Witch Glitch Read online

  ‘TIIIIIGA! It’s you. Everyone as you were! Nothing to see here!’ She stretched out a hand and pulled Tiga from the ramshackle mess of spilled jam and stall walls. ‘You can break my stall anytime, you hear! Anytime.’

  Tiga gave her a big hug. Lucy got to her feet and dusted herself down. One of Mavis’s cats growled at her.

  ‘This is Lucy,’ Tiga said.

  ‘YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE THE CARRIAGES!’ the woman in the train-patterned skirt yelled down to them as the carriage floated back up and reattached itself to the track.

  ‘TIGA! IT’S TIGA!’ came a familiar cry. Peggy collided with Tiga, knocking her to the ground. ‘I was going to collect you from the station. Why did you arrive … on Mavis’s jam stall?’

  ‘It’s you!’ Fluffanora squealed, piling on top of them. ‘Tiga! You’re back!’

  Mrs Brew, who was practically in tears at the sight of her, came racing over. She lifted Tiga to her feet and twirled her round and round. ‘What do you think of Silver City? Are you having a wonderful ti–’

  She stopped and looked from Tiga to Mavis’s stall and back again. ‘Did you try to levitate here and crash-land? I told you girls to encourage Tiga to get the train.’

  ‘I did get the train,’ Tiga explained, as Mavis nodded solemnly. ‘It fell off the track.’

  ‘Well, that’s worrying,’ Peggy mumbled.

  Fluffanora patted her on the back. ‘You just love falling on that stall roof, don’t you, Tiga …’

  ‘I’m Lucy Tatty,’ the little witch said, jumping between them and staring up at Peggy like she was inspecting a rare beast. ‘You look less messy in real life! I wanted Tiga to win Witch Wars. How many spells can you do now? Do you still use Flappy Flora’s Floral Foot Cream?’

  ‘She’s just watched Witch Wars,’ Tiga whispered apologetically.

  ‘Is she wearing your Witch Wars outfit?’ Fluffanora asked quietly.

  Tiga nodded. ‘Made it herself.’

  ‘It’s lovely to meet you, Lucy Tatty,’ Peggy said sweetly, as Lucy thrust a shrunken head in her face.

  ‘I haven’t seen something like that since Witch Wars!’ Peggy laughed.

  ‘I made it out of soggy old cat hair and paper, can you sign it? Thank you,’ Lucy said, as Fluffanora gagged behind her.

  She swivelled to face Fluffanora. ‘And I know almost nothing about you, because you were knocked out of Witch Wars early, but Tiga said you would like to know that my gran wrote Melissa’s Broken Broom.’

  ‘Wait, your gran is Gloria Tatty?!’

  Lucy nodded and handed Fluffanora the book. ‘We found this unfinished book by her. Tiga said you’d want to see it!’

  Fluffanora, who Tiga normally saw in only two modes – cool and composed or stylish but grumpy – looked like she was about to melt with joy. She held the book gently in her hands and opened it.

  ‘Cool, isn’t it?’ Tiga said.

  Fluffanora cackled. ‘Goodness, Fran must be delighted!’

  ‘Fran?’ Tiga and Lucy said at the same time.

  ‘Yeah,’ Fluffanora said, holding the book up and pointing at a page. ‘She’s in it.’

  ‘Where is Fran?’ Peggy asked, looking around expectantly.

  ‘She wasn’t with me,’ Tiga said. ‘You haven’t seen her yet?’

  ‘No,’ Peggy said slowly. ‘She hasn’t been seen for days …’

  ‘How strange,’ Tiga said, running her hand over the book.

  ‘She’s probably getting her hair done,’ Fluffanora said, dismissively. ‘Come on, let’s go to Clutterbucks.’

  Tiga stared at the page Fluffanora had been reading. It looked like an illustration of Fran … only she was bigger, more witch-sized. And she was dressed like a princess. She also appeared to be in, well, a jelly castle.

  ‘Is that a jelly castle?’ a familiar voice said.

  ‘Oh, hi, Felicity,’ Tiga said, giving her a hug, which was sort of like hugging an aggressive plank of wood. ‘This is Lucy.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, Lucy,’ Felicity Bat said with a bow.

  ‘She used to be evil but now she’s almost nice,’ Peggy explained.

  ‘I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR HER,’ Lucy Tatty said, holding her backpack in front of her face.

  ‘Who brought the mini Tiga?’ Felicity Bat said.

  ‘She’s a Witch Wars fan from Silver City,’ Peggy said, slowly pushing down the backpack from in front of Lucy’s face. ‘And we are thrilled to have her here!’

  Felicity Bat rolled her eyes. ‘What’s the weird book about, then? Princesses in jelly castles?’

  Tiga thrust the book into Felicity Bat’s hand. ‘It’s the weirdest thing. We found this.’

  ‘The Karens by Gloria Tatty,’ Felicity Bat read.

  ‘Yes,’ Tiga went on. ‘But the book wasn’t finished. It ended at this page.’ She tapped it.

  ‘So?’ Felicity Bat said.

  ‘But now, since we last looked, it ends on this page.’

  Felicity Bat narrowed her eyes and inspected it closely. ‘Is that Fran?’

  Tiga nodded. ‘Only she looks big. And she’s a princess. In a jelly castle.’

  ‘You know,’ Felicity Bat said, closing the book and handing it back to her. ‘Ritzy City is only ever nuts when you’re here.’

  Tiga’s face fell.

  ‘But also lots of fun too!’ Peggy said, giving Tiga an encouraging nudge.

  ‘You probably just didn’t see the page,’ Fluffanora said.

  Tiga stared at the book. She was sure one of the Karens on the front cover winked at her. She shook her head. Stop being weird, Tiga.

  ‘Stop being weird, Tiga,’ Felicity Bat said.

  ‘I was thinking exactly that!’ Tiga cried.

  ‘I know,’ Felicity Bat said flatly. ‘I’m perfecting my mind-reading spells today.’

  ‘BUT SHE PROMISES NOT TO USE THEM FOR EVIL, D-O-E-S-N-’T SHE,’ Peggy said sternly.

  Felicity Bat nodded like an obedient cat.

  RITZY CITY POST

  * * *

  * * *

  EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SINKVILLE EXPRESS DRIVER GAYLE GOSTEAM!

  * * *

  * * *

  Gayle Gosteam is the driver of the Sinkville Express. She was originally hired to drive the train by Lucinda Bunch when the line first opened many, many years ago, and now Peggy Pigwiggle has rehired her.

  Gayle Gosteam lost her job when evil Top Witch Celia Crayfish closed down the railway network. Afterwards, she went to the Coves and swapped train driving for partying, roller-skating and eating cake. She was the first and only train driver in Sinkville and did strenuous training above the pipes, driving lots of angry non-witches to work every day.

  Now Gayle’s back in the driving seat, and our reporter sat down for an exclusive interview with this fascinating witch!

  Reporter: Hello, Gayle Gosteam.

  Gayle Gosteam: Hello.

  Reporter: Gayle, you like trains, don’t you?

  Gayle Gosteam: Love them.

  Reporter: Me too. Do you also like planes?

  Gayle Gosteam: Not as much.

  Reporter: Cars?

  Gayle Gosteam: Not as much as trains.

  Reporter: Boats?

  Gayle Gosteam: Um … are these your questions?

  Reporter: Donkeys?

  13

  Clutterbucks

  ‘Whoa!’ Lucy Tatty said, taking a seat at one of the floating tables. ‘Who do you each like the most? Peggy? Tiga?’

  ‘Definitely not Tiga,’ Felicity Bat said, rolling her eyes.

  ‘Wonderful to see you all!’ Mrs Clutterbuck said with a chuckle. ‘Tiga, we miss you around here.’ She clapped her hands and a huge cake and a selection of their favourite Clutterbucks cocktails landed on the table. ‘Enjoy.’

  Tiga was still flicking through the book. ‘I mean, we must’ve just missed it. But I’m sure this page wasn’t here before.’

  ‘Why are you so worried about the book?’ Peggy asked.

/>   Tiga looked up at them all. ‘Because. Well. I’m just a bit worried about Fran.’ She glanced over to another table, where a witch was watching Cooking for Tiny People on a spoon. Zarkle was presenting. ‘Fran’s not on Cooking for Tiny People? And she hasn’t been seen flying around the city screaming? That’s strange.’

  ‘I’m worried about her, too,’ Peggy said, taking a sip of her Clutterbucks. ‘She was quite upset about the new fairy.’

  ‘I just have a weird feeling …’ Tiga began. She placed a hand on the page with the witch-sized Fran dressed like a princess in a jelly castle.

  Felicity Bat cackled and nearly fell off her chair.

  ‘WHAT?’ Peggy demanded.

  Tiga winced. She’d completely forgotten Felicity Bat’s new thing was to read minds. As if impressive long-distance levitating wasn’t enough!

  Felicity Bat could barely speak between the cackles. ‘She … thinks … ha!’

  ‘Tiga, do you want to tell us?’ Peggy said, kicking Felicity Bat under the table.

  Tiga shook her head.

  ‘She’s worried Fran is really out there somewhere, trapped in a jelly castle! Oh, and like the book says, she’s witch-sized and dressed as a princess!’ Felicity Bat said with utter glee.

  Silence engulfed the table.

  Tiga looked at each of them. Except for Lucy, they were all trying not to burst out laughing. Fluffanora was pretending to be interested in the huge neon Clutterbucks sign, biting the side of her mouth. Felicity Bat was smirking and Peggy was puffing out her cheeks, which Tiga knew was trademark Peggy Trying Not to Laugh™.

  ‘You’re all mean!’ Tiga said, throwing her hands in the air and ungracefully slipping off her chair.

  ‘I am your number one fan and I agree!’ Lucy shouted. ‘Fran is probably trapped in a jelly castle!’

  The witches at the next table giggled.

  Felicity Bat stared intently at Lucy Tatty. ‘Fascinating. Her mind is completely filled with Witch Wars trivia.’

  ‘YOU’RE BORING!’ Lucy Tatty roared in Felicity Bat’s face.

  Tiga held Lucy Tatty by the backpack as she tried to lunge at Felicity Bat, her fists flailing. ‘You’ve got to admit it’s weird a picture of Fran appeared in the book and now she’s missing.’

  ‘We don’t even know she’s missing,’ Felicity Bat said dismissively. ‘We just haven’t seen her in a few days. She’s in a huff because Peggy said no, she wouldn’t squash or imprison Zarkle. She’s probably hiding on purpose, to get attention.’

  ‘Fran would never –’ Tiga stopped. ‘Actually, Fran would do that. But I want to know that she’s definitely not trapped in a jelly castle.’

  Felicity Bat picked up her Clutterbucks drink. ‘Suit yourself.’

  Mrs Clutterbuck wandered over and stuck a finger in the cake, scooping up some of the icing. ‘Heard you mention Fran. There’s a fairy outside shouting that Fran’s gone missing. Did you know?’

  ‘WHAT?’ Tiga cried, racing for the door.

  ‘Wait for me!’ Lucy Tatty called after her before turning to Mrs Clutterbuck and thrusting her necklace of shrivelled heads up at her. ‘Will you sign a shrivelled head? I didn’t make one of you because you weren’t that important in Witch Wars, were you?’

  ‘LUCY!’ Tiga cried. ‘PUT DOWN THE SHRIVELLED HEADS.’

  Lucy slowly placed the shrivelled heads on the counter as Mrs Clutterbuck eyed her suspiciously. ‘In your own time,’ Lucy said quietly before cantering out of the door.

  14

  Please Take a Flyer,

  Thank You

  Outside, standing on the pavement directly below a large dripping pipe, stood a messy and mangled fairy.

  ‘Please take a flyer, thank you, I’m looking for my lost friend. Please take a flyer, thank you, I’m looking for my lost friend.’

  Crispy stopped as a particularly large drop of water hit her head from the pipe above. She sidestepped to the left, shook the little soaked flyers in her hand and continued.

  ‘Please take a flyer, thank you, I’m looking for my lost friend. Please take a flyer, thank you.’

  Witches were streaming past Crispy, either completely ignoring her or looking at her with disdain. Her matted and wild hair was half stuck to her face.

  ‘Please take a flyer, thank you, I’m looking for my lost frie–’ A witch accidentally kicked her, sending her flyers soaring into the air. The little ball of mulch tried to leap up and catch them as they fell.

  Tiga darted across the street to where Crispy was standing.

  ‘Have you seen Fran?’ she asked.

  Lucy Tatty caught up with her. ‘Argh, it’s the evil fairy from Witch Wars!’

  ‘I’m perfectly pleasant,’ Crispy said, bent nose in the air. ‘And no, Tiga. She is missing.’

  She handed Tiga a tiny flyer.

  ‘Fran would’ve loved to see so many pieces of paper with her face on it,’ Tiga said glumly, handing one to Lucy, who looked confused.

  ‘I made these flyers to find her. I’ve checked everywhere – her caravan, Brew’s, that little all-you-can-eat Fairy Feast restaurant on Ritzy Lane that she always denies she likes, all her hairdressers. It’s like she’s vanished. Patricia the producer said she couldn’t present Cooking for Tiny People. Zarkle instead, she said. So Fran left. I thought she was going to come back and kill us all! But she didn’t … and then I got worried.’

  Tiga opened the book and began flicking to the Fran page to show Crispy. ‘I found this book and I’m worried that –’ She gasped and dropped it on the ground.

  A new page had appeared. A loose page. A letter.

  It detached from the book and floated to the ground.

  TIGA LETTER: Third (third!) attempt to get in touch with Tiga.

  WISH YOU COULD GET YOUR FRIEND, WHO WAS ONCE A FAIRY BUT IS NOW A WITCH-SIZED PRINCESS IN A JELLY CASTLE, BACK?

  You saw our book – you know that

  WE CAN MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE.

  VISIT THE KARENS! Take the Sinkville Express to the Badlands and follow signs for:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard –

  access via Entrance C.

  No hot water bottles, thank you.

  ‘We need to speak to Gloria Tatty,’ Tiga said urgently, her hand shaking.

  ‘ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING FOR YOU, WE CAN GO TO RAINBOW BONES TO SEE HER RIGHT NOW!’ Lucy Tatty roared. She stopped and raised a finger. ‘But why do we need to speak to Granny?’

  Tiga looked down at the book. ‘Because this book is spooky and seems to know something, and I want to know what the froglollipops is going on.’

  15

  Massive Face

  A few minutes later, Peggy lifted Crispy from the pavement and gave the fairy a cuddle.

  ‘WATCH THE MINI BONES! THE MINI BONES!’

  ‘Sorry,’ Peggy said, awkwardly tossing the fairy from one hand to the other before placing her back on the ground. ‘We’ll take care of this, Crispy. I’ll make more MISSING posters and we’ll put one in the next Ritzy City Post.’

  Crispy was picking her nose and crying. ‘Front page?’

  Peggy nodded.

  Crispy snotted all over the floor. ‘And make Fran’s face huge?’

  ‘Will do,’ Peggy said patiently.

  Felicity Bat patted the little fairy on the back with a look of mild disgust. ‘We’ll find her, and everything will be … what’s the word she loves? Oh yes, fabulous. Everything will be fabulous again.’

  16

  Spellbooks and Dust

  RITZY CITY POST

  * * *

  * * *

  ZARKLE OPENS MAVIS’S

  NEW JAM (AND SOMETIMES

  CATS) STALL!

  * * *

  * * *

  Zarkle has just opened Mavis’s new stall after it was crushed by a falling Sinkville Express carriage this morning. Her refurbished stall will sell her usual seven hundred varieties of jam, and one variety of cat, and now her latest thing: cat-shaped
jam jars.

  We asked Zarkle if she eats jam and she said –

  Unfortunately our reporter rushed off to a dentist appointment and didn’t finish – or indeed practically start – the interview.

  * * *

  * * *

  ADVERTISEMENT

  Still feeling bad about accusing the witches of Silver City and beyond of being involved in the Big Exit when really they were sucked into a hat? Feel guilty no more! Send our special SORRY-WE-THOUGHT-YOU-WERE-EVIL-AND-LEFT-DURING-THE-BIG-EXIT-WHEN-REALLY-YOU-WERE-SUCKED-INTO-A-HAT gift basket. Half price today! Only eighty sinkels.

  Crispy thrust the article up to Felicity Bat as soon as the door to Linden House opened. ‘Where is Fran’s gigantic face, then?’

  Felicity Bat urgently flicked through the paper. ‘She’s, well, not front page …’

  Crispy scrunched up her already scrunched-up nose. ‘Zarkle opening Mavis’s jam stall is front page.’

  Peggy came racing to the door and skidded to a halt.

  ‘But … but … oh, look,’ Felicity Bat went on. ‘Here Fran is, page forty, next to this article on How to Get Dust off Spellbooks.’

  ‘How do you get dust off spellbooks?’ Peggy asked.

  Crispy put her head in her tiny claw-like hands and sighed.

  Felicity Bat held the paper close to her nose and scanned the article. ‘You blow on them.’

  17

  Rainbow Bones

  Tiga stood at the base of a rainbow-coloured tower, smack bang in the middle of all the tall turrets that made up the Towers area of Sinkville. She hadn’t been back since Witch Wars, and seeing Lucy skipping around dressed like her was making her feel woozy.

  Lucy Tatty knocked on the door, just below a sign that read RAINBOW BONES! Instantly, the door was whipped open and an efficient-looking witch with a long face and whirring eyes ushered them up some rainbow-coloured stairs and into a long, wide room – an impossibility given the tower was tall and thin. Tiga was about to ask how the room could possibly be so long when she spotted the decorations – hundreds of rainbow-coloured skeletons dancing up and down the walls.