Bad Mermaids Read online

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  CHOMPTASTIC LIFESTYLE:

  Our guide on how to lead your best mermaid life.

  1. NEW HOLIDAY DESTINATIONS – Pinkly Lagoon is the new holiday hot spot you don’t want to miss. Situated in Upper Realm 9, or what humans call the Mediterranean Sea, Pinkly Lagoon has recently revamped Lazy Bay with human-style lilos that allow you to laze above the waves while keeping out of human sight. Plus, it’s only a tail flick from the lagoon’s infamous Vampire Rocks, where you’ll find the legendary Leech Spa.

  WARNING: Small numbers of human boats have been spotted in the area. Mermaids are advised to take precautions and consider practising looking like a dolphin.

  WHAT TO READ: F. Ishy’s latest book is bound in the finest seaweed and tells the story of Wanda Wetley, a teenage mermaid prone to disasters. An uplifting tale of momentous mermaid mishaps, it boasts a positive message about embracing imperfection, never giving up, and knowing that we are all flawed and fintastic.

  10

  The Chomp

  At the end of Eggport’s long stretch of dock there was a rock wall with a large cavernous entrance. THE CHOMP was scrawled on a rusty sign hanging above it.

  The four of them (and Steve in the Seahorse Surprise bag) floated on the spot, watching as mermaid after mermaid filed into the cave.

  ‘HURRY UP,’ a mermaid shouted over them to her friends behind. ‘THE NIBBLEHOLLOW TRAIN LEAVES IN TWO MINUTES!’

  ‘The Chomp is a train?’ Beattie asked.

  Gronnyupple grinned. ‘It’s a whole underground network of trains, run by a bunch of crocodiles.’

  ‘Humans have something similar,’ Beattie said. ‘Only without the crocodiles.’

  Gronnyupple spat out some Seahorse Surprise. ‘Don’t say the H-word.’

  ‘You mean “human”?’ Zelda said.

  Gronnyupple covered her ears as they followed the crowds inside. ‘Lalalalalalala horrible word lalalalalala!’

  ‘Jiggling jellyfish on sticks,’ Mimi whispered.

  Beattie and Zelda stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the place.

  Past the uninviting entrance was a grand hall crammed full of mermaids, sipping cups of takeaway foam shakes, reading seaweed papers and dashing for trains. A couple of mermaids floated next to them, complaining about there being too many tourists in a place called Emerald Cove.

  ‘This is INCREDIBLE!’ Zelda shouted, her voice echoing off the glistening green walls.

  At the far end of the vast cave, a line of crocodiles lay side by side in a long row. Every so often a green light would flash above one of them, their mouth would open and inside would be a sign, saying things like:

  NORTHBOUND TO NIBBLEHOLLOW,

  LEAVING NOW. PLATFORM 11.

  SOUTHBOUND TO JELLYHOOD,

  LEAVING NOW, PLATFORM 4.

  ‘Which platform do we need?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘And how do we buy a token to get on the train?’ Mimi said.

  Beattie spun round. ‘Token?’

  Mimi nodded and pointed at a poster.

  NO TOKEN, NO CHOMP.

  Two sharpits per token.

  ‘Sharpits?!’ Beattie cried. ‘I don’t even know what that is.’

  ‘It’s money,’ Gronnyupple said, opening her hand to reveal a couple of little metal bits shaped like triangles. ‘You put two in that treasure chest over there, and then you get a token to ride. But I don’t have enough for everyone. Are you sure you don’t have any?’

  Beattie shook her head.

  ‘I have an idea,’ Mimi said, swimming off towards the treasure chest. Gronnyupple followed her.

  ‘Wait,’ Zelda said. ‘Mimi, how did you buy that Jellywich you were eating earlier?’

  Beattie watched as Mimi casually swam over to a group of mermaids chatting by the treasure chest. They all had takeaway foam shakes in their hands.

  ‘Oh no,’ Zelda said slowly. ‘I know what she’s going to do.’

  ‘How?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘We’re twins,’ Zelda said. ‘Plus I can see her flexing her little finger. She’s going to fin-fu something.’

  Quicker than Beattie could say ‘oh cod’, the takeaway foam shakes were knocked from the hands of the mermaids by something incredibly fast and Mimi-shaped. The foam frothed out, creating a cloud around the treasure chest.

  ‘WHO DID THAT?’ one of the mermaids roared.

  ‘MY HAIR IS SOAKED!’ another screamed. ‘IN FOAM!’

  As the cloud began to clear, Beattie caught a flash of Mimi grabbing a handful of coins from the treasure chest. ‘Three tokens please,’ she said, dropping the sharpits into the treasure chest. The pufferfish in charge spat the tokens at her and she swam back over.

  ‘I left my fin-fu necklace in the treasure chest,’ she said, placing a token in their hands. ‘To make up for the sharpits I took.’

  ‘But that’s your favourite necklace!’ Zelda cried.

  ‘Otherwise it would be stealing,’ Mimi said.

  A crocodile opened its mouth to reveal SALTMONT, PLATFORM 5.

  ‘THAT’S US!’ Gronnyupple shouted, licking some foam shake off her hair.

  The tunnel to platform five was dark, with faulty green lights that flickered as the mermaids swam past. Crowds swarmed the tunnels, all racing to get to the Chomp train.

  Posters lined the walls.

  Don’t miss The Five Flops of Wanda Wetley,

  the latest bestselling novel by F. Ishy.

  ‘SHOCKEY!’ Zelda exclaimed when she saw the next poster. Shockey was Zelda’s favourite sport in the Hidden Lagoon.

  ‘I can’t believe they have it in the Crocodile Kingdom too!’

  The poster showed two teams, the Jellyhood Jocks and the Saltmont Slammers battling it out. The Jellyhood Jocks were riding side-saddle on a cluster of jellyfish and the Saltmont Slammers rode crocodiles with gold-painted claws and jaws.

  ‘We’d definitely beat the Lobstertown Loons if we were allowed to ride on crocodiles. Maybe I’ll bring one back.’

  ‘Come on, Zelda,’ Beattie said, pulling her further down the tunnel.

  The platform was crammed to bursting with mermaids waiting patiently. There was no sign of the train, and a mermaid next to them was reading a seaweed magazine.

  ‘Their magazine is called the Squeaker,’ Beattie whispered, trying to catch a glimpse of what was in it.

  There was a rumble. A series of snapping sounds. And before they could blink the Chomp lurched into view.

  The whole thing was covered in gorgeous green shells, and as Beattie got closer to the edge of the platform she saw that each carriage was sitting on top of a crocodile.

  ‘Wow,’ Beattie mouthed as a mermaid shoved her head first into the carriage, where her nose got wedged in another mermaid’s armpit.

  ‘Oh wow,’ Zelda said as she squashed in next to Beattie. ‘It’s more incredible than toast!’

  ‘Tourists,’ Gronnyupple said with a nervous laugh to the mermaid next to her. ‘It’s like they’ve never ridden a Chomp before.’

  The shell-covered doors closed and the Chomp began to move. Beattie peered out of the large oyster shell-shaped windows and could just make out the crocodile legs moving beneath them.

  ‘This is so cool,’ Zelda whispered, nodding at an elderly mermaid who was swimming slowly above their heads, guided by an equally elderly-looking sea cucumber.

  The long bench-like seats on either side of the carriage were completely full, so Beattie, Zelda and Mimi held on to plaited seaweed ropes, swinging back and forth as the carriage clattered on through the dark rock tunnel.

  The posters lining the walls of the carriage were all alike – mermaids posing with pufferfish, wearing different colours of lipstick and eyeshadow. Each poster had the word ‘FLUBIÉRE’ on it.

  ‘What’s Flubiére?’ Beattie asked, just as a mermaid in a Flubiére T-shirt appeared, accompanied by some lipstick-wearing pufferfish.

  An intercom crackled.

  ‘Welcome aboard the C
homp. Make-up brand Flubiére will be advertising its new colour palettes in selected carriages today. Please don’t be alarmed by the promotional pufferfish. Thank you.’

  One of the pufferfish began combing a teenage mermaid’s eyebrows with its tail. Another floated in front of Gronnyupple’s face, its lips glowing bright purple. She stared at it for a moment then tapped the lips, changing them to coral pink. She tapped again, changing them to a dark plum colour.

  Beattie couldn’t believe her eyes.

  ‘Did you see that?’ she whispered to the twins.

  Gronnyupple nodded at the dark plum colour and the fish lunged at her. Beattie thought the fish was going to eat her nose, but instead it kissed her lips, transferring the deep plum colour on to hers. She inspected herself in a mirror and nodded. The mermaid wearing the Flubiére T-shirt approached carrying a bubble, and inside was a little shell filled with the plum lip gloss. Gronnyupple handed over two sharpits, burst the bubble and stuffed the lip gloss in her bag.

  Although most of the mermaids in the carriage had crocodile-patterned tails, one – with a scaled tail like Beattie, Mimi and Zelda – was sitting on a bench, his eyes glued to a flipped-open shell. Inside, it looked like two tiny fish were weaving through a coral maze.

  ‘It looks like a game,’ Zelda said, noticing what Beattie was looking at.

  ‘It’s called Flippit,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘I tried to play it once but my fish wouldn’t move.’

  ‘Were they dead?’ Zelda asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘I didn’t ask them.’

  A stingray rose from the floor of the carriage and pointed its tail at Beattie.

  ‘AAAARGH!’ Beattie screamed. Steve also screamed from inside the Seahorse Surprise bag, but it was muffled so nobody noticed him.

  Mimi casually held out her Chomp token. The stingray zapped it.

  ‘It’s checking the tokens,’ Mimi said. ‘I read about it on the Chomp poster.’

  ‘This is bewildering,’ Zelda said. ‘I’m like a cat on an ice cream in this place!’

  ‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ Beattie said. She looked up and saw a map of the Chomp route. The train line forked, splitting into two long lines that reminded her of open crocodile jaws. ‘Eggport, Nibblehollow, Lava,’ Beattie whispered, reading all the stops. ‘Jellyhood, Emerald Cove.’ She stopped at the one right before the line forked. ‘Saltmont city.’ A green light came on next to it.

  ‘We will shortly be arriving in Saltmont. Saltmont next stop,’ the intercom boomed.

  ‘Time to go, Doris,’ the old mermaid wheezed at her sea cucumber. It was getting a makeover from one of the pufferfish. ‘You look very pretty.’

  The Chomp ground to a halt and the sea cucumber floated slowly past them and out of the door.

  ‘We’ve reached our destination!’ Gronnyupple shouted. She turned to Beattie and whispered, ‘No magic until we’re safely hidden in the secret meeting place.’ She winked.

  ‘I don’t even know how to do magic,’ Beattie groaned.

  Saltmont Chomp station was ten times the size of Eggport, and the mermaids that swam around it were a lot trendier, with long waistcoats and short crop tops, bejewelled clutch bags and shell backpacks, perfectly straight hair and fishtail pleats. A lot of them had crocodile-print tails, but there was a great variety of others too – rainbow tails and bright red ones, the occasional eel-shaped one and even a translucent one.

  Beattie smiled. ‘Saltmont must be one of the biggest mermaid cities in the world!’

  There was a deafening crunching sound behind them.

  ‘DIVE!’ Gronnyupple screamed, pushing them aside just as a wayward Chomp train came crashing through the wall and skidded to a halt in the middle of the station.

  Beattie steadied herself and dusted down her tail. ‘Is it meant to do that?!’

  Gronnyupple frowned. ‘No. It’s never done that before.’

  Mermaids floated around it in silent shock.

  ‘Something strange is going on,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘This isn’t the first unusual thing that’s happened.’

  Beattie watched as a tiny crab scuttled across the floor and out of the station.

  ‘Where’s your secret meeting place?’ Zelda said, helping them all outside.

  Gronnyupple grinned at the mention of it. ‘It’s a two-minute swim. Or a five-hour one if I get lost again.’

  FUNNY LUMPY COMES TO THE CROCODILE KINGDOM (for five nights only)

  Wendelle Water from Beluga Town is currently in the Kingdom staging her latest play, which has been touring around other mermaid regions – including our friends in Octopolli and Pinkly Lagoon.

  It’s set in a Shrimpol station, and for any of you who haven’t visited Beluga Town, a Shrimpol station is a lot like a kelp fuel or human petrol station.

  When a beluga whale called Lumpy begins work at the local Shrimpol station he thinks he’s just going to be filling up the other whales with Shrimpol so they can pull sleighs. Then he realises he can speak to the mermaids riding the sleighs, and that he is quite the comedian!

  ‘It’s basically a comedy show about a beluga whale who works at a Shrimpol station,’ Wendelle Water explained.

  Beluga Town’s very own Shrimpol station owner, and friendliest face, Moira Wet, inspired the play.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure it’s not inspired by me. I just fill up the Shrimpol tanks and do my bit for Beluga Town!’ Moira Wet said chirpily.

  When asked what she thought was Lumpy’s funniest line, Wendelle Water smiled and simply said, ‘You’ll have to see it and decide for yourself.’

  Funny Lumpy is showing at Saltmont’s Greenlilly Theatre NOW. Don’t miss it!

  11

  Hilma Sees a Play

  Hilma floated at the back of the theatre, sipping a foam shake.

  The seaweed curtain rose and a mermaid dressed in a fake beluga whale costume flopped on to the stage and began singing about being both funny and lumpy.

  ‘We have lots of beluga whales in Beluga Town,’ Conrad the tiny mermaid said as he began to count them all on his fingers, ‘one, two, three, four, three.’

  ‘I don’t see any mercats in here,’ Hilma said, floating towards the stage. ‘EXCUSE ME, OI! FUNNY LUMPY! YES, YOU! STOP SINGING. HAVE YOU SEEN A MERCAT?’

  FIVE SECONDS LATER …

  ‘Well, they’ll throw you out of the theatre for anything these days, won’t they!’ Hilma spat, slapping letters off the sign so it now read UNNY UMPY. ‘The mercat wasn’t there, so where were you before you went to see Funny Lumpy?’

  12

  Paris and the Seagull

  Paris sat on the edge of the ice-cream stall, staring out to sea. A fat fish popped its head out of the water.

  ‘Before you ask,’ Paris said, blowing stray hair out of her face, ‘I’m on my way to warn some mermaids about my mother. It sounds weird, I know. And no, I have not brushed my teeth today. I really should’ve brought my toothbrush with me, but I left in a hurry and forgot it. Do fish brush their teeth? I think I might’ve been at sea too long.’

  The fish blinked at her for a second, then launched out of the water and straight over the stall, grabbing one of the ice-cream cones as it went.

  ‘Well, that was rude,’ Paris said.

  There was a swishing sound. Paris leaned nervously over the edge and saw a hundred other fat fish faces poking out of the water.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ she said as they all leapt for the ice-cream cones.

  13

  Paris and the Sharks

  Paris tipped the last of the multicoloured sprinkles into her mouth and dropped the tub at her feet.

  ‘I’d better get there soon, or I’ll starve,’ she said to the crab.

  The water was getting choppier.

  ‘And I think a storm is brewing,’ she called up to the crab as she descended to her den.

  The mermaid tracker was still blinking – but Beattie, Mimi and Zelda had moved a bit further west. If they were in the Crocodile Kin
gdom, it was obviously very big.

  Paris looked up slowly from the control panel. She was sure she’d seen a flash of grey tail.

  ‘A mermaid?’ she said excitedly.

  The den was rocking violently from side to side now, and the water was so murky she could barely see anything. A couple of gadgets fizzed and flickered. The string of sock bunting on the Susan Cam pinged off, sending socks flying about the den. Paris tried to steady herself but fell forwards, headbutting the glass wall. And then she saw it. A huge great white shark floating in the murky water.

  She shot back up to top deck and peered over the edge. The great white wasn’t alone – at least twenty shark fins were circling the ice-cream hut.

  ‘WHY DOES EVERYTHING LIKE ICE CREAM?’ Paris shouted at the sky. She turned to look at the water. ‘I DON’T HAVE ANY ICE CREAM LEFT, I WAS ROBBED BY FISH! NO FOOD HERE!’

  She stopped, and gulped.

  Maybe there was still food on the stall …

  The waves rose up high and came crashing down.

  ‘NOBODY PANIC!’ Paris yelled as the crab scuttled on to her head and tried to burrow under her hair. The stall tipped sideways, taking on a lot of water. It began to sink.

  Paris grabbed her backpack and held on tightly to her tiny mermaid compass.

  Another, bigger wave crashed down, sending Paris flying. She clung on to the edge of the stall, her legs dangling over the side.

  An alarm sounded.

  ‘Susan Cam?’ she spluttered. ‘But she can’t be here! Not ye–’

  Another impressive wave shattered what was left of the ice-cream stall, sending Paris spiralling down into the dark, shark-infested waters below …