Bad Mermaids Read online

  Mimi inspected the two teeth, and with one swift fin-fu chop knocked out the necklace. Paris grabbed it with her crocodile claw and shook it just the once.

  BOOM!

  Paris the mermaid was back in the room.

  19

  Hilma Goes to a Shockey Match

  The giant Saltmont Shelladium glowed a blinding green. It was quite the sight, floating and secured in place with some really strong seaweed above downtown Saltmont.

  ‘What do mercats eat? Maybe we could lay some food traps,’ Hilma said as they swam into the stadium.

  ‘They eat tiny fish,’ Conrad said quietly.

  Hilma paused. ‘I have no idea where to buy Tiny Fish. What is it? A purée? A foam? An expensive little sweet?’

  ‘No, it’s tiny fish,’ Conrad repeated, as a trail of tiny fish floated past.

  ‘One, two, three, four, three,’ another of the little mermaids said as she counted them.

  Hilma soon grew bored of the conversation and moved on to reading the shockey board. ‘According to this, it’s the Saltmont Slammers and the Lava Assassins playing today. I hate shockey.’

  The Saltmont Slammers were riding crocodiles and the Lava Assassins were on lava waves.

  ‘Why don’t their tails melt?’ the little girl mermaid with bunches asked.

  ‘I’m afraid if you don’t know the answer to that then I can’t tell you,’ Hilma said, who had no idea herself.

  One of the Saltmont Slammer’s crocodiles collided with a Lava Assassin swimmer, sending her flying across the stadium and into the stands. The crowd gasped.

  ‘Boring,’ Hilma said. ‘It reminds me of a mermaid I know called Zelda, who is one of the best shockey players of all time.’

  ‘Wow, you know a mermaid who is the best at shockey?’ the enthusiastic one with the basket wheezed.

  ‘Unfortunately,’ Hilma said. ‘She’s got terrible taste and would probably really like your hat.’ She took it off her and threw it at a player riding past on a lava wave.

  ‘My hat melted!’ the little mermaid wailed.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ Hilma whispered as she scanned the stadium. ‘Nope, don’t see a mercat.’

  A mermaid dressed as a crocodile swam past.

  ‘OI!’ Hilma yelled, grabbing the mermaid’s fake crocodile tail. ‘SALTMONT SLAMMERS’ MASCOT, HAVE YOU SEEN A MERCAT?’

  ‘No,’ the mermaid said, wriggling free of Hilma’s grasp. ‘I’ve been doing laps of the stadium and haven’t seen one. What’s it called?’

  ‘Mrs Slippery Pawpaw,’ Conrad said.

  ‘It probably swam away because you gave it such a disgusting name,’ Hilma said. ‘Right, where were you before the shockey stadium?’

  20

  Packing Up Some Magic

  ‘So you can understand sea creatures,’ Krilky said. ‘You’re a Fish Talker. That’s very impressive. And potentially useful to me.’

  Mimi shrugged. ‘I like to talk to everything.’

  ‘Fish Talkers and water witches have been friends for centuries. Fish talking is almost magic – and just as mysterious,’ Gronnyupple said. She turned to Zelda. ‘You’re the only not-remotely-magic one.’

  Paris floated with her mouth ajar as Krilky inspected her necklace. She wanted to tell them everything, but the shock of successfully finding the mermaids had rendered her speechless.

  ‘There are things floating in this,’ Krilky said, pulling the necklace forwards and Paris with it. Gronnyupple leaned closer and furrowed her brow.

  ‘This is some serious magic,’ she said. ‘Look, there’s a jellyfish, and a dolphin. It’s a morphing necklace. They are almost impossible to make – I know Maritza Mist can’t make them, because I asked her once. This must’ve been made a long, long time ago. Can you morph into the things that are floating in here?’

  Paris nodded.

  ‘Well, what do you know!’ Gronnyupple said with a snort. ‘Another water witch! You wait your whole life to meet one and then two come along at once!’

  ‘OK,’ Paris said with a meek smile.

  ‘Oh no,’ Gronnyupple gasped. ‘There’s an H-word in the necklace too!’

  ‘Just say “human”!’ Zelda said. ‘Unless you mean a hairdryer?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know what we’d do if we found a human in our kingdom,’ Krilky said. ‘I would not want to be that human …’

  Paris gulped.

  ‘Where did you get this?’ Krilky asked.

  Paris’s mouth fell open a bit more and one of the tiny angry fish swam in and out of it. Her mind was racing – if the mermaids hated humans she could hardly say she got it when she was freeing a mermaid on land. Although, freeing a mermaid would make her look good … but then she might have to explain it was her mother who fishnapped the mermaid in the first place. She definitely couldn’t tell them she was a human!

  ‘Found it,’ she eventually rasped.

  ‘You found it?’ Krilky asked, sounding suspicious.

  ‘LUCKY FIND!’ Gronnyupple roared, punching the air. ‘Can we order things from the catalogue now?’

  Krilky pulled Gronnyupple aside and handed her a map. ‘This is how to get to Crabagram HQ.’ She lowered her voice to a whisper. ‘It is crucial that no crab sees you either inside or trying to get in. It’s highly illegal, and I can’t have it traced back to me. I’m the Royal Fishiness.’

  Gronnyupple grunted and began flicking through Maritza Mist’s Water Witch Catalogue.

  ‘We’ll take her too,’ Mimi said, linking arms with Paris. ‘And then she can come home with us. She’s from the same place, aren’t you?’ Mimi winked.

  Paris nodded.

  Gronnyupple waved the catalogue in front of Zelda’s face.

  ‘Seriously?’ Zelda said, grabbing it. ‘I could order some magic?’

  Gronnyupple nodded. ‘You could order it, but you’re not a water witch, so you wouldn’t be able to use it.’

  Zelda’s tail wilted.

  ‘Place your order,’ Krilky said. ‘And then get on with the mission.’

  ‘We’ll take … one of everything,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘This month is a good one.’

  Beattie leaned over to take a peek.

  ‘It updates automatically by magic,’ Gronnyupple said, running her hand over it.

  While the others were busy, Mimi pulled a still bewildered Paris to one side. ‘It’s all right. I know you’re a human. Don’t worry, you’re safe.’

  ‘Can you hear my thoughts too?’ Paris whispered, her eyes wide.

  ‘No, I just heard you shouting about an ice-cream stall when you were a crocodile, and I remember you from when I was on land. I thought you looked familiar. The tail threw me.’

  Paris breathed a sigh of relief and launched herself at Mimi, hugging her tightly. ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  ‘Well, that latest order won’t arrive for a few days, so we’ll have to make do with what we have here,’ said Gronnyupple. She swam over and began plucking potions and boxes from around the room and stuffing them in Paris’s backpack. ‘Magic supplies! Magic supplies!’ she sang.

  ‘Do you have a magic plan to get us inside Crabagram HQ unnoticed?’ Beattie asked hopefully.

  Gronnyupple snorted. ‘Ha! I never have a plan.’

  ‘FISH EYE!’ Beattie’s double shouted.

  ‘Leave the doubles here,’ Krilky said. ‘They’ll fade soon. Good luck on your mission.’

  Gronnyupple bowed. ‘Thank you, Your Fishiness.’

  Krilky bowed her head. ‘Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to check the shockey score.’ She turned to the wall and pressed a button. A stone screen popped up showing the latest shockey match.

  ‘Bye … Fishiness,’ Beattie said as she swam straight past, but she stopped before she reached the door. ‘That mermaid at the shockey match looks just like Hilma,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Zelda said, dragging Beattie out of the room. ‘Because Hilma has swum off the boat and taken herself to a shockey match.’

 
‘You’re right,’ Beattie said. ‘I’m being ridiculous.’

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  TINY-IT!

  One drink makes you shrink!

  Ever wanted to make yourself the size of a

  small rock or even a single grain of sand?

  Well, now you can! Tiny-It is a simple sip

  potion that can be used to make any

  mermaid pocket-sized.

  WARNING: In line with Water Witch Council rules,

  you must not use this potion more than three times a year,

  due to risks of permanent shrinkage.

  21

  Return of the Clam Car

  The five mermaids, and Steve, took one of the secret back entrances out of Dragonholm Palace and emerged in the grand gardens. Gronnyupple swam on ahead. ‘We’ll need to take the Chomp all the way to Lava. There’s Saltmont Station just up here on the edge of the park – next to the coral maze.’

  Before they reached it, Beattie saw crowds of mermaids swimming around in an angry-looking clump. A mermaid in an official Chomp cap and with a large crocodile badge on his arm was directing them away.

  ‘CHOMP CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!’ Beattie could hear him shouting as they swam closer.

  ‘Closed?’ Gronnyupple said. ‘That never happens.’

  ‘Why is it closed?’ Zelda asked the Chomp mermaid.

  ‘Nothing to be alarmed about,’ he said. ‘Just a bit of a crashing problem. Travel has been suspended until we’re sure the Chomp network is safe.’

  ‘Well, this is a problem,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘Lava is far away, it’ll take us days to swim it.’

  Paris tugged at Mimi’s arm.

  ‘We need to find my mother,’ she said urgently. ‘She’s an H-word. But she’s disguised as a mermaid.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice of her. Did she join you for the swim?’ Mimi chirped.

  ‘No, no,’ Paris said, talking fast. ‘She’s going to dig this place up and fishnap all the mermaids. She’s building a Mermaid World on land and is here to find things to fill it!’

  ‘OK,’ Mimi said with a kind smile. ‘I’ll just tell the others.’

  ‘You can’t!’ Paris cried. ‘You saw how much Krilky and Gronnyupple hate H-words. If we tell them about my mother, they’ll know I’m a human.’

  ‘Well, we have this mission to do first, and it seems very important,’ Mimi said. ‘Maybe we’ll see your mother on the way there.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand. My mother, she’s troub–’

  A mermaid pushed between them before Paris could finish. ‘LET ME ON, YOU MENACE!’ she shouted at the Chomp mermaid. ‘I NEED TO GET ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN!’

  ‘CHOMP CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!’ he shouted back. ‘TAKE THE SWIMWAY!’

  Beattie looked to where he was pointing – curving all around the pointed buildings of Saltmont were hundreds of clear pipes, filled with mermaids and streams of bubbles.

  ‘Bubbles make them go faster,’ Gronnyupple said when she noticed Beattie looking. ‘Unfortunately for us, the swimways just go around Saltmont, not out of town to Lava.’

  There was a groaning noise that echoed loudly, causing all the fish and mermaids to stop.

  ‘Uh-oh …’ Gronnyupple said, just as Beattie spotted the problem. One of the swimways was packed to bursting with mermaids.

  ‘THE SWIMWAYS CAN’T TAKE THIS MANY OF US!’ one of the mermaids in the crowd shouted, swimming fast towards the pipe, just as there was an almighty crack and the pipe exploded, scattering mermaids everywhere.

  ‘Quickly!’ someone shouted. ‘Get the Cod Bods!’

  ‘Cod Bods?’ Paris said.

  ‘The emergency medical mermaids,’ Beattie said.

  ‘Oh, like doctors and nurses,’ Paris said.

  Zelda spun round. ‘Wait, how do you know human words?’

  Mimi widened her eyes at Zelda to get her to be quiet.

  ‘Curious,’ Zelda said, raising her eyebrow.

  ‘What’s curious?’ Gronnyupple said.

  ‘Oh, um, nothing,’ Zelda said, not taking her eyes off Mimi, who was now shaking her head. ‘Gronnyupple, don’t you have a spell that could get us to Lava?’

  ‘Good idea!’ Gronnyupple cried, pulling Paris by the backpack and rifling around inside. ‘Ah, I do have some fast forward.’ She shook the jar. ‘But only enough for one mermaid, and we all need to get there.’ She dug a little deeper into Paris’s backpack. ‘Ah ha! I also have an extra sachet of Floop, only this is a more powerful blend.’

  ‘What does the more powerful blend do?’ Beattie dared to ask.

  Gronnyupple shrugged. ‘Find things better? I don’t know. Why don’t you try it? Open the sachet, run the gloop through your fingers and think about finding a way to get to Lava. Then hold out your hand and the thing we most need will fall into it!’

  Beattie reluctantly ripped the sachet open to the sound of Zelda sniggering.

  ‘I still don’t believe this stuff,’ Zelda said.

  Beattie ran her hand through the gloop and squeezed her eyes shut. She imagined soaring over the spiky rooftops of Saltmont. ‘IS ANYTHING HAPPENING?’ she shouted.

  ‘Nah,’ Zelda said. ‘Now if we could just –’

  ‘Just what?’ Beattie said. ‘Zelda?’ She opened her eyes to see them all looking up, their mouths hanging open.

  ‘What is it?’ Beattie said slowly, just as a huge clam car fell on to her hand, and the rest of her, with a crunch.

  ‘IT WORKED!’ Zelda cried, as a thick cloud of sand and bits of coral mushroomed around them.

  Zelda pushed Mimi and Paris out of the way so she could pull Beattie free.

  Beattie coughed and spluttered and spat out sand. She felt like she’d just eaten a beach. When the sand cleared, she could see that it wasn’t just any old clam car.

  ‘It’s our clam car,’ Mimi explained to Paris. ‘We decorated it back in our lagoon.’

  ‘Unbelievable!’ Beattie cried as she swam around it. It was the real thing, with the little doodle of the piranha in the sandwich and everything.

  Gronnyupple lifted the lid on the clam car and clambered inside. ‘To Lava!’

  ‘We can do this,’ Beattie said quietly. ‘We have magic on our side.’

  ‘And fin-fu!’ Mimi said cheerily. ‘And Fish Talking.’

  ‘And morphing,’ Paris said, holding up her necklace.

  ‘I’ll just drive, shall I?’ Zelda said flatly.

  THE SQUEAKER

  SEAHORSE SURPRISE!

  The classic Crocodile Kingdom sweet is back – with a new and improved recipe. A thick, delicious jigglesand shell can be cracked open or sucked for hours, revealing a second surprise sweet inside!

  WARNING: Never feed to crocodiles. It gives them too much energy and makes them swim upright or, in extreme cases, belly up.

  DON’T FORGET: Auditions to become the face of Seahorse Surprise are happening now. Think you could be the new face? Then swim on down to our factory at Nibblehollow to audition!

  22

  Crabagram HQ

  The first thing Beattie noticed about Lava was the rumbling. The city was built into the rim of a volcano, with hundreds of houses, shops and swimways carved into the rock.

  The clam car swirled down past the Redmelt Hotel and a long line of mermaids riding on a wave of lava.

  Paris snored loudly in the back, surrounded by the packets of Seahorse Surprise she’d scoffed. Mimi patted her head. ‘Poor Paris is exhausted. She’s been on quite the adventure.’

  ‘According to Krilky’s instructions, the entrance to Crabagram HQ is hidden next to a place called Clawbridge Manor,’ Beattie said, as she wiped the steamed-up window and peered out. She could barely see the names of the houses behind the dripping lava.

  ‘Is it just me or is it really hot in here?’ Zelda said, turning round in her seat to see steam wafting from Steve.

  ‘THERE IT IS!’ Beattie cried. ‘Clawbridge Manor!’r />
  Zelda pulled a lever on the clam car, making it screech to a halt.

  They watched in silence as a crab scuttled down the rocky street, cradling a crabagram.

  ‘Where did he come from?’ Beattie said. ‘Did anyone see?’

  ‘Maybe HQ is in the house,’ Mimi said.

  ‘No,’ Beattie said, pointing at an old sunken postbox next to the house. ‘That’s it.’

  ‘What is it?’ Gronnyupple said. ‘A red present?’

  ‘It’s an old human postbox,’ Beattie said. ‘They put letters in them.’

  ‘Ah!’ Gronnyupple said with a snort. ‘It’s a joke! Most mermaids wouldn’t know that – I would’ve guessed red presents. Good one, crabs!’

  A crab peeped through the slot and then jumped out.

  ‘See,’ Beattie said, feeling slightly smug about figuring it out. Her time on land with legs had definitely been worth it!

  ‘Remember what Krilky said,’ Gronnyupple whispered. ‘We can’t let the crabs see us entering. Only Beattie and I can use magic – if you don’t count snoring Paris – so we’ll go. You all keep watch.’ ‘EXCUSE YOU. If Beattie is going in, I am coming too,’ Steve said.

  ‘That’s very sweet of you, Steve, but I can look after myse–’

  ‘It’s because I don’t want to stay in the car with Zelda,’ Steve said, cutting her off.

  ‘Oh, OK,’ Beattie said as she began searching through Paris’s backpack. ‘What magic should we use?’

  Gronnyupple grinned. ‘I have just the thing.’

  The Tiny-It potion tasted terrible, like rotten foam shake, Beattie thought. And the shrinking didn’t work uniformly all over – her hair didn’t shrink nearly as much as her tail, and one of her hands remained quite large.

  ‘It’s not very good, is it?’ she hissed at Gronnyupple.

  ‘No spell is perfect,’ Gronnyupple said, with one eye three times the size of the other.

  It was a long drop inside the old sunken postbox. Beattie, Gronnyupple and Steve swam down and down, past rock caves covered in scuttling crabs. They seemed to move in sensible lines, darting in and out of caves, carrying soggy seaweed crabagrams and parcels. Crabs floated in from every angle, landing on the rock and joining queues. Rickety lifts went up and down, carrying parcels and clumps of crabs to different floors.