Witch Glitch Read online

  An old witch poked her head out into the hallway and shouted, ‘HELLO, CATS!’

  ‘A rainbow skeleton is a symbol of advanced dancing,’ Lucy Tatty said, as she trotted down the corridor. ‘Only exceptionally talented witches are chosen to attend Rainbow Bones, the most respected Sinkville dance group! You need to be at least one hundred. It’s the minimum age. A lot of the witches here are over four hundred years old, and excellent at high kicks.’

  Tiga laughed as Lucy Tatty held a finger to her lips. ‘They’re in here, but they might be practising.’

  They were practising. A line of ancient witches all charging from left to right on a stage, doing high kicks so fast their legs were just swipes of colour staining the air.

  ‘AH, IT’S MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND A STRANGER,’ a beautiful old woman with glossy hair down to her knees squealed, leg-kicking her way over to them, completely disrupting the routine.

  Tiga felt her cheeks stinging as all the witches stared at her – a mix of curiosity and anger. How dare these young witches interrupt them?!

  ‘That’s my gran,’ Lucy Tatty whispered, and the witch stopped kicking in front of them.

  ‘Granny! Look, I’ve got a new friend. This is Tiga,’ Lucy said, squeezing Tiga’s arm. ‘FROM WITCH WARS.’

  Tiga was distracted by another old witch shyly leg-kicking her way past them. Her hair was tied up in two loose buns on either side of her head.

  ‘Is she your friend?’ Tiga asked Gloria Tatty, who was watching the old witch leg-kick her way out of the room.

  ‘Who? Her? No … I don’t have any friends,’ Gloria Tatty said.

  ‘Not one?’ Lucy Tatty asked.

  ‘Well, I have one. But he lives far, far away.’

  ‘I’m glad Tiga doesn’t live far, far away,’ Lucy Tatty prattled on. ‘Because now I can ask her questions about her, her life and Witch Wars ALL THE TIME! Because I am Tiga’s number one fan.’

  Tiga smiled weakly.

  Gloria Tatty blinked at them. ‘Tea?’ she finally asked. Tiga nodded eagerly as Gloria Tatty ushered them to the corner of the room, where there was a rickety old table with just the right amount of cups and saucers.

  Tiga stared at Gloria Tatty, trying to figure her out. She looked more stern than in her photo. More serious. Certainly more serious than you’d imagine the witch who wrote a story about a girl eating a broom would be. Her head was tilted slightly to the side, like an inquisitive dog, but with piercing eyes that displayed all the calculation and cunning of a cat. She was pleasant enough, but Tiga could sense she was nervous, like she knew what they had come to speak to her about.

  ‘Gran,’ Lucy said, wasting no time. ‘We found this.’ She pointed at Tiga, and on cue, Tiga plonked The Karens down on the table.

  Gloria Tatty remained stiff in her seat and stared at it.

  ‘It keeps updating,’ Tiga explained. ‘It shows Fran the fairy in it and a letter addressed to me fell from it, inviting me to visit The Karens.’

  Gloria Tatty lifted it in the air. Tiga could see her hands were shaking slightly. She sniffed the book, her eyes closed.

  ‘Is the book special?’ Tiga asked.

  ‘You’re special,’ Lucy Tatty oozed, punching Tiga’s arm.

  Tiga watched as Gloria Tatty placed it back on the table and nudged its edge, adjusting it so it was sitting perfectly square. ‘Never seen that book my life,’ she lied.

  ‘It does say you wrote it,’ Tiga pointed out.

  Gloria Tatty shrugged and slid it off the table, tucking it under her arm. ‘I’m keeping it.’

  ‘No,’ Tiga said, trying to grab it.

  ‘GET OFF!’ Gloria Tatty shouted, as Tiga snatched the book and charged down the corridor.

  ‘Wait, Tiga!’ Lucy Tatty cried.

  She looked back. Behind a galloping Lucy was Gloria Tatty, staring at Tiga. ‘YOU MUST NOT TRUST THE BOOK!’ came the echo of Gloria Tatty’s shrill scream, following Tiga down the stairs and out of the door. ‘PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT, TIGA. IT’S DANGEROUS!’

  18

  Massive Face, Part 2

  ‘Crispy …’ Felicity Bat said, levitating outside Linden House. ‘What are you doing?’

  Crispy slopped paint across the front of Linden House. ‘Finished!’ she said as she flew back a bit to admire her handiwork. There, smack bang on the Linden House building, was a giant picture of Fran’s face. ‘This is even BETTER than the front page of the Ritzy City Post,’ she said, rubbing her hands together with glee.

  ‘Did you get permission from Peggy to do this, Crispy?’ Felicity Bat asked, as Crispy scrawled MISSING across Fran’s forehead.

  ‘Nope,’ Crispy said.

  Peggy tripped and fell out of the doorway. ‘Oh, hello, Crispy! What’s going on out here?’

  She spotted the giant sloppy Fran face painted on the front of the building.

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘She said she didn’t get permission from you,’ Felicity Bat said, smirking at Crispy.

  Peggy stood for a moment taking it in. ‘You know, Crispy –’

  ‘Pun-ish her,’ Felicity Bat said in an excited whisper.

  ‘You know, Crispy,’ Peggy started again, shooting Felicity Bat a look. ‘I think it’s … SPECTACULAR! Well done.’

  ‘Spectacular,’ Crispy mouthed at Felicity Bat, flashing her a wonky, smug grin.

  19

  Uh-Oh …

  ‘Why did you do that?’ Lucy Tatty panted as she caught up with Tiga. ‘Because you’re amazing and you have a plan, I’m sure, but I have to ask.’

  Tiga opened the book again to reassure herself that she wasn’t going insane. The big princess in the jelly castle was unmistakably Fran, just a bigger version. She sighed, closed the book and handed it to Lucy.

  There’s only one thing left to do, she thought, taking the piece of paper out of her pocket. She ran a finger over the last paragraph.

  VISIT THE KARENS! Take the Sinkville Express to the Badlands and follow signs for:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard –

  access via Entrance C.

  No hot water bottles, thank you.

  She folded it up and stashed it back in her pocket.

  ‘What are we doing now, Tigamazing?’ Lucy asked. ‘That’s my new name for you, by the way.’

  ‘I’ve got to find out what’s happened to Fran, Lucy. I’m going to the Badlands.’

  Before Tiga knew what she was doing, she and Lucy were on the Sinkville Express heading straight for the Badlands. Even if the whole thing turned out to be some sort of elaborate joke and she was about to make a complete fool of herself, Tiga still wanted to know Fran was safe. Now all she had to do was convince Lucy to get off at Silver City without her.

  ‘Next stop, Silver City!’

  Tiga turned to Lucy and smiled. ‘I know, let’s race home.’

  ‘AMAZING IDEA, TIGAMAZING!’

  (Five minutes later.)

  ‘No, you get out of the carriage first.’

  ‘No, Lucy, you first.’

  ‘But you were in Witch Wars, I insist you go first.’

  Tiga tried to push Lucy out of the carriage, but the train began to move.

  ‘Next stop, THE BADLANDS.’

  ‘Great,’ Tiga groaned as the train trundled out of Silver City station.

  ‘Oh no,’ Lucy Tatty said. ‘We missed our stop!’ She reached into her bag and pulled out a little book. ‘Do you want to do some drawing? I just got this new Witch Wars activity book. It’s called Draw Awful Clothes on Aggie Hoof, for Fun.’

  ‘Lucy!’ Tiga cried, taking the book and tossing it over the edge of the carriage. ‘I was planning to go to the Badlands. Now you’ll have to come with me.’

  Lucy Tatty thought for a moment. ‘AN ADVENTURE! Although, whoa, it will be a scary one because no one knows what’s in the Badlands. But you’re a hero so I feel completely safe.’ She nuzzled into Tiga’s arm.

  ‘What?’ Tiga cried. ‘No one knows what’s in
the Badlands?’

  ‘No one really talks about the Badlands,’ Lucy said cheerily. ‘At school they teach us that the Badlands in the olden days was the stronghold of terrible witches, a place of strange beasts and unimaginable spells. If you look at any map of Sinkville, it just shows a vast expanse of land and a little witch shrugging in the middle of it.’

  Tiga pulled the Karens’ letter from her pocket. ‘I wonder why this letter gives an address in the Badlands …’

  ‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ Lucy Tatty said, rummaging around in her backpack. ‘That reminds me. This floated into my hand outside Clutterbucks.’

  DO YOU WISH YOU WERE TIGA OR AT THE VERY LEAST SORT OF ATTACHED TO HER SIDE ALL THE TIME, FOR EVER?

  You saw our book – you know that

  WE CAN MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

  (not like a genie, we’re better than

  that rubbish).

  VISIT THE KARENS! Take the Sinkville Express to the Badlands and follow signs for:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard –

  ccess via Entrance C.

  No really hot soups, please.

  She looked adoringly at Tiga. ‘That would be my wish.’

  Tiga shifted uncomfortably in her seat. The carriage groaned and creaked. ‘So the Karens send these letters to lots of witches. Maybe they sent Fran a letter, too. Maybe you make a wish and then they trap you in the Jelly Castle. Maybe the Karens are awful Badlands witches …’

  ‘I don’t think they’d live in a jelly castle if they were awful …’ Lucy Tatty said as the train passed a tattered sign limply floating in the air: THE BADLANDS. ‘After all, jelly is delicious. I wonder if any of the others have received letters.’

  The wind was picking up and the Sinkville Express carriages rattled, their creaking joints whispering, USE ANOTHER MODE OF TRANSPORT, ANYTHING BUT US.

  And that’s when Tiga noticed the jam lining the far edge of the carriage. ‘Lucy,’ she said slowly, grabbing the side of the carriage as it groaned louder. ‘The jam … it’s the same carriage we were in on our way to Ritzy City. The one that fe–’

  The carriage gave a final groan and fell from the tracks.

  ‘I KNEW IT!’ Tiga screamed, as they spiralled down and down into the darkness below.

  20

  The Karens Underestimate

  Fluffanora

  Fluffanora was finishing up her Clutterbucks cocktail when a piece of paper floated on to the table.

  DO YOU WISH YOU COULD BEWITCH YOUR CAT, MRS PUMPKIN, SO SHE IS MASSIVE, WITH WINGS, AND THEN YOU COULD FLY ABOUT ON HER BACK?

  You saw our book – you know that

  WE CAN MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

  (not like a genie, we’re better than

  that rubbish).

  VISIT THE KARENS! Take the Sinkville Express to the Badlands and follow signs for:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard –

  access via Entrance C.

  No filled kettles, you hear.

  ‘Idiots,’ Fluffanora said, ripping the piece of paper into tiny pieces. ‘That’s what I wanted yesterday.’

  21

  But No One Goes to

  the Badlands …

  Tiga grabbed frantically at the darkness. ‘Lucy!’ she cried, her voice echoing in the foggy expanse.

  THUD!

  THUMP!

  Tiga landed on what felt like a sponge, and then Lucy fell on her head.

  She rubbed her eyes. Lucy Tatty was already back on her feet, running from left to right, screaming, ‘I’ve got a scrape! I’ve got a scrape!’

  As Tiga tried to calm her down, the carriage wobbled and floated back up to the track, reattaching itself before speeding off.

  Tiga waved her fists at it. ‘THANKS A LOT!’

  Lucy frantically felt around on the ground. ‘My backpack!’ she shouted. ‘I CAN’T FIND MY BACKPACK!’ Cradling her scraped arm, she darted off into the black abyss beyond.

  Tiga scrambled to her feet and chased after her. ‘Lucy! Stop! It might be dangerous!’

  A smog began to swirl around them, as if to say, OH, THIS IS DANGEROUS ALL RIGHT.

  22

  Special Effects

  ‘Karen, darling, that’s enough of the smog machine, it looks really eerie now,’ said Tall Karen, hitting the OFF button and shoving the contraption out of the way.

  ‘What do you think about ghost noises, darling, or random bird tweets?’ said Smog Machine Karen.

  ‘I think we are witches, not ghosts or birds, and you are taking this too far, darling.’

  Smog Machine Karen hung her head. ‘But witches aren’t scary, darling, ghosts are. Maybe some fairy ghosts at least? Would be quite a nice fit, given we got the fairy Fran. Freak them out a bit, darling? I know a spell for ghost fairies …’

  Tall Karen rubbed her forehead. ‘If you must,’ she said, faintly.

  23

  Who Switched the

  Smog Off?

  The smog vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared. Like someone had switched it off, Tiga thought…

  Onwards they went, their eyes adjusting to the darkness as they ventured further into the Badlands. Tiga spotted it first. Wobbling amongst the mountainous terrain and spindly smog-coated trees was a jelly castle with so many turrets and tiny windows it looked like you could squish every single witch in Sinkville inside it.

  Tiga looked at the little note the Karens had sent her. Access via Entrance C.

  She squeezed Lucy Tatty’s arm. ‘Ready?’

  Lucy Tatty shrugged. ‘I’m just following you, because I am –’

  ‘Your number one fan,’ Tiga said.

  ‘No,’ Lucy said. ‘I’m not wearing my contact lenses.’

  The bridge was made of jelly and peppered with gigantic jelly statues of witches in elaborate hats reclining and eating cakes.

  Tiga held up the book. ‘These must be the Karens, in jelly statue form,’ she said, showing Lucy the cover of the book. ‘See, they look the same.’

  ‘They don’t look scary …’ Lucy Tatty said, staring up at one that was dangling a French fancy over her gaping mouth. ‘I don’t think anyone who likes cakes can be terrible. You never see a baddie eating a chocolate eclair, do you?’

  The bridge wobbled as they walked but it was surprisingly sturdy, like walking on a reliable trampoline.

  ‘WHAT’S BACK THERE?’ Lucy Tatty cried, grabbing her arm.

  Tiga looked behind them. There was nothing but darkness.

  She put her arm around Lucy’s shoulder. ‘Nothing. Everything is fine.’

  Only it wasn’t fine. They were walking towards a jelly castle that contained a bunch of witches, all called Karen, who may or may not have turned Fran into a large princess thing.

  As the bridge curved, Tiga could see jiggling jelly walls flanking the castle, with perfectly pruned jelly hedges peeking over the top. Beneath the bridge a bubbling jelly moat slopped its way along, but Tiga had no idea where it went. She couldn’t see where the castle walls ended. They seemed to stretch for miles.

  The elaborate towers wobbled overhead as they got closer. Tiga couldn’t tell if the bridge had begun to shake more or if it was Lucy Tatty trembling under her arm.

  ‘Almost there …’ Tiga whispered.

  An ornate jelly gate up ahead opened, revealing a quivering wall of doors.

  ‘I bet we’ll just go in, eat some cake, make wishes and then go home and stay alive!’ Lucy Tatty rambled.

  24

  Fran’s Big Feet

  ‘Tiga! It’s me!’ Fran yelled from the highest jelly turret of them all. ‘IT’S YOUR FABULOUS FAIRY, TIGA!’

  But Tiga couldn’t hear her.

  ‘AREN’T I FABULOUS NOW! LOOK – WITCH-SIZED FEET AND SHOES TO MATCH!’ She kicked the jelly turret, sending a clump of the stuff soaring down to Lucy, who spotted it and gulped, keeping her eyes firmly fixed on it.

  ‘WITCH WARS SUPERFAN!’ Fran cried, pointing a finger at Lucy. ‘
THAT WAS ME!’

  But Lucy couldn’t hear her.

  A slender arm reached out from a hatch in the door and unfurled a spindly finger. ‘Come in, darlings.’

  Fran peered as far over the edge of the turret window as she could manage before her vertigo set in. ‘TIGA! LUCY! THAT’S THE WRONG WAY!’

  But it was too late; they were already inside.

  25

  Inside That Jelly Castle

  ‘Quickly, quickly inside, no dilly-dallying,’ said a witch clad in a dress that looked a lot like a blacktrifle, her perfectly round face resembling a nice little cherry on the top.

  Tiga reluctantly obeyed. The witch snatched the piece of paper out of her hand.

  ‘Ah, you’re here for wishes. KAAAARRRREEEEN!’ she roared.

  ‘Are … are … you not Karen?’ Lucy Tatty stammered.

  ‘Oh, we’re all Karens, darling,’ she said, bending down and adding in a whisper, ‘But some of us are much better than others.’

  A nervous-looking witch in an equally elaborate but altogether different outfit came clattering through the door. Her dress was completely plain and slim fitting until it got to the shoulders, where the fabric ballooned in huge theatrical lumps.

  ‘INVADERS!’ she roared when she spotted the witches. Lucy dived behind Tiga and hid her face.

  ‘No, no, you balloon,’ Trifle Karen snapped. ‘They are wishers.’