Witch Glitch Read online

  ‘Frogcrutches!’ she cried.

  Tiga raced over. ‘Are you all right?’ She recognised the writing on the basket’s tag. It said:

  This is a SORRY-WE-THOUGHT-YOU-WERE-EVIL-AND-LEFT-DURING-THE-BIG-EXIT-WHEN-REALLY-YOU-WERE-JUST-SUCKED-INTO-A-HAT gift basket.

  It was from Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really. Her favourite Ritzy City baker.

  The young witch rubbed her head. ‘They keep sending sorry baskets because they feel bad that we were trapped in hats when they thought we were evil and left Sinkville during the Big Exit.’

  Tiga looked up and saw hundreds of the baskets raining down on the city, knocking witches over, crashing through roofs and windows.

  ‘I really love your outfit!’ the girl squeaked, leaping to her feet.

  Tiga smoothed her metallic silver skirt. She’d teamed it with a lace top and some stripy braces. She looked at what the young witch was wearing. ‘I like your outfit, too –’ She stopped. The young witch was wearing something very familiar.

  ‘Is that …?’ Tiga shook her head and looked again.

  Perhaps she was seeing things.

  No, she was right.

  ‘That’s my Witch Wars outfit, isn’t it?’

  At that, the girl practically choked. She started urgently rummaging around in her backpack and pulled out a piece of paper titled WITCH WARS FAN PACK (Warning: Contains Cats).

  A cat leapt from the backpack and scurried off down the road.

  ‘IT’S YOU!’ the girl roared, pointing a finger at the picture of Tiga and then squidging her finger on Tiga’s nose. ‘YOU’RE TIGA WHICABIM NOW GREEN!’

  Tiga suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious. This was definitely more something Fran would appreciate. ‘Um … yes, I suppose I am.’

  The girl’s eyes widened and she rummaged in her backpack some more, reaching in so far, Tiga was sure she was going to disappear into it completely.

  ‘I’m Lucy. Lucy Tatty. I made the outfit myself. And I am your number one fan!’

  Tiga noticed the backpack was covered in scribbly sketches of her face, and Fran’s, and Peggy’s, even Felicity Bat’s.

  ‘I just finished watching Witch Wars the other day. I was late to watch it because I was stuck in a hat, but now I’ve seen every episode and all the reruns. They show it all the time on Fairy 5.’ She pulled a map out of her bag. There was a gigantic sparkly cross over Tiga’s house. ‘I was actually coming to see where you lived. It took me days to figure it out, but this is where I think it is. Is it?’ She thrust the map in Tiga’s face.

  ‘Uh, yes,’ Tiga said, as another basket came crashing down and sent a cat flying.

  ‘Poor thing!’ Lucy cried. ‘When I’m older I’m going to open a centre for cats having a bad day. I’ll call it The Centre for Cats Having a Bad Day. Or Happy Fluff, or something …’

  ‘Sounds good,’ Tiga said wearily as Lucy Tatty pulled a shrivelled head out of her bag.

  ‘Will you sign my shrivelled head? I also made it.’

  Tiga took it to sign it.

  ‘Out of paper – and a big old ball of soggy cat hair.’

  ‘Ugh!’ Tiga squealed, dropping it on the ground.

  ‘NEVER MIND!’ Lucy Tatty said, leaping from foot to foot next to the now slightly bashed thing. ‘I’ll make a new one later, I have lots of cats! I’m Lucy Tatty and I’m your number one fan.’

  ‘Yes,’ Tiga said. ‘You mentioned that. Wait, Tatty? You know, my best friend, Fluffanora, loves a book called Melissa’s Broken Broom. It’s written by a witch called Gloria Tatty!’

  The girl scrunched up her face. ‘Fluffanora said Witch Wars was silly. That’s why she’s not on my bag. I drew a mash-up of yours and Fran’s faces instead.’

  ‘Lovely,’ Tiga said, inspecting the bag. One of the doodles featured a speech bubble with I’M FABULOUS! And was essentially Tiga with Fran’s body, hair and glasses.

  ‘But Fluffanora was nice to you so I like her now. And yes, Gloria Tatty is my granny.’

  ‘Cool!’ Tiga said. ‘Does she live in Silver City?’

  ‘No, she lives at Rainbow Bones, in the towers. It’s a place for exceptionally old witches. All her books are in the Silver Stacks bookshop. Do you regret letting Peggy win?’

  ‘Uh, well, no,’ Tiga said, barely able to keep up.

  ‘Does Crispy smell?’

  Tiga shook her head.

  ‘Tiga!’ Gretal Green shouted from the window. ‘What are you doing over there?’

  ‘I’m going to show her the best bookshop in Silver City!’ Lucy Tatty called up. ‘They’ve just released a new book about Witch Wars called Witch Wars: The Bloopers, see.’ She pulled a flyer from her bag. The cover showed Tiga fast asleep with her mouth wide open, and Fran shining her shoes on Tiga’s tongue.

  ‘That didn’t happen!’ Tiga cried. ‘Did it?’

  ‘A bookshop! What a lovely idea!’ Gretal Green said, before being distracted by a pair of tights bouncing off down the road. ‘DEEEEENNNNIIIISSSS! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!’

  ‘Do you think Aggie Hoof wishes she was Fluffanora? Do you think Felicity Bat is an idiot? Do you think Peggy is the best witch in the world? Is Fran’s hair real?’ Lucy Tatty plonked her backpack on the ground and started pulling things out of it. ‘I have a Fran-style wig in here somewhere … I made it out of cat hair …’

  ‘Come on,’ Tiga said, hoisting little Lucy to her feet. ‘Let’s go see this brilliant bookshop you were talking about.’

  ‘Oh goody!’ Lucy said, twirling around and latching on to Tiga’s arm. ‘I’m Lucy Tatty, and I’m your number one fan.’

  ‘Yes,’ Tiga said faintly. ‘You said …’

  Another extract from The Karens,

  a really terrifying special book

  The Karens are a bit like genies, only much better. And they don’t live in a RIDICULOUS lamp! They live in a jelly castle.

  The castle is a gigantic, sprawling feast for the eyes, with many turrets added to the place over the years. There are thirteen Karens in total, including one Senior Karen, who is in charge of all the others.

  The Karens guarantee one hundred per cent wish satisfaction. Only a couple of witches have dared return to the castle, unhappy with the results of their wishes. But they all failed to get to them, because their jelly castle has excellent defences against idiots.

  Let’s see, there was Lydia Pond – who, fittingly, failed because she fell in a pond. The Karens found that very funny indeed.

  Then there was Simona Fence, who could not get over the fence the Karens had built around their jelly castle.

  And we must not forget Susanna Goteaten, who took one look at the Karens and ran away.

  The Karens pride themselves on being the best wish-granters in the land, better than any genie you’ve ever met: that, they guarantee. So come along and make a wish! Show your friends this book!

  4

  Silver Stacks

  The Silver Stacks bookshop looked quite different to when Tiga had first seen it.

  When she’d visited the place looking for her mum, it was nothing but dust, cobwebs and very well read spiders. Now the silver exterior glistened in the light, and inside, neon-coloured books floated through the air, tapping witches on the shoulder every now and again.

  ‘The books can fly?’

  Lucy Tatty laughed. ‘The books are for sale, so they’re doing their selling thing, aren’t they?’

  Tiga watched as a copy of Melissa’s Broken Broom bobbed through the air and aggressively bopped an old witch on the head.

  ‘It’s funny you don’t know these things because you lived above the pipes for so long with that Miss Heks woman,’ Lucy rambled on. ‘Why did she really like cheese? Did she ever have a cheese-water bath? I read that somewhere. Was your shed leaky?’

  ‘Has your gran written anything else?’ Tiga asked, trying to change the subject from horrible Miss Heks.

  ‘No, just Melissa’s Broken Broom, we have lots over here, I’ll show you.
’ She reached into her bag and pulled a Miss Heks puppet out of it. ‘I made it so I could pretend I was you. I put a sound thing in her so she screams CHEESE WATER!’

  She pulled the string at the back.

  ‘Please …’ Tiga managed to say. ‘No …’

  ‘CHEESE WATER,’ the doll groaned as Lucy came lunging at her with the thing.

  Tiga stumbled backwards and smacked straight into a bookcase. It wobbled slightly. ‘Uh-oh …’ she said, as the entire thing came crashing down on her.

  Lucy stood over the mound of books and crumpled Tiga. ‘Oops.’

  Slowly Tiga got to her feet, clutching the wall’s faded grey bricks.

  Lucy Tatty skipped on the spot. ‘Are Fran’s glasses real or just for decoration?’

  Tiga stopped. Something caught her eye, wedged in the wall, glowing. She reached past and stretched her fingers. She could feel it! She wiggled the bricks until one began to come loose.

  ‘What are you doing, Tiga my favourite Witch Wars contestant ever?’

  Tiga wasn’t listening to Lucy Tatty. It was almost like she was underwater – everything she could hear was just a warble of whooshing and humming.

  ‘Got it!’ Tiga shouted, making everyone jump.

  Lucy Tatty glanced cautiously at the bookshelf. ‘Got what? Is it a Witch Wars thing?’

  Tiga pulled it out and stared at it. It wasn’t glowing at all, but it definitely had been, hadn’t it? She shook it. Dust fell in large clumps to the ground.

  ‘It was shiny a minute ago …’ she said slowly.

  ‘What was?’ Lucy Tatty asked.

  Tiga wiped the cover with her sleeve.

  ‘This book,’ she said, holding it up so Lucy Tatty could see. ‘The Karens, by Gloria Tatty.’

  5

  Tube Fairy

  ‘What’s that you’ve got there, Tiga?’ Fran asked, swooping in and flicking the book open. Her eyes widened as she read the first page. ‘These Karens are really weird … but I love the Jelly Castle.’ She spotted Lucy. ‘She’s dressed like you and has crazy eyes,’ she mumbled to Tiga out of the side of her mouth. ‘Walk away slowly …’

  ‘No, Fran, this is Lucy Tatty and she is a huge fan of Witch Wars.’

  ‘WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY?’ Fran bellowed, shooting glittery dust in Lucy’s face.

  Lucy bent over double and began heaving.

  ‘It’s wonderful to meet one of my biggest fans, Lucy. You can keep that glittery dust if you want. Bottle it up, keep it on a shelf, prominently displayed, and you can boast, “I got that from Fran, the most fabulous fairy in all of Sinkville.” If you want.’

  ‘I’ve done it! I’ve only gone and done it!’ came a voice from outside the bookshop.

  Tiga spotted her mother cantering past, holding a tiny tube above her head.

  ‘Is something fabulous happening without me?’ Fran asked.

  Tiga snapped the book shut as Fran glided eagerly towards the door. A squat little witch carrying books stacked up to her armpits raced to the door, too.

  ‘Oh, Lady Stacks!’ Lucy shouted after her. ‘This is Tiga, my new friend from Witch Wars!’ But she wasn’t listening.

  ‘She created a new fairy!’ a witch outside shouted. ‘It’s a miracle!’

  Lucy Tatty rolled her eyes. ‘That’s not a miracle. A miracle is a spell you do and then don’t tell anyone you’ve done it.’

  Whatever it was, Tiga couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. Her mum, her mum, had created an actual fairy. Fran was going to kill her.

  ‘THIS,’ Gretal Green shouted from the fountain she was precariously perched on, ‘is a brand new fairy. Fairies are wonderful things.’

  ‘Hear hear!’ Fran shouted. Tiga looked up, surprised. Clearly Fran hadn’t caught the bit about the new fairy.

  ‘This is all about me, isn’t it,’ Fran said, rubbing her hands together.

  ‘Fairies,’ Gretal Green went on, ‘look after us.’

  ‘Well …’ Fran said. ‘Not really a priority, but –’

  ‘And fairies produce a remarkable substance – glittery dust! We are the sparkliest city in all of Sinkville so we should have an abundance of glittery dust!’

  There was a ripple of whispers throughout the crowd. Tiga groaned. Glittery dust was the worst.

  ‘Imagine what we could do with extra fairies! We could make the place look even more wonderful. And just think – if fairies had been around in Silver City when we were all sucked into our hats, they would’ve said something to the witches in Ritzy City and we wouldn’t have been stuck for so long!’

  The whispers from the crowd turned into excitable squeaks.

  ‘This doesn’t feel like it’s massively about me any more …’ Fran said, an eyebrow raised.

  ‘Fairies keep us safe, and make things sparkly. Fran the Fabulous Fairy is the reason I came up with this! She is a wonderful fairy who has looked after my daughter.’

  ‘Don’t forget how famous that fairy is!’ Fran shouted from the crowd.

  ‘Oh, here she is now!’ Gretal Green said.

  Fran flew eagerly through the crowd, soaking up the claps and admiration as she went. ‘No really, stop it! Stop it!’

  Gretal Green hushed the crowd and held up a tiny test tube. ‘I wanted to see if we could use some of Fran’s glittery dust to make new fairies.’

  Tiga watched as Fran felt around in her skirt. That was where she kept her glittery dust. She looked a bit miffed.

  ‘I only took a smidge of the stuff you left in the kitchen this morning,’ Gretal Green insisted. ‘Did a bit of fiddling with this little tube and some toenails and whatnot.’

  The crowd groaned.

  ‘And I created this!’

  She took the stopper off the test tube and a burst of colourful dust shot into the air, making everyone gasp.

  ‘It only took me four minutes,’ she added, proudly.

  There was a silence as the glowing little thing floated down.

  Tiga winced. ‘Uh-oh.’

  Lucy looked at her. ‘Why uh-oh? She’s perfect!’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Tiga. ‘Just wait.’

  ‘YOU CREATED THIS MONSTROSITY?! PUT IT BACK IN ITS LITTLE TUBE!’ Fran bellowed.

  A gorgeous fairy hovered gracefully, waving and winking at the crowd. She had glossy blonde hair, bright white teeth and sparkly eyes. A prototype fairy. The kind Tiga had read about in books above the pipes. The fairy giggled.

  ‘I’M BORED OF IT ALREADY, PUT IT AWAY!’ Fran tried again, but the crowd was mesmerised.

  ‘She’s perfect!’

  ‘She’s wonderful!’

  ‘I want one!’

  ‘I want to be one!’

  Tiga covered her eyes. She couldn’t watch.

  ‘I mean, she’s all right …’ Fran grumbled, inspecting the little fairy’s hair and tugging on it slightly, clearly hoping it was a wig. ‘But as the best fairy of all time, I still vote that we put her back in the little tube thingy.’

  6

  A Fabulous Complaint

  The next day, Felicity Bat levitated into the Linden House sitting room, where Top Witch Peggy Pigwiggle was pacing. She had a number of pressing things to deal with – getting the Sinkville Express up and running, opening a new school in the Docks, and Mavis, who was petitioning to change the shape of all jam jars so they were the same shape as cats.

  ‘Pegs, did you see the papers this morning?’

  She’d hired the once-evil-but-now-just-a-bit-grumpy Felicity Bat to be her adviser. They made a strange pair – one slick and sour faced, the other a bouncing ball of curly hair and hope.

  Peggy shook her head as Felicity Bat threw the newspaper across the room.

  SILVER TIMES

  * * *

  * * *

  GRETAL GREEN

  INVENTS

  AN ENTIRE FAIRY!

  * * *

  * * *

  The ingenious inventor and NAPA employee Gretal Green has created Sinkville’s first test tube fair
y in a bid to increase fairy numbers again. The idea was inspired by Fran, who accompanied Green and her daughter, Tiga, to Silver City to help Tiga settle in. Tiga had been living with the famous Brew family in Ritzy City after not winning Witch Wars and before finding her mother.

  The fairy has decided to call herself Zarkle and wishes, in her exact words, ‘to spread joy, smiles and perfection and be the best fairy Sinkville has ever seen!’ We visited the Fairy Caravan Park to ask Crispy the fairy what she made of the news, but Crispy couldn’t stop laughing, between wheezes of ‘Fran’ and ‘War’.

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  ‘Does Fran know yet?’ Peggy spluttered.

  Felicity Bat smiled. ‘That was the next thing I was going to talk to you about …’ She opened the door and in shot a blur of beehive and glitter.

  ‘Your Top Witchiness, it is I, FRAN! I am here to file a very serious complaint about a sort-of fairy!’

  Peggy listened patiently, trying not to laugh as Fran re-enacted the reveal of Gretal Green’s new fairy.

  ‘So we should squash her or put her in a glass jar or –’ She stopped when she spotted Peggy’s horrified face. ‘Or … something less brutal but equally effective?’

  Peggy patted the fairy’s beehive gently. ‘Fran –’