Bad Mermaids Read online

  ‘Suit yourself,’ Gronnyupple said with a burp as she dived in after Beattie.

  ‘I’m not getting inside a washing machine,’ Zelda said.

  ‘ME NEITHER,’ Steve said, sticking his nose in the air defiantly.

  They both turned slowly and looked at each other.

  ‘I don’t want to wait here with you,’ Zelda said.

  ‘And I don’t want to wait here with you,’ Steve replied.

  They narrowed their eyes at each other, then raced towards the old washing machine and squished inside.

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  FAST FORWARD!

  Wish you could get everything done faster?

  Ever wanted to move so fast no one can see you?

  Well, this is the spell for you – it’ll speed you up!

  INSTRUCTIONS: Chant the spell, while

  holding the supplied jellyfish. If the jellyfish

  glows, the spell has worked.

  Fast as a flash!

  Fat as a whale!

  Speed and stealth

  all in my tail!

  LEGAL NOTE: This spell must not be used for robbing.

  16

  Paris Has a Bumpy Ride

  Paris sat in the seat across the aisle from Susan Silkensocks, who was sitting with her hands in her lap, her fingers tightly wrapped around that silly shell box with the F on it. She was trying to blend in – just a normal mermaid on a whale bus, with an almost-real tail.

  ‘Before we take off, we have a special presentation from Flubiére. Please don’t be alarmed by the promotional pufferfish,’ came a voice over the loudspeaker.

  A bunch of pufferfish with brightly coloured lips made their way through the bus.

  Paris clutched the crystal necklace. Shaking it made her morph, so all she had to do was not shake the necklace. As long as she remained a dolphin, she’d be disguised and Susan Silkensocks would have no idea it was her sitting right across the aisle.

  All she had to do was not shake the necklace.

  The horn on Quentin’s head honked, and the pufferfish left the bus. Before Paris knew what was happening, the door slammed shut and the whale took off, the bus rattling madly on top of it.

  Paris fell off her seat and morphed into a jellyfish.

  ‘Aa-aa-aa-aa-ar-gh!’ she screamed, jiggling about, but it came out as jellyfish silence. She looked over at Susan Silkensocks. It was fine – she was distracted by the view of the magnificent canyons and fish.

  ‘THANK YOU, CANYONS AND FISH!’ Paris cried, but it came out as jellyfish silence.

  She tried frantically to steady the necklace with her stingers, but it was no good. She felt herself stretching and –

  FLIIIIPSLIIIP!

  She was transformed into a shark.

  She bounced up and down, trying to hold the necklace steady in her teeth. Susan Silkensocks began humming.

  ‘Just no more changing, just no more changing,’ Paris said over and over.

  There was a bang, the whale veered to the right, sending the necklace pinging out of Paris’s shark teeth.

  She felt herself shrink.

  Susan Silkensocks began turning towards her.

  Paris could feel the sweat tricking down her forehead and into her nose. She could feel toes.

  ‘NO!’ she cried, as bubbles started streaming through her nose. She looked down and saw her human legs! She floated up fast and hit the ceiling of the bus with a gentle twang.

  ‘Did someone say NO?’ Susan Silkensocks asked, looking around the bus suspiciously.

  Paris held on to the ceiling for dear life, her eyes wide. Susan Silkensocks couldn’t look up. She couldn’t look up! Paris puffed out her cheeks – she couldn’t breathe! She grabbed the necklace and frantically shook it, her face turning blue.

  ‘And where did that dolphin go?’ Susan Silkensocks asked the old couple, just as Paris morphed into a crocodile and landed back down on the seat with a squelch.

  Susan Silkensocks screamed.

  ‘It’s our crocodile, he’s not a dolphin,’ the old lady mermaid said slowly.

  ‘I thought,’ the old man mermaid said, even more slowly, ‘we had a dolphin.’

  ‘Did you say diner?’ the old lady mermaid said. ‘I only eat at the Crunch Diner, because it sells sunken human food.’

  ‘I know that, dear,’ the old man mermaid wheezed. ‘But I said dolphin.’

  ‘No one eats dolphin,’ the old lady mermaid said.

  Paris leaned her huge crocodile head against the window and sighed.

  The whale bus slowed as they approached a large rock wall covered in coral. Strange green eyes on a stone crocodile began flashing as the coral fell away.

  Susan Silkensocks wriggled in her seat. ‘In we go!’

  The whale bus floated smoothly into the tunnel and began rising upwards. Unlike the boats, which were directed to dock in Eggport, the bus went straight to Saltmont.

  ‘Wow, look at it,’ Paris said, though it came out as ‘GNASH, GNASH, GNASH.’

  ‘I hear chomping!’ the old lady mermaid cheered.

  The whale weaved in and out of huge see-through tubes filled with mermaids swimming up and down.

  Below them, Paris could see castle-shaped buildings with spiked turrets and jagged stone bridges connecting them. Clam cars whizzed past on either side, diving to avoid crocodiles. Tiny flashing jellyfish marked out the routes the clam cars could take. Every so often they were stopped by a cluster of crabs forming a cross to signify STOP.

  Huge billboards, like the ones in Lobstertown, displayed moving pictures of a cartoon crocodile and a cartoon eel.

  ‘Wow,’ Paris said, which came out as ‘GNASH’ again. She turned to her mother and practically slipped off her seat.

  Susan Silkensocks was sneakily squeezing out of the window!

  Paris thrashed about, trying to get out of her seat, but her crocodile body felt heavy and slow. She charged as fast as she could at the open window and tried to squeeze through.

  There was a long squeaking sound as her crocodile head slid slowly through the gap before finally jamming.

  ‘Is my trolley talking?’ the old lady mermaid asked. She put an ear to it. ‘I think it is.’

  Paris frantically tried to wriggle free. When she realised she couldn’t, she tried to grab the necklace with her teeth. If she could morph into something smaller she’d be free!

  She gnashed and gnashed and grabbed it right between two teeth. But when she tried to shake it she realised the necklace was stuck. She couldn’t move it enough to shake it.

  She sighed as mermaids stopped and pointed at the whale bus with a crocodile head jammed in the window.

  The bus came to a stop at a sign that said Downtown Saltmont.

  ‘EVERY FIN OFF!’ Jelly shouted, and the old couple moved slowly along the bus, smacking their trolley into every seat on the way.

  A mermaid in an official-looking hat with a triangle on top swam up to Paris the crocodile.

  ‘Unofficial crocodile?’ he said.

  Jelly threw her hands in the air. ‘I didn’t spot it!’

  ‘It’ll need to be approved by Her Fishiness.’ He tapped Paris’s crocodile nose. ‘You’ll need official permission from Dragonholm Palace to swim here. I’ll escort you there myself.’

  Paris looked around desperately as Jelly appeared with a huge razorfish to saw through the window frame.

  Thousands of mermaids swam past. Not one of them was Susan Silkensocks.

  Paris had lost her!

  Jelly finally sawed through the window frame and Paris swam free. She shook her head madly to morph into something else, but with the necklace still stuck in her teeth it wasn’t enough to make it work!

  ‘I’M A GIRL, NOT A CROCODILE!’ she shouted, but it came out as ‘GNASH GNASH GNASH, GNASH GNASH GNASH-GNASH-GNASH!’

  ‘I’m Ronald,’ the mermaid with the official hat said to Jelly. ‘New in town, just moved from Octopolli. Did you hear
about the Chomp crash?’

  Jelly nodded. ‘Something fishy is going on. It’s not normally like this, you know.’

  Paris tried to swim away, but Ronald grabbed her tail. ‘Oh sorry, little croc, just a quick trip to Dragonholm Palace and then you can be on your way!’

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  SHELL TALK!

  Want to talk to your magic mermaid friends when

  they are far away? With this clam compact,

  you can see each other and talk for hours!

  INSTRUCTIONS: Put some sharpits in the

  slot and shout the name of the mermaid

  you wish to speak to. They won’t need a clam

  compact because your face will appear

  on the nearest fish.

  17

  Krilky and the Crabagram Problem

  The washing machine spat Beattie out into a grand stone room with a severe pointed ceiling. Around the room, strange tiny boxes and bottles and bags floated about, guarded by angry-looking, equally tiny fish. Gronnyupple flopped out after her and floated alongside Mimi.

  Zelda and Steve came tumbling out and straightened themselves up.

  ‘Oh wow,’ Zelda said flatly. ‘We’re so much closer to home.’ She tried to grab one of the floating bottles, but the fish guarding it bit her. ‘I did not just get sucked tail-first through a washing machine to be bitten by a fish. And that is a sentence I never thought I’d say.’

  A triangular door rolled up and a mermaid with a cloud of bright blue hair swam in. She looked only a few years older than Beattie, and wore a crown made of spiked shards of emeralds.

  She stopped when she saw Beattie, Mimi and Zelda.

  ‘Found another water witch,’ Gronnyupple said, prodding Beattie. ‘The others aren’t magic.’

  ‘Well, I still don’t believe you’re magic!’ Zelda said to Gronnyupple.

  ‘She’s not magic but she can do fast things with her fingers,’ Gronnyupple said, pointing at Mimi.

  Mimi bowed. ‘I practise fin-fu.’

  The mermaid with the blue hair looked cautiously at Gronnyupple.

  ‘Don’t worry, Your Fishiness!’ Gronnyupple said. ‘They won’t tell anyone about us – they’re from the Hidden Lagoon. Bet that’s a place you’ve never heard of. Surely I get a bonus for that?’

  The mermaid with the blue hair looked intrigued.

  ‘I’m Her Royal Fishiness, Krilky Dragonholm,’ she said, turning to Beattie. ‘Ruler of the Crocodile Kingdom, leader of the Atlantic realms and secret supporter of water witches.’

  ‘I’m Beattie, mermaid from the Hidden Lagoon and apparently a water witch.’

  ‘I’m Mimi,’ Mimi said. ‘I do fin-fu and hear things.’

  ‘I’m Zelda,’ Zelda said. ‘I just got bitten by a fish.’

  ‘AND I AM STEVE,’ Steve said grandly. ‘I’m a miracle until proven otherwise.’

  ‘He thought he was the only seahorse who could speak,’ Gronnyupple whispered to Krilky. ‘Then we told him about all the talking seahorses in Pinkly.’ She winked.

  ‘I help Krilky with my powers from time to time,’ Gronnyupple explained to the others. ‘In return, Krilky gives me sharpits to buy things from Maritza Mist’s Water Witch Catalogue. She’s not magic, so she needs me in order to use them.’

  ‘Gronnyupple has told us a lot about the catalogue,’ Beattie said. ‘And she seems to think I’m also a water witch. But now she’s promised she’ll help us get back to the Hidden Lagoon. We just want to go home.’

  ‘I understand,’ Krilky said. ‘But before Gronnyupple helps you, I need her to deal with a more pressing matter.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Gronnyupple said, shoving Seahorse Surprise sweets into her mouth and staring at Krilky like she was an intense film.

  ‘I have a mission for you, Gronnyupple, and your new friends can join you.’ She turned to Beattie, Mimi and Zelda. ‘But I must stress that you keep this a secret. This meeting never happened. That goes for the seahorse too. Help me with this and I will make sure you get home.’

  ‘I don’t kno–’ Zelda began, but before she could finish, a ringing human phone floated past, hitting her on the head. It halted next to Krilky. She picked up the receiver, releasing a little fish that began spitting bubbles. The bubbles floated together to make words.

  ‘We … have … checked … the … ripple … levels … registering … from … the … area … around … Crabagram … HQ … as … requested … All … normal … and … correct … No … suspicious … activity … noted … Next … step? … Please … advise?’

  The fish spat out the last of the bubble letters and began panting.

  Krilky held the receiver up to her mouth. ‘Thank you, Janet. I have a mermaid team looking into it,’ she said slowly and clearly. The little fish heaved itself into the phone receiver and Beattie watched as a small bulge appeared in the wire, then swam on through it and out of the window.

  ‘What just happened?’ Zelda asked.

  ‘Telephone call,’ Krilky said.

  Zelda looked at Beattie, who shrugged. They didn’t have technology like that in the Hidden Lagoon.

  ‘Strange things are happening in this place,’ Krilky said gravely. ‘Chomp crashes, fights. And from what I hear, there’s always a crabagram at the centre of it. The Chomp accident this morning, for example, was caused because a crabagram ended up pasted to the left eyeball of the lead crocodile driving the train. It unbalanced the crocodile and he went flying, taking the train carriages with him. Usually a crabagram crab would never be so unprofessional as to rest on a Chomp crocodile’s face!’

  Krilky paused to look at them solemnly. ‘There’s something wrong. I thought a mermaid might be tampering with the crabs as they exit from Crabagram HQ. But I fear it’s worse – the problem is somewhere inside Crabagram HQ. I need you to go there and check it out. You’ll need to use magic – mermaids are strictly banned from entering Crabagram HQ. Even me.’

  ‘This actually sounds fun,’ Zelda whispered to Beattie.

  There was a knock at the door. ‘GOT A CROCODILE FOR YOU TO APPROVE, YOUR FISHINESS,’ came a jolly voice.

  ‘Quick, hide,’ Krilky said.

  Beattie looked around the room – there was nothing in it apart from tiny floating bottles and boxes. There was nowhere to hide!

  Krilky looked panicked. ‘This is meant to be a secret operation. No one must see you water witches in here!’

  18

  Fish Eye

  There was another knock on the door. ‘Your Royal Fishiness, I’ve got a new crocodile for you to meet – straight off the whale bus! Needs your royal approval!’

  ‘Everyone relax,’ Gronnyupple said, sticking out her tongue in concentration and plucking a bottle from in front of Beattie. She sprinkled the gooey contents over them.

  There was a bang and they all multiplied.

  Gronnyupple tapped her chin. ‘Ah, that was the wrong bottle.’

  ‘Argh!’ Zelda cried when she saw another Zelda floating next to her.

  Mimi’s double shook hands with her.

  ‘FISH EYE!’ Beattie’s double shouted, as Gronnyupple’s tried – to her horror – to eat one of her Seahorse Surprise sweets.

  The door swung open and Ronald swam inside, lugging Paris the crocodile on his back.

  ‘Oh, I’m terribly sorry,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I didn’t realise you had guests.’ He flipped Paris the crocodile over his shoulder and she flopped into the middle of the room.

  ‘FISH EYE!’ Beattie’s double shouted. ‘FISH EYE! FISH EYE! FISH EYE!’

  Beattie felt her face getting hot with a mixture of fear and embarrassment.

  Gronnyupple grinned. ‘We’re all identical twins, and we are in a club called –’

  ‘FISH EYE!’ Beattie’s double shouted.

  ‘– called Fish Eye,’ Gronnyupple finished.

  ‘How wonderful!’ Ronald said kindly. ‘What does your Fish Eye club do?’


  ‘We save …’ Gronnyupple said with a gulp ‘… fish eyes?’

  ‘An important endeavour,’ Ronald said, pushing Paris the crocodile forward.

  Mimi cocked her head to one side and swam a bit closer. So did her double.

  ‘I approve the crocodile,’ Krilky said quickly. ‘It is free to swim the waters of the Crocodile Kingdom.’

  Ronald paused, picking at a fingernail awkwardly as he tried to find the right words. ‘It’s just … I thought there was a whole ceremony. You know, make a fuss of the new crocodiles?’

  Krilky smiled. ‘We’ll make a fuss later. But right now I really need to finish my meeting with the charity that …’

  ‘Saves fish eyes,’ Gronnyupple said grandly, and with a bow. Beattie stifled a giggle.

  ‘Excellent,’ Ronald said, blushing a little pink and turning to leave. ‘Come on, croc.’

  ‘I’M A GIRL!’ Paris shouted. ‘I WORK AT AN ICE-CREAM STALL!’ though it came out as ‘GNA-GNASH GNASH!’ She had to communicate with her mermaids, so she dug her claws into the side of the door. Without making it too obvious that he was struggling, Ronald tried to pull the crocodile through the door.

  ‘It … doesn’t … want … to … budge,’ he panted.

  ‘Just leave the crocodile, I’ll sort it out later,’ Krilky said impatiently.

  Ronald hung his head and swam away sadly.

  ‘That’s a girl,’ Mimi said casually, pointing at the crocodile.

  Krilky stared at Mimi. ‘A girl crocodile?’

  ‘No,’ Mimi said, shaking her head. ‘Just a girl.’

  ‘What do you mean, a girl?’ Krilky swam up to Beattie, not taking her eyes off Mimi. ‘Is your friend … ill?’

  ‘Mimi has only been sick once in her life,’ Zelda said. ‘She got this horrible rash and then –’

  ‘I’m not sick. She’s a girl, not a crocodile,’ Mimi repeated.

  ‘YOU CAN HEAR ME?’ Paris cried.

  Mimi nodded.

  ‘THE NECKLACE!’ Paris shouted, launching into a big ramble about how it was magic and stuck in her teeth and she’d already been a shark and all sorts of other things. ‘I NEED TO SHAKE IT ONCE TO MAKE ME A MERMAID. JUST ONCE! Two shakes is for dolphin, five for human, three for jellyfish …’