Witch Glitch Read online

  ‘Watch the hair!’ Fran said, recoiling.

  ‘Fran,’ Peggy tried again. ‘I really don’t think I can – or would want to – squash another fairy. And trapping her in a jar would be cruel.’

  ‘Would it?’ Fran asked, giving Peggy a playful nudge.

  ‘Yes,’ Felicity Bat said.

  ‘And if Felicity Bat of all witches thinks it’s cruel,’ Peggy whispered to Fran, giving her a wink, but Fran crossed her arms and stared off in the other direction.

  ‘If Tiga was in charge of Sinkville, she would squash the new fairy for me.’

  ‘Fran,’ Peggy said. ‘I have bigger problems to deal with. Mavis wants to change the shape of jam jars so they are the exact same shape as a cat.’

  Fran thought about that for a moment.

  ‘Cat-shaped jam jars, Fran.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Fran said slowly. ‘It sounds like you just said cat-shaped jam jars are more important than A FAIRY IN DISTRESS?’

  Peggy tried to place a finger on Fran’s shoulder, but Fran just shook her off, fluffed her beehive of hair dramatically and headed towards the door. ‘Well, I have to do my Cooking for Tiny People show now. I shall have to fix this new fairy stuff myself, and I shall fix it fabulously.’

  7

  Fluffenwaffle

  ‘You’re taller in real life,’ Lucy Tatty said, clinging to Tiga’s arm as they strolled along Silver City’s winding walkways the following day. It was becoming clear to Tiga that Lucy Tatty wasn’t going anywhere.

  ‘So you didn’t know your gran wrote The Karens?’ Tiga asked. Witches trotted past them, occasionally being knocked to the ground by one of the many wayward Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really gift baskets that were still hurtling through the air.

  Lucy Tatty ducked to avoid one while holding the book at arm’s length like it was an aggressive cat. ‘No, I’ve definitely never seen this book before!’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t look finished. Maybe she never got around to finishing it! What a discovery!’

  ‘I could BURST with excitement.’ Lucy Tatty beamed. ‘You should show your friend Flufflewaffle who likes my gran’s other book!’

  ‘It’s Fluffanora …’

  ‘That’s what I said, isn’t it?’ Lucy Tatty said. ‘Fluffentruffle, the one who thought Witch Wars was silly. Oh no, wait, Fluffanora. How many times do you think you’ve cuddled Peggy? Tiga? Tiga?’ She trotted after Tiga, the book hanging at her side. She was so focused on catching up with Tiga that she completely missed the little letter that slipped from the book and fell into the choppy water below.

  8

  Cooking for Tiny People

  ‘Whaaaaaaat?!’ Fran roared as she flew on to set.

  ‘Isn’t she fabulous?’ Patricia the producer oozed. ‘She’s called Zarkle. It’s Gretal Green’s new fairy invention.’

  ‘If that’s your kind of thing,’ Fran said, trying her best to remain composed. Tiny lumps of glitter were puffing from her collar. Zarkle and her silly name had somehow made her way on to the set. ‘Patricia,’ Fran said urgently. ‘I wanted to run my recipe for today’s episode past you. My best yet! It’s called FINE AGED JAM, and we’ll sit and stare at some fine aged jam – looking fabulous, of course – and then we’ll say, ‘And after you wait around eight years, this is what you’ll get.’ And I’ll show some fine aged jam. I know where to get it. My fan-family, the Greens in Silver City, have many jars.’

  Patricia the producer tapped Fran hastily on the beehive. ‘Actually, I’ve asked Zarkle to present today. Mix things up a bit.’

  Fran blinked at her.

  ‘Zarkle, Fran. She’s going to do a recipe today.’

  Fran blinked at her.

  ‘ZARKLE, FRAN!’

  Fran nodded and then, in her best booming voice, managed to squeak, ‘WELL ALL RIGHTY THEN! I’LL JUST GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR, AND HER PERFECT HAIR.’

  They all watched as she flew calmly out of the door.

  ‘Well, that went well,’ Patricia the producer said to Crispy, as Zarkle twirled next to the fridge.

  Crispy put on a helmet.

  Patricia the producer raised an eyebrow. ‘Why the helmet, Crispy?’

  ‘War,’ Crispy said with a knowing nod. ‘This will mean war.’

  9

  Smash!

  Fran clattered about in her caravan, a spoon propped up on the chaise longue in the corner.

  The spoon was showing the live Fairy Network coverage of Zarkle on Cooking for Tiny People.

  The camera kept dropping slightly, like Crispy was letting go of it or falling asleep.

  ‘I went with the name Zarkle because it means the highest grade of sparkle and I am the highest grade of fairy,’ she said with a giggle.

  ‘Pah!’ Fran spat, before turning and frantically thumbing through a tiny dictionary.

  FAIRY WORDS

  Zarkle

  Zark-al

  To sparkle brighter than anything and ANYONE else.

  Examples

  I wish I could zarkle like that.

  There’s sparkle, and then there’s zarkle.

  Origin

  Old Witchlish, seventh century. Used by the founding witches of Sinkville, most commonly when complaining about bright spells, for example: THAT SPELL IS ZARKLING MY EYEBALLS, ANNABELLE.

  ‘It was originally an offensive word!’ Fran said, pleased with herself. ‘Used to yell at a witch called Annabelle.’ But there was no one in her caravan to hear her.

  She grunted as she pulled at a sparkly rope leading all the way out of the door of her caravan. She dropped the spoon and held the rope tightly with both hands.

  ‘FABULOUS HEAVE!’ she shouted. ‘FABULOUS HEAVE!’

  Outside, a jam jar with TRAP scrawled on it in sparkly paint dangled on the end of the rope.

  ‘This is the perfect trap,’ Fran said, in her best villain voice. ‘The perfect trap jar.’

  She was lost in thoughts of trapping Zarkle and hiding her in the Cooking for Tiny People fridge when a letter – a large one, smartly typed – squeezed its way through the door.

  ‘Huh?’ Fran mumbled, slipping slightly and letting go of the rope. There was an almighty crunch outside. She peeked out of the door.

  ‘FROGTRUFFLENUTWAFFLES! My Zarkle trap!’ she squealed, looking down at the shattered pieces.

  And that’s when she saw what was written on the letter.

  DO YOU WISH YOU WERE BIGGER SO YOU

  COULD EASILY HOLD A JAM JAR WITH

  ‘TRAP’ WRITTEN ON IT?

  You saw our book – you know that

  WE CAN MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

  (not like a genie, we’re better than

  that rubbish).

  VISIT THE KARENS! Fly to us at:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard,

  The Badlands,

  Sinkville.

  Strictly no hot Clutterbucks cocktails

  please.

  10

  Helmet

  ‘Aaaany second now,’ Crispy said, tapping her helmet. ‘Fran will be back aaaany second now.’

  Patricia the producer tapped her foot impatiently. ‘Stop tapping your helmet, Crispy,’ she snapped. ‘Every time you do it, you wobble the camera and we are live. Fran isn’t coming back. And can you please stop muttering things about war!’

  Crispy stared at the door with her tiny squashed eyes. ‘She’ll be back,’ she said quietly, more to herself than anyone else. ‘I know Fran.’

  ‘Oh, for the love of a frog playing hopscotch, GET OUT, CRISPY! I’ll do the filming myself.’

  Crispy jumped off her little director-style chair and walked, head down, towards the door. She turned back.

  ‘Really, Patricia the producer?’

  Patricia the producer bent down so she was nose to nose with Crispy. ‘REALLY.’

  And so out Crispy walked, as Zarkle inspected her teeth in the reflection on the fridge.

  ‘I LOVE TEETH I DO,’ the perfect fai
ry said, in a surprisingly gruff voice.

  SILVER TIMES

  * * *

  * * *

  HOLIDAY FOR BROOMS

  * * *

  * * *

  Wonderful news: Peggy Pigwiggle has reinstated the Sinkville Express train, allowing witches high-speed travel to their favourite Sinkville destinations! The train will travel its original route – as far as Pearl Peak, stopping at the Towers, Brollywood, the Docks, Ritzy City, Driptown, all the way to Silver City before looping around the Badlands and back to Silver City.

  The Ritzy City station will have stalls and a Clutterbucks dispenser and Mavis’s new diffusion line of jam, which will be sold in jam jars shaped like cats, despite everyone’s efforts to stop her being so ridiculous.

  The railway was originally built by Lucinda Bunch, an engineer known for her obsessive note-taking and favourite saying: ‘Everything can always go faster.’ It was closed down during evil Celia Crayfish’s reign, as she wanted to cut off easy contact between the cities, carving up Sinkville like pieces of tart.

  But we are united once more! The railway will officially open in the morning, according to Peggy Pigwiggle and assisting Top Witch Felicity Bat. It is a must-do in Sinkville. Jump aboard now! It’s free – zero sinkels!

  * * *

  * * *

  IMPORTANT PUBLIC NOTICE FROM BRELLA RELLA’S UMBRELLA SHOP: You know when you wave an umbrella about and someone always shouts, ‘Be careful! You’ll poke someone’s eye out!’ Turns out this is especially true if your umbrella is made of steel. Apologies to Isabel Tutt.

  * * *

  * * *

  ADVERTISEMENT

  WANTED: an effective recipe for an eyeball repair spell, or just an eyeball. Please contact Isabel Tutt at 47 Swivel Heights, Silver City, Sinkville.

  11

  The Clutterbucks Pipe and Peggy’s Letter

  Tiga lay on her bed reading The Karens. It wasn’t much of a story – just some boastful pages about a coven of witches called Karen and how wonderful they were compared to genies. She watched Sluggfrey flop over on the bed and fall asleep, and wondered if maybe Gloria Tatty had fallen asleep when writing it.

  ‘Evening post!’ her mum said, popping her head around the door and sending a letter sailing over to Tiga. It was stamped with the unmistakable purple T.W. of the Top Witch.

  ‘Peggy!’ Tiga cried as she tore it open, flinging the envelope to the bottom of the bed. Sluggfrey opened one eye, spotted it and slimed over, curling up in it as if it was a sleeping bag. A pipe next to Tiga’s bed spat some glistening liquid into a cup. Her mum had created a Clutterbucks pipe for her – it was magically linked to the café all the way back in Ritzy City so she could have Clutterbucks drinks any time she wanted. It wasn’t quite the same as drinking them with Peggy and Fluffanora, though.

  She took a sip and read the letter.

  Dear Tiga,

  I’m sorry it’s taken me ages to write to you! Everything has been so hectic, and also Felicity Bat ate all the blank paper in Linden House (I think it’s some sort of side effect of turning good …).

  Aggie Hoof has been hanging around Linden House a lot. A lot. She keeps trying to dress me and I keep finding it impossible to say no. I’m writing this to you wearing so many bracelets on my arms I can’t even bend them.

  The good news is I’ve managed to get the Sinkville Express up and running. It took a long time because Celia Crayfish had really messed with it. The first journey is tomorrow and I’ve saved you a space! Go to Silver City station tomorrow and they’ll take you to your special Sinkville Express carriage. Also, could you bring Fran? She came to Linden House to ask if I would kill that new fairy your mum invented and I said no – and now I can’t get hold of her. She doesn’t seem to be in any of her favourite spots – the Fairy Caravan Park, the Cooking for Tiny People set, shouting at Julie Jumbo Wings. So I hope she’s with you?

  I can’t wait to see you – everyone misses you so much (especially ME).

  Love from Peggy

  ‘Fran isn’t with me …’ Tiga mumbled in Sluggfrey’s direction. ‘And she isn’t there. I wonder where she – ?’

  ‘Whatcha reading?’ came a voice from the window, making Tiga scream.

  Lucy heaved herself through and flopped down on the bed, nearly squashing Sluggfrey.

  ‘I just have some more questions, as your number one fan. What is your favourite colour? Do you like Peggy or Fran more? Is Peggy as nice as she seems on TV? Does Aggie Hoof’s scream really sound like that or did they use special effects? What’s that letter about? Is it from Peggy?’

  Tiga shoved the letter under her pillow. ‘It’s nothing,’ she said. ‘You’d better go home – it’s getting late.’

  ‘Oh, that’s no problem at all,’ Lucy said with a smile. ‘I put a hat by my pillow and a load of cats in my bed so my mum will think it’s me.’

  ‘Won’t the cats just climb out of the bed?’

  ‘FROGNUGGETS!’ Lucy cried as she clattered out of the door.

  12

  All Aboard!

  ‘All aboard the Sinkville Express!’ a witch chimed. Her skirt had a train print on it, and she was wearing a hat with an actual mini train zooming around the brim.

  ‘QUICKLY, I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!’

  Tiga stepped up into one of the carriages. It was a beautifully ornate train – all open sides and plump black cushions.

  ‘TIGA!’ came a familiar voice. ‘WAIT FOR ME!’

  Tiga looked around and saw Lucy Tatty scurrying towards her, her huge backpack weighing her down. ‘I’m Tiga’s number one fan, excuse me, coming through. Make way for Tiga’s number one fan, thank you.’

  She wedged herself between Tiga and the edge of the carriage, even though there was an entirely empty seat on the other side.

  ‘How did you know – ?’ Tiga began.

  ‘I saw that the letter was from Peggy – that purple T.W. – and I heard the Sinkville Express was opening up again, so I put two and two together.’ She leaned in and said seriously, in a hushed voice, ‘I think I could beat Felicity Bat with all this brain power.’ She tapped her head.

  Tiga forced a smile.

  ‘I can’t wait to meet everyone,’ Lucy said, as she pulled an old shoe out from under one of the pillows.

  An incredibly old and frail witch leaned into the carriage and snatched it. ‘Mine. Left it here eighty years ago.’ Tiga noticed she was only wearing one shoe and her other foot was clad in nothing more than the remnants of a sock.

  ‘Why didn’t she buy another pair of shoes?’ she whispered to Lucy.

  The old woman slipped on the other shoe and took off like a rocket. ‘WHEEEEEEEE!’

  ‘That’s why,’ Lucy Tatty said, as the old lady disappeared with a little ting in the distance. ‘Those are Shoes by Karen, Who Really Struggles to Think of Cool Shop Names. It’s Silver City’s best shoe shop. Karen’s shoes back in the day were like rockets. My gran said it was weird because her name wasn’t even Karen, it was Eddie. They don’t make them like that any more.’

  ‘Shame,’ Tiga said, grabbing on to her seat as the train began to rattle.

  And off they shot.

  They tore through the cold air high above the glistening silver stilts of the city, and soon they were hurtling towards Ritzy. Lucy grinned and pointed at the book Tiga was clutching tightly.

  ‘Fluffentruffle’s going to love my gran’s book!’

  Tiga turned to see the city’s glistening mismatched roofs poking through the clouds.

  ‘SPEED REDUCING! NEXT STOP RITZY CITY CENTRAL!’

  ‘It’ll be great to see it with someone who really knows the place,’ Lucy Tatty said, leaning over the edge to have a good look. ‘I’ve only ever visited once, when I was really little. Oh, also –’ She reached into her backpack and pulled out a necklace of homemade shrivelled heads. ‘I made this last night. I’m going to get everyone to sign their face! I even made a Fluffanora, and I drew her on my bag.’ She turned the back
pack towards Tiga and pointed at a scrunched scribble right by the bottom seam.

  ‘I’m sure she’ll be delighted …’ Tiga said, leaning over the edge of the carriage. ‘Look! That’s Brew’s. And there’s Mavis, the jam stall owner! MAVIS!’

  She laughed as Mavis picked up one of her jars of jam, looking very confused, and whispered ‘Hello?’ to it.

  Lucy laughed too, even though she had no idea what Tiga was laughing at.

  ‘You know, Tiga,’ Lucy said. ‘I’m your number one fan.’

  Tiga smiled just as another letter slipped from the book on to the seat next to her.

  TIGA LETTER: Second attempt to get in

  touch with Tiga.

  But neither Tiga nor Lucy spotted it.

  Tiga sighed. ‘Yes, I know you’re my number one fa–’

  There was an almighty screech. The train wobbled; the tracks seemed to bend.

  ‘IS THIS MEANT TO HAPPEN?’ Lucy roared. ‘Or is it an unexpected thing, like when you realised Felicity Bat had been cheating in Witch Wars?’

  Tiga clung on to the side as the entire carriage detached from the track and hurtled towards the ground. The letter was sent soaring off in the other direction and landed neatly in a bin, without Tiga noticing a thing.

  The carriage plummeted towards the market stalls below.

  ‘Fraaaaaan, heeeeeelp!’ Tiga instinctively cried.

  ‘I’M YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!’ Lucy Tatty roared in her ear.

  They spiralled down and landed with a CRUNCH on Mavis’s jam stall.

  ‘Oh, I only just fixed the roof!’ Mavis ranted, as Tiga looked up at her sheepishly.