Bad Mermaids Read online

  ‘Probably,’ Paris said, dropping to her knees and crawling behind the moving legs. She thought for a second, then prodded one of them. It pinged off into the water.

  The tank wobbled on one leg.

  ‘No, no, no,’ she cried as the tank toppled, rolling over and over and over before coming to a halt just short of the pier.

  ‘Quickly, quickly,’ Arabella Cod pleaded as the stilettos got louder, then stopped. ‘WE’RE ALMOST THERE!’

  The two of them looked to the door.

  Paris’s heart was beating in her eyeballs. She tried to push the tank, but it was too heavy.

  She could hear Susan Silkensocks laughing. ‘NOT TALKING TODAY, ARE WE, MERMAID?’

  Paris threw her backpack to the floor, spilling the contents across the pier.

  Arabella Cod clutched the tank and stared down at Paris. ‘You can do it, Gadget Queen.’

  Paris ran at the tank, shifting it forward, and forward again. Sweat dribbled down her face. Arabella Cod pressed her hands against the glass as if she too were pushing.

  The tank was almost at the edge of the pier.

  ‘WELL, ANSWER ME, MERMAID!’ Susan Silkensocks shouted.

  Arabella Cod eyed the door. ‘Any second and she’ll realise I’m gone …’

  ‘I can do this,’ Paris said. She took a deep breath then flew at the tank one last time and –

  SPLOSH!

  Paris breathed a sigh of relief and peered over the edge. Two concerned-looking dolphins in shell armour were swimming fast around the mermaid, nudging her tail.

  Paris scrambled to her feet and quickly collected the spilled contents of her backpack. Her hands were shaking. The last thing she needed was her mother finding evidence that it had been her who’d freed the mermaid queen.

  Arabella Cod surfaced in the water, her glorious white hair gleaming in the moonlight. She pointed at the dolphins. ‘My guards,’ she said proudly.

  Paris reached out and stroked their noses.

  ‘WHERE. IS. MY. MERMAAAAAAAID!’ came a roar from inside the factory.

  ‘I must reward you,’ Arabella Cod said, taking off one of her many necklaces and placing it in Paris’s claw hand.

  Paris shone her torch on it. It was a long cylinder crystal on a chain, but in the crystal she could see a tiny mermaid swimming, and a crocodile! Then a teeny tiny jellyfish swam up and down the crystal, then a shark! A little lobster floated past, then a fat fish and a dolphin! They looked real, but they were barely the size of her littlest fingernail.

  ‘A small gift,’ Arabella Cod said. ‘My favourite necklace – it’s thousands of years old.’

  Arabella Cod winked.

  And then she was gone.

  The door to the factory flew open.

  ‘Oh no,’ Paris said, stuffing the necklace in her pocket and scuttling into the shadows. She pasted herself against the side of the factory and squeezed her eyes shut.

  Susan Silkensocks strode out on to the pier and spotted the tank bobbing in the water.

  ‘NOOOOOOOOOO!’ she howled.

  Paris hugged her backpack tightly as the pier shook.

  ‘That mermaid knows my plan! She’ll tell them all. IT’S ALL

  RUIIIINNNED!’

  Paris smirked; she felt quite proud. Susan Silkensocks turned and stormed back towards the factory, but then she stopped.

  Paris shifted a little further into the shadows and held her breath. She was so close she could practically hear her mother’s furious thoughts.

  ‘Well, what do we have here?’ she said.

  Paris froze. She was a dead gadget queen.

  Susan Silkensocks took a step towards Paris. Paris took a deep breath, ready to emerge from the shadows and admit what she’d done. What’s the worst she could do? Turn her into a sock?

  But her mother bent down to pick something up.

  Paris felt a wave of relief, but it didn’t last long.

  ‘A map?’ Susan Silkensocks said, turning it around and holding it up to the moonlight.

  ‘No,’ Paris whimpered.

  ‘Ha! That silly mermaid must’ve left it!’ she said, pausing when she saw what was written on it. ‘THE CROCODILE KINGDOM?!’ she roared. ‘IT’S BEEN MY DREAM TO FIND THAT PLACE! Oh this is so much better than the Hidden Lagoon! I’ll go there – and they’ll never see me coming.’ She held up her weird shell box with the F on it and kissed it. ‘Arabella Cod thought she’d ruined my plan, but she’s just made it better.’

  Paris closed her eyes. ‘Gadget Queen,’ she whispered to herself. ‘This is a socktastrophe.’

  7

  Gronnyupple the Water Witch

  The strange mermaid floated in front of Beattie, Mimi and Zelda, shoving seahorse-shaped sweets into her mouth.

  ‘Seahorse Surprise?’ she mumbled through a mouthful, holding the sachet under Zelda’s nose.

  Zelda slowly took a sweet and popped it in her mouth, not taking her eyes off the strange mermaid.

  ‘The name’s Gronnyupple,’ the mermaid said, leaning forward to bow and spilling Seahorse Surprise sweets everywhere. She began swatting about her head in an attempt to grab them.

  Steve was scooped up into Gronnyupple’s fist before he could say anything but Beattie was too intrigued by the mermaid to notice. She was almost certainly their age, and quite odd.

  ‘Interesting name,’ Zelda said with a smirk.

  ‘It’s a family name,’ Gronnyupple said defensively.

  ‘How did you get the false teeth?’ Beattie asked. She stared over at the crumbling Merry Mary and thought of Hilma. ‘You didn’t find them on a ship, did you?’

  ‘Nope,’ Gronnyupple said, handing Beattie the empty sachet.

  FINDING FLOOP – like gloop,

  but it finds things. Guaranteed to

  transport small items

  short distances.

  Beattie looked from the sachet to the mermaid and back again. ‘Floop?’ she said in disbelief.

  ‘So you made the false teeth appear with some weird gloop?’ Zelda asked, sounding unconvinced.

  ‘Yes, a simple sachet spell I bought from the catalogue. Do you use the catalogue for magic?’ Gronnyupple asked, turning to Beattie.

  ‘Pardon?’ Beattie said. ‘Magic?’

  ‘Well, you’re a water witch, I’d know that smell anywhere, so you must use the catalogue,’ she said, swimming closer to Beattie’s hair and sniffing.

  Beattie began to edge away.

  ‘Water-witch hair smells like burned Icetipple, but with overtones of power and just a hint of seaweed.’

  ‘All right,’ Zelda said, ushering the other two away from Gronnyupple. ‘Time for us to go.’

  ‘No, don’t panic!’ Gronnyupple said, leaning in closer. ‘I’m one of you.’

  ‘And what are we?’ Zelda asked.

  ‘Water witches,’ Gronnyupple said, shoving some Seahorse Surprise back in the packet and scrunching it closed with her fist. No one noticed that Steve was inside, headbutting the packet to get out.

  ‘I think we’d know if we were water witches,’ Zelda said.

  ‘You don’t have to worry about telling me.’ Gronnyupple lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘I’m. One. Too.’

  Zelda scrunched up her face. ‘It’s weird that we’re speaking the same language and yet I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.’

  ‘We’re just trying to get home,’ Beattie said.

  ‘But we don’t know how,’ Mimi added.

  ‘How did you get here?’ Gronnyupple asked, chewing loudly and burping.

  ‘Sunken ship,’ Beattie replied.

  ‘So sail it back.’

  ‘We didn’t exactly sail it. It sort of sailed us,’ Beattie explained. ‘I think it might’ve been its final voyage.’

  ‘Where are you trying to get home to?’ Gronnyupple asked.

  ‘The Hidden Lagoon,’ Mimi said as Zelda elbowed her in the ribs. She didn’t think it was wise to admit they were from somewhere the Crocodile Kingdom me
rmaids didn’t know about. Or perhaps they did know about the Hidden Lagoon. And perhaps they hated it.

  ‘Ow!’ Mimi cried. ‘Why did you do that?’

  ‘To get you to be quiet,’ Zelda whispered out of the corner of her mouth. ‘For all we know, they might be hostile to mermaids from foreign seas.’

  ‘But my ribs have nothing to do with me being quiet,’ Mimi said.

  Gronnyupple nodded. ‘Ah, I get it, that’s why you don’t think you’re magic. You’re from one of the weird places that doesn’t get the catalogue.’

  ‘Again with the catalogue!’ Zelda said.

  ‘You should come with me,’ Gronnyupple said, grabbing Beattie by the arm and trying to guide her away, but Beattie resisted.

  ‘I can help!’ Gronnyupple said cheerfully. She looked at Mimi. ‘She’s strange, isn’t she?’

  Mimi appeared to be having a conversation with a small fish.

  ‘Where do you want to take us?’ Zelda said.

  ‘To a secret place, where snaps meet,’ Gronnyupple replied, looking around to check no one was listening in. ‘I’m a snap – it’s what water witches in the Crocodile Kingdom are often called – snaps, water witches, magic monsters, there are lots of names for us. From there I can help you get home really easily. Come on, water witches stick together, and you’re going to need all the help you can get.’

  ‘Why?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘Haven’t you ever watched any mermaid films about water witches?’ Gronnyupple asked.

  ‘Nope,’ Beattie said.

  ‘Rule number one is that a water witch must always hide their powers.’

  ‘But I don’t have powers,’ Beattie insisted.

  Gronnyupple shoved a mouthful of Seahorse Surprise in her mouth and scrunched the bag closed again, sending Steve tumbling to the bottom. ‘In A Mermaid Called Moira, Moira has to rely on her best friend Wayne the seal to distract everyone while her face glows because of a spell she accidentally ate, when what she was supposed to do was sit on it.’

  Zelda and Beattie exchanged unconvinced looks.

  ‘Oh, and in Powerful Penny,’ she went on, ‘which is my personal favourite film, the bully at Penny’s school reveals she’s a water witch – and she doesn’t even get to go to the school dance because music makes her transform into a whale.’

  ‘We haven’t seen either of those films,’ Zelda said flatly.

  ‘But they sound magnificent!’ Mimi added.

  Beattie looked at the twins and widened her eyes.

  They huddled together.

  ‘What should we do?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘It’s not like we have options,’ Zelda whispered. ‘And apart from all the nonsense talk about a catalogue, and thinking she’s magic, she seems quite nice. Weird, but harmless. What have we got to lose? She did say she could get us home easily.’

  ‘Maybe she’ll let us watch some of those films,’ Mimi said.

  ‘Well, we could do with a friend who knows the place. But if we’re going to go with her, we need to get Hilma,’ Beattie said.

  ‘Do we have to?’ Zelda groaned. ‘She’s happy on the Merry Mary, and she’s pretty much evil – she’ll be fine.’

  Mimi shook her head. ‘No, Hilma is afraid of tiny things like toes. She’s like a teddy bear, really.’

  ‘An evil, evil teddy bear,’ Zelda said. ‘Please can we leave the evil, evil teddy bear on the ship?’

  ‘It’s not nice to call someone an evil teddy bear, Zelda,’ Beattie said.

  Zelda shrugged. ‘Technically, Mimi called her a teddy bear – I just added “evil, evil”.’

  Beattie rolled her eyes and turned to face Gronnyupple. ‘We’ll come with you,’ she said, looking guiltily towards the Merry Mary. ‘Just the three of us.’

  ‘Great,’ Gronnyupple said, picking up a bunch of packages with one hand and a Jellywich with the other. She shoved the Jellywich in her mouth. Beattie sneaked a glance at the labels on the parcels.

  For: Gronnyupple,

  To be collected from the Jellywich

  Stall, Eggport, The Crocodile Kingdom.

  If undelivered, please return to

  Maritza Mist

  ‘Who do you think Maritza Mist is?’ Beattie whispered to Zelda as they swam through the crowds.

  ‘Who knows,’ Zelda said with a shrug. ‘But I have a feeling we’re going to find out.’

  8

  Hilma, Five Minutes Earlier

  FIVE MINUTES EARLIER …

  Hilma waited for the false teeth to float past her before nervously making her way to the porthole to take a peep.

  She couldn’t see the others anywhere. But she could see a lot of excellent hats.

  ‘Maybe this place isn’t so bad,’ she mumbled, before shooting through the porthole to get a better look.

  ‘Hello there,’ came a voice. Five tiny mermaids, in five horrible brown caps, floated in front of her.

  ‘Oh,’ Hilma said, relaxing a little. ‘It’s not so scary out here. You’re just kids.’

  ‘Did you see a mercat swim past?’ one of them asked. ‘We’ve lost one.’

  One of the others thrust a little seaweed basket under Hilma’s nose.

  ‘Is that a clump of mercats?’ she said, lifting up a tiny one with a glittering yellow tail and a deafening purr. ‘I thought they were a myth.’

  ‘Can you help us find our missing mercat? We’re visiting from Beluga Town and we can’t go back on our sunken ship without it. Usually we have one each, but now Conrad doesn’t have one.’

  Conrad’s lower lip began to tremble.

  Hilma rolled her eyes. ‘Why should I care?’ she said coldly.

  ‘We’ll pay you!’ one of them shouted, waving a fat bag of sharpits.

  ‘How old are you?’ Hilma said, swimming closer to inspect the bag.

  ‘We are all five years old,’ the one with the basket said proudly. ‘I think … I’m not very good at counting.’

  Hilma stared at the bag of sharpits. Her stomach grumbled. She looked from the little mermaids, to the sharpits, to the stalls of delicious food. The last thing she wanted to do was hang out with tiny kids in horrible hats, but she was very hungry. And they had a lot of money.

  ‘Fine,’ she said, taking the horrible brown cap off Conrad’s head. ‘Let’s find this mercat of yours. We’ll retrace your swims. Where were you last?’

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  IMMORTALITY PASTE – SOLD OUT

  A special formula brewed in the cold

  cauldrons of Frostopia, this rare tail paste will

  make you immortal. Perfect for those who want

  to live forever. Only two tiny tubes of these

  special pastes have been produced.

  INSTRUCTIONS: Spread the paste evenly

  over your entire tail. This should stop the

  ageing process – whatever age you are when

  you put the paste on your tail will be the age

  you remain forever.

  WARNING: This magic falls under the Water Witch

  Council’s MEGA MAGIC category and water witches

  must be eighteen years and over to use this paste.

  9

  Paris Sets Sail

  Paris didn’t waste a single sockond. As soon as her mother was out of view she raced off to her ice-cream stall. If Susan Silkensocks was going to invade the Crocodile Kingdom, it was all her fault and she needed to warn them.

  ‘Why didn’t you notice you’d dropped the map?’ Paris cursed herself as she hit the secret button on the ice-cream cone and slid down to her den.

  The crab was in there, sitting on the table. He snapped his pincers, as if to say, Don’t do it.

  ‘I need to go to this spot right here,’ she said, pointing at the screen where the Beattie, Mimi and Zelda dots were floating. ‘Before my mother arrives and digs it all up for Mermaid World.’

  The crab snapped his pincers again and looked as concerned as a crab ca
n look.

  ‘Maybe it’s not the Crocodile Kingdom and I’ve made a mistake, but my mermaids are swimming at that very spot, and who knows what will happen if my fishnapping mother gets to them first. I must warn them!’

  The crab lowered his pincers.

  Paris sat on her chair and adjusted her shell headphones. With a shaky hand she punched a giant shell button on the control panel and then tucked her knees up under her chin and waited.

  ‘This might not work,’ she said to the crab, who seemed to be trying, with some difficulty, to retreat into his shell.

  There was a strange squeaking noise, followed by a bit of a rumble, and then with a single efficient crunch the whole den dropped, pulling the ice-cream stall through the pier and into the water.

  Paris grabbed the control stick and steered it out to sea.

  The little crab clung on to the control panel for dear life.

  ‘I DID IT!’ Paris roared. She leaned back in her chair. ‘Gadget Queen did it!’

  From land, all that could be seen was a little ice-cream hut sailing fast out to sea.

  ‘We’ll be there in sockonds!’ she said with a smile as the crab covered his eyes.

  THE SQUEAKER

  The Crocodile Kingdom’s favourite daily read

  CHOPS & SLINKY ARE BACK!

  The Crocodile Kingdom’s cult cartoon is back, with a new series that’s set to charm more mermaids than ever before! For those who have been hiding under a rock, Chops & Slinky are an unforgettable crocodile and eel detective duo. The Squeaker loves Chops the crocodile because she wears fuchsia lipstick and is fabulous, and her assistant Slinky sports a gold-fringed waistcoat!

  We floated on over for a chat with Ruby Pinch, the creator of Chops & Slinky, at her magnificent home in Saltmont.

  The Squeaker: Ruby Pinch, what can we expect from this new series of Chops & Slinky?

  Ruby Pinch: A lot of Chops and a lot of Slinky! In this series they face probably their most formidable nemesis – a sunken chicken called Sylvester.

  The Squeaker: How did you come up with the idea for Chops & Slinky?

  Ruby Pinch: I used to live near Eggport and there was always a crocodile that swam around with an eel. One day, I left a bag of shopping outside, then the next thing I knew the crocodile was wearing my new lipstick! And the eel had taken my new gold waistcoat! I rolled back on my tail and thought, now that right there would make an excellent cartoon.