’s some vibrant mould.’

  Tiga rolled up her sleeve and dunked an arm in. She felt around in the gloop. Lizzie Beast and Sophia Slopp joined in too.

  ‘She’ll be fine,’ Fluffanora said. ‘Give her a moment or two to resurface …’

  ‘Put your arms in!’ Tiga ordered.

  ‘I didn’t sign up for this,’ Fluffanora said, flicking her finger, and with a thud and a bit of magic, a giant pair of rubber gloves appeared. She pulled them on and plunged a hand in too.

  Tiga felt around frantically in the gloop. ‘Fran!’ she shouted. ‘Fran!’

  ‘I’VE GOT HER,’ Lizzie Beast shouted, making the mouldy jam wobble. She pulled a tiny thing out triumphantly and shook it off.

  They all looked up at it eagerly.

  ‘It’s … a tiny doll,’ Tiga said.

  ‘That happens sometimes,’ Sophie Slopp said. ‘Miss Flint’s got a strong arm, and sometimes she thinks she’s throwing the dolls into a pile ready for sorting, but she’s actually throwing them across the road and in here.’

  Fluffanora pulled another tiny thing out of the gloop. ‘Another doll!’

  ‘I have something!’ Sophie Slopp said with a snort. ‘Oh, no. Just another doll.’

  ‘How many tiny dolls are in here?’ Tiga cried, just as she wrapped her fingers around something wriggling. ‘Wait! I’ve got her!’

  It was Fran, smeared in slime. Tiga gently placed her like a limp fish on the floor.

  ‘WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN,’ Fran said sternly.

  The others nodded.

  ‘Of course not,’ Fluffanora said, trying not to smile.

  ‘Wait a second!’ Sophia Slopp cried. ‘Why is the mouldy jam sparkling?’

  Fran squeezed some mouldy jam juice out of her beehive. ‘I panicked,’ she said. ‘The glittery dust just … fell out of my armpits. I was scared! It could happen to anyone.’

  Sophia Slopp stuck a finger in the jam and put it in her mouth, making a sucking noise.

  ‘Gross,’ Fluffanora whispered in Tiga’s ear.

  ‘It’s delicious! It’s the perfect new taste I was looking for – mouldy jam cat food, with a mild fairy flavour!’

  ‘I’m not sure we should encourage the cats to eat fai–’ Fran began, but Sophia Slopp was squealing so loudly it drowned her out.

  ‘IT’S PERFECT. FRAN, YOU ARE A GENIUS!’

  Fran stuck her nose in the air. ‘I think you’ll find it’s snitch.’

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Sophia Slopp, by Tiga

  1.She got the idea for mouldy jam cat food when she was five years old.

  2.Because of her and the food she provides, the cat population of Sinkville has quadrupled over the past five years.

  3.Her jam cat food is the bestselling cat food in Sinkville.

  4.She won the award for ‘Nicest Witch EVER to Cats’.

  5.She hates cats.

  How to Play the Mouldy Jam Dive Party Game

  NOTE: This game is disgusting. But also fun. But definitely disgusting.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

  •A lot of red jelly (and water to make the jelly)

  •A gigantic bowl!

  •Cotton wool (a clump of it)

  •Tiny dolls, or you can make your own

  •A tiny notebook (make your own by folding over tiny sheets of paper and designing your own cover)

  •Glitter glue

  •Sunglasses (the weirder the better)

  •Glitter (mild fairy flavour)

  HOW TO MAKE IT:

  1.Make the jelly, and once it’s set, reeeeally scrunch it with your hands in the big bowl.

  2.Add the clumps of cotton wool and really scrunch that in too. The cotton wool will represent the mould, because none of us have time to sit around waiting for your jam to go mouldy.

  3.Drop in the tiny dolls and hide them, BUT keep hold of one.

  4.Cover the chosen doll’s skirt in glitter glue. This fairy represents Fran. If you have time, you can add a beehive to her head using some grey wool.

  5.Add Fran (once her skirt has dried) to the bowl, along with the notebook and hide them.

  6.PUT ON YOUR SUNGLASSES.

  HOW TO PLAY:

  •Each competitor takes it in turns to dive a hand in and try to find Fran and/or the notebook.

  •Players must keep their eyes closed when they dive their hand into the bowl.

  •The winners are those who find either Fran or the notebook. ULTIMATE WITCH WINNING POINTS IF YOU FIND BOTH.

  •(Make sure no small witches eat the jelly afterwards. The cotton-wool mould is not edible.)

  The Flying Ferry

  Despite the jam factory fiasco, Fran’s mood lifted significantly the closer the four of them got to the Flying Ferry. They were only at the edge of the docks and the fairy was already close to exploding.

  ‘IT’S MY FAVOURITE THING TO DO AT WEEKENDS!’ she roared. The Flying
Ferry, she’d told them, took off from a hidden spot on Sunken Ship Road.

  ‘I remember visiting the spa there during Witch Wars,’ Tiga said. ‘You tried to slip into a fish, Fran.’

  ‘Ah, memories!’ Fran said, pinching her cheek. ‘Now, we just need to get down there.’

  ‘And how are we going to do that?’ Tiga stared into the glossy black water. She could see the pinpricks of light from Waverly Way below.

  ‘IN THE TRUNK, THANK YOU,’ Fran said, magically lifting up the trunk and then, with the full power of her tiny body, shoving Lizzie Beast in head first. Much to Tiga’s surprise, Lizzie Beast disappeared completely.

  ‘But we can’t all fit in there!’ Tiga cried as she raced over to the trunk to inspect it. ‘How did Lizzie Beast fit?’

  ‘IN!’ Fran demanded.

  The inside of the trunk looked like a really well accessorised submarine. Fluffanora’s handmade necklaces and tiny skirts for Fran hung on rails along the walls, and the seats Lizzie Beast and Fluffanora were perched on were strewn with tiny fairy shoes, and a couple of bigger, Tiga-sized ones.

  Tiga could feel the thing wobbling through the air, followed by a strange splosh as they hit the water.

  ‘How did we fit in here?’ Tiga asked.

  ‘Simple shrink spell,’ Lizzie Beast said. ‘All you need is some fairy dust and the ability to shout.’

  ‘It’s scary how much power she has,’ Fluffanora said as she parted a rail of tiny skirts and peeked out of a porthole. Tiga could just make out the ghostly-looking sunken boats of Sunken Ship Road in the distance. And Fran up ahead in her swimming costume.

  Down and down the trunk went, until it was brushing the tips of the sunken ships and Lizzie Beast was green from seasickness. There was a bang, and the trunk swirled around in a black ink-like substance.

  ‘I can’t see!’ Fluffanora cried. ‘What’s happening?!’

  Tiga grabbed hold of Lizzie Beast and covered her face. There was a thud as the trunk rolled and came to a stop on firm ground.

  ‘Do you think we’ve hit the seabed?’ Fluffanora asked.