Witch Glitch Read online

  For Gemma, Ellen and Lilfrank – S.P.

  For Rosie, Bug hugs xxx – L.E.A.

  Also by Sibéal Pounder

  Witch Wars

  Witch Switch

  Witch Watch

  Contents

  The Story So Far

  1 A New Life in Silver City (Also Dennis)

  2 De-Cheesing

  3 Lucy Tatty

  4 Silver Stacks

  5 Tube Fairy

  6 A Fabulous Complaint

  7 Fluffenwaffle

  8 Cooking for Tiny People

  9 Smash!

  10 Helmet

  11 The Clutterbucks Pipe and Peggy’s Letter

  12 All Aboard!

  13 Clutterbucks

  14 Please Take a Flyer, Thank You

  15 Massive Face

  16 Spellbooks and Dust

  17 Rainbow Bones

  18 Massive Face, Part 2

  19 Uh-Oh …

  20 The Karens Underestimate Fluffanora

  21 But No One Goes to the Badlands …

  22 Special Effects

  23 Who Switched the Smog Off?

  24 Fran’s Big Feet

  25 Inside That Jelly Castle

  26 At the Mmmf

  27 To the Hall of Swings

  28 Suitcases

  29 All of Them

  30 Home!

  31 The Ghosts of the Fairy Caravan Park

  32 The Fairy Flop

  33 Cloaks Galore

  34 Peggy and Felicity Fall into the Badlands

  35 Caravan Conundrum

  36 Put the Cauldron Away, Karen

  37 Cheats

  38 Fran’s Face

  39 Wardrobe Wars

  40 Um …

  41 Free to Go, and Kake

  42 Fluffanora is Offended

  43 By the Fountain

  44 Massive

  45 No One Can See the Kake

  46 Return to Sender

  47 Australia?

  48 Peggy in Trouble

  49 Fluffanora Knows the Answer

  50 Ahoy, NAPA!

  51 Help?

  52 Felicity Bat Figures It Out

  53 Gloria Explains

  54 That Makes Sense …

  55 Back to That Jelly Castle

  56 Moo

  57 That Little Tube …

  58 Fluff My Hair and Call Me Maggots

  The Story So Far

  Last time in Ritzy City:

  Deep down below the sink pipes in the witchy world of Sinkville, Celia Crayfish, the most evil witch to ever rule the place, RETURNED, and it was terrifying. Good witches battled evil ones, along with a lot of fairies in specially designed hats. Tiga and her fellow Witch Wars witches saved the day and banished Celia Crayfish and all the other evil witches to a cheese factory above the pipes. That was dreadful for all of them, apart from Miss Heks – because she loves only one thing in life. And that one thing is cheese.

  Tiga also found her long-lost mum, Gretal Green! It turned out she had been sucked into her hat during the Big Exit (long story …), along with all the other witches in Silver City. So, evil witches banished, and the witches of Silver City saved, Tiga jumped on a hoover (don’t ask) with her mum and her slug (who she discovered is called Sluggfrey) and off they went to Silver City to live happily ever after…

  Oh, and Fran joined them, too. When we left them, Fran was suggesting they all sing a song. She was in the process of trying to relaunch her singing career. In the olden days Fran had been in a band called Just Fran, which included her and two other fairies – Crispy and Millbug-Mae. Fran shouted self-centred lyrics while Crispy clapped next to her. Millbug-Mae did absolutely nothing.

  Anyway, on that perfectly crisp evening, Tiga, her mum and Sluggfrey soared through the clouds to the sound of Fran singing her first and what she herself calls best song ever written, ‘Fran, Fran, For Ever’.

  It looked like they were zooming towards a happily ever after. But things are never that simple, are they?

  1

  A New Life in Silver City (Also Dennis)

  Has there been anyone

  more fabulous, ever?

  Nopedy nope!

  Fran, Fran, for ever!

  ‘I’m never going to get that song out of my head,’ Tiga groaned. ‘And I haven’t seen Fran for weeks.’

  ‘It really sticks, doesn’t it? I woke up singing it,’ Gretal Green said as she poured a silvery liquid into a tiny teapot. It was being held in the middle of the table by a lean arm clad in a beautiful lace glove.

  ‘Is that … a real witch’s arm in that glove?’ Tiga asked, wincing as it swivelled to face her.

  Ever since she’d arrived in Silver City, Tiga had had so many questions, like why did everyone foot-wave instead of hand-wave when saying hello? Why did Winglecca, the witch who owned the cinema, refuse to speak to anyone apart from the sparkly bat statue outside the door? And what was the silver liquid everyone drank every morning? And that was before she got started on her mum’s weird inventions. She got the impression her mum was both admired and feared in the town – a genius who could potentially fix their every problem, but might also accidentally maim them all.

  ‘No, no, that glove is one of my inventions, Tiga!’ her mother said, twirling around the gleaming black kitchen with all the momentum of someone acting in a musical. ‘I got it out of the attic just for you! It’s just a bewitched glove. I call him Dennis.’

  ‘Dennis?’

  ‘Yes, Tiga. Dennis.’

  Dennis scooped up the teapot and swivelled around, pouring it efficiently into a little puddle on the floor next to Tiga.

  Tiga looked from the puddle to her mum, who was rubbing her chin.

  ‘Never quite gets the distance right …’ she mumbled, as Tiga flicked her finger and the liquid leapt obediently back into the teapot.

  ‘You’re getting very good at spells,’ Gretal Green beamed.

  A dress danced into the room, making Tiga jump.

  ‘WHAT IS THAT?!’

  ‘Another invention,’ Gretal Green said proudly.

  ‘Let me guess, it’s called … Gertrude?’

  ‘No, he’s also Dennis.’

  ‘WHAT?’ Tiga cried.

  ‘Well, I made an entire outfit, and all the parts are called Dennis.’

  There was stomping coming from the attic.

  ‘Dennis the shoes were out of control, so I locked them in the attic. Dennis the tights ran away …’

  Dennis the dress floated through the air, a frilly monstrosity of lace and ribbons. It wrapped around Tiga. ‘That’s a hug,’ Gretal Green explained.

  Tiga watched as her pet slug, Sluggfrey, slimed his way across the table. He was joined by a couple of his fellow slugs, Ailbhe and Clara. When Tiga found her mum, she also discovered one of her mum’s experiments – a bunch of slugs that were sent above the pipes to spy on non-witches. They all lived in the doll’s house in the hallway. All ten of them.

  Who else had breakfast with pet slugs and various items of frilly bewitched clothing called Dennis?

  ‘We’re not normal witches, are we?’ Tiga said.

  Gretal Green cackled. ‘Who wants to be a normal witch?’

  ‘Me,’ Tiga said quietly to herself.

  ‘GOOD MORNING, FANS SLASH FAMILY!’ Fran the fabulous fairy squealed as she glided into the room, shooting glittery dust everywhere. ‘Isn’t this wonderful! I’m visiting! And just in time for a family breakfast.’

  Tiga smiled and waved at Fran as Dennis the dress turned and headed for the door. Dennis the glove leapt off the table and grabbed hold of Dennis the dress, and the pair of them disappeared into the hallway.

  ‘Rude,’ Fran said with a snort. ‘That is not how you treat THE MOST FABULOUS FAIRY SINKVILLE HAS EVER
SEEN.’

  ‘Certainly not,’ Gretal Green said with a smile. ‘It’s lovely to see you, Fran! Look at all the wonderful glittery dust you’ve brought with you!’

  Fran bowed as Tiga ducked under the table and scraped some glittery dust off her tongue.

  ‘Everyone loves glittery dust,’ Fran said. ‘And everyone loves me.’

  ‘Glittery dust …’ Gretal Green said quietly as Tiga resurfaced from under the table, coughing. ‘That gives me an idea …’

  ‘An idea?’ Tiga said nervously.

  ‘What’s for breakfast, servant – I mean, Gretal Green?’ Fran said, clicking her fingers.

  ‘Oh,’ Gretal Green said, completely lost in thought. Her eyebrows knitted like they always did when she was mulling over a new invention. Tiga tensed at the thought of what her mum would come up with next. ‘What would you like, Fran?’

  ‘Jam,’ Fran demanded.

  ‘Absolutely,’ Gretal Green said, waving her hand. ‘We haven’t had jam since we returned, have we, Tiga?’

  Tiga shook her head meekly, wondering why her mum was waving her hands.

  Fran wasn’t paying attention. ‘Shall we sing my song “Fran, Fran, For Ever”?’

  ‘No,’ Tiga and Gretal Green said quickly as a pot of jam with long ostrich-like legs came stalking into the room.

  ‘Another invention?’ Tiga asked.

  Gretal Green shook her head. ‘No, the legs came free with the jam.’

  Fran looked unimpressed as the jam jar leapt on to the table and smashed. Tiga looked down at the disgusting mouldy black goo.

  ‘Ah, yes,’ Gretal Green said quietly. ‘I forgot I’ve been trapped in a hat for years. I’ll need to buy some new jam.’

  Fran began licking the table. ‘What?’ she asked, spotting Tiga’s scrunched-up face. ‘Aged jam is a delicacy. Probably.’

  Dennis the dress came floating back into the room, a frilly arm outstretched in the direction of the jam.

  ‘No, I will not share my fine aged jam with a … dress thing,’ Fran scoffed, flopping her entire body on the table and spreading out in a starfish shape, completely covering the jam. ‘Especially not a frumpy one.’

  Dennis the dress floated on the spot.

  ‘Shoo,’ Fran said, slapping the frilly sleeve.

  Tiga watched as Fran lapped up the jam. It reminded her of the weird goo Peggy’d had on her hair when she first met her. I’m Peggy Pigwiggle. I like your mad clothes – you must be from above the pipes echoed her friend’s chirpy voice from the box in her brain filled with memories.

  ‘Tiga?’ Gretal Green asked. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘YOU CAN’T HAVE MY JAM,’ Fran said, aggressively gobbling it.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Tiga mumbled, though she wasn’t really. She missed Peggy and Fluffanora and Mavis with her stall of fresh jam. She hadn’t seen them in weeks; she’d been too busy settling into Silver City, getting to know her mum. She had everything she’d ever dreamed of in Silver City, apart from one thing: she didn’t have her friends. She wondered what Peggy and Fluffanora were up to at that very second. Probably having a breakfast of fresh Mavis jam, curled up on the floor of Linden House together, laughing about something, she thought.

  ‘TOO MUCH!’ Fran roared, rolling off the table. ‘I’M GOING TO BURST.’

  SILVER TIMES

  * * *

  * * *

  LAVISH TIGHTS

  WANTED

  IN CONNECTION WITH

  ROBBERY AT SILVERS,

  THE GEM SHOP,

  APPARENTLY

  * * *

  * * *

  Olivia Opal, owner of Silvers, insists the robbery committed this morning at her gem shop was the work of ‘a lavish pair of tights’.

  Made with fine silk gauze and patterned with delicate lace, the tights trotted in and started robbing, using one leg like an arm to scoop the gems from the counter, and the other as a sort of sack.

  We spoke to Olivia Opal, who said she had reported the incident to Top Witch Peggy Pigwiggle in Ritzy City.

  Witches are urged to come forward if these tights sound familiar, and to check their drawers in case any of their tights may have sneaked out.

  2

  De-Cheesing

  ‘Why do we have to de-cheese the shop every morning? We’ve been doing it for weeks,’ Fluffanora said, plonking herself down next to the hundreds of Brew’s witches who were flicking their fingers all over the shop. ‘LET’S JUST ALL ADMIT THAT IT WILL ALWAYS SMELL OF CHEESE.’

  ‘Strong spell, strong smell, we’ll get it eventually,’ Mrs Brew said patiently. ‘Thank you for helping, too, Peggy.’

  ‘Pleasure,’ Peggy said, gagging.

  ‘I can’t believe that evil witch Miss Heks turned the shop into cheese during the good versus evil battle,’ Fluffanora said, sniffing a pair of shoes. ‘So unnecessary.’

  Mrs Brew placed a feathery hat on a witch mannequin. ‘Well, it is a new era now. No more strange goings-on in Ritzy City. Nothing but normal life again, finally.’

  ‘Excuse me, Mrs Brew, I found this outside,’ one of her assistants said, handing her the Silver Times newspaper. ‘I think we’d better check the tights, especially the lace ones.’

  ‘Lavish tights … have robbed a gem shop,’ Mrs Brew said.

  Fluffanora cackled. ‘Normal …’

  Peggy straightened her shabby hat. ‘We’re working on that case. Oh, and I’d better go in a minute, I’m working on the old Sinkville Express railway, reconnecting the cities again! And it’ll mean Tiga can visit easily.’

  ‘Good,’ Mrs Brew said. ‘I don’t like the thought of her trying to levitate all the way here, or riding her mum’s rickety hoover.’ She turned to Fluffanora. ‘Could you scrape the cheese off the gloves over there, please.’

  Fluffanora pretended not to hear her.

  ‘Fluffanora!’

  ‘Oh, all right,’ she said, reluctantly. She held one up and stared at it, wrinkling her nose in disgust. ‘I miss Tiga. I bet she’s having an absolutely sparkly time in Silver City …’

  An extract from The Karens,

  a very terrifying special book

  The strange thing about the Karens was NOT that there was a whole coven of them and they were all called Karen, OR that their cat was also called Karen, although that was admittedly weird. And let’s not get started on their toes. No, the strange thing about the Karens was that they cared about only one thing. And that one thing was wishes.

  Have you got a wish? Because if you do, the Karens might just come knocking …

  3

  Lucy Tatty

  Knock knock.

  ‘I’ll get it!’ Tiga cried, clattering down the stairs. Gretal Green had bewitched them so they moved like escalators above the pipes, only more clunkily, and – inconveniently – upwards, so they were only really useful if you were going upstairs. Going downstairs was near impossible. Tiga gave up halfway and just levitated to the bottom, losing her balance and rolling into the door.

  She reached up for the handle and flung the door open excitedly, hoping Peggy or Fluffanora had come to see her.

  A pair of tights limped in.

  ‘Oh, you’re back, are you?’ Gretal Green scoffed as she came trotting down the hallway. ‘Tiga, this is Dennis, the runaway tights.’

  Tiga watched as the tights hopped up the stairs, one leg agile, the other filled with what looked like rocks … or jewels. They crunched and clinked on the stairs.

  A witch standing at the door with a sparkling silver sack coughed impatiently and handed Tiga a newspaper.

  ‘Oh,’ Tiga said, trying not to sound too disappointed it wasn’t Peggy and Fluffanora but rather a pair of tights and the post witch.

  ‘The Silver Times, for Tiga and Gretal Green.’

  Tiga smiled politely as Gretal Green took it and read the front page.

  LAVISH TIGHTS WANTED IN CONNECTION WITH ROBBERY AT SILVERS, THE GEM SHOP, APPARENTLY

  ‘DEEEEEENNNNNNNNNIIISSSSSSS!’ />
  ‘And a package,’ the witch said, handing this one straight to Gretal Green.

  ‘What is it?’ Tiga asked, trying to read the label.

  Gretal Green dropped the Silver Times and grabbed the package with both hands. ‘The tube! The essential component for my latest, and possibly greatest, invention!’ She raced up the stairs.

  The witch with the sparkly sack nodded and headed off down the road, disappearing into the bustle of the Silver City morning. Tiga watched as witches swanned past, almost none of them in hats. They were probably too scared of being sucked into them and trapped, like before, she thought. The smell of salty, silvery water below wafted up and danced around Tiga as she stepped outside. The sound of waves lapping against the stilts that held the city afloat was as loud as the cackles coming from the witches clustered outside the Silver Screen Cinema next door.

  ‘I’ve never seen a film worse than Toe Pinchers,’ Tiga heard one say, and they erupted into cackles once more.

  The platform connecting Tiga’s street to the next wobbled as she walked, lost in thought. She wondered if she should ask her mum to take her to Ritzy City on her hoover, or let her borrow it and go herself. But what if her mum thought she didn’t want to be with her in Silver City? Tiga didn’t want to upset her. The poor witch had been stuck in a hat for years! And anyway, Peggy had promised she would get the Sinkville Express up and running so they could visit each other easily, but so far, no news. Peggy had probably turned the railway track into jam, Tiga imagined. Or maybe Lizzie Beast had sat on it, or something.

  A whistling sound interrupted her thoughts – it was quiet at first, then ear-splittingly loud.

  ‘INCOMING!’ a witch roared.

  Something that looked a lot like a basket hurtled past Tiga’s head towards a little witch in front of her.

  ‘WATCH OUT!’ Tiga cried, as it landed with a thud on the girl’s shoulder, knocking her to the ground with a sickening crunch.