Bad Mermaids Read online

  ‘What are we looking for?’ Beattie said as they reached the very bottom. A crab barged past, making her jump.

  ‘You don’t need to worry!’ Gronnyupple said. ‘We’re so tiny they can’t see us. We’re practically microscopic! Good old Tiny-It potion. One drink makes you shrink!’

  Steve was his regular size, because no crab would worry about a seahorse swimming by. He was nevertheless being cautious and was swimming along the floor flat on his back. Only the cone top he was wearing stuck out.

  ‘And the beauty of being small –’ Gronnyupple said with a smile, gesturing towards one of the crabagram crabs passing by – ‘is that the words are so big you can read everything clearly … See, that one says … FOR STACEY SL–’

  The crab had already gone.

  Gronnyupple chuckled nervously. ‘I suppose the downside is the words are so overwhelmingly large, and the crabs are moving so fast it’s difficult to read them.’ She shot off after the crabagram trying to read it.

  ‘SLOPSIT!’ she shouted back to them. ‘IT’S FOR A MERMAID CALLED STACEY SLOPSIT.’

  Beattie put her tiny head in her tiny hands.

  ‘What are we even looking for?’ she said, as a line of crabs walked past, the sound of their scuttling legs was almost deafening.

  ‘Strange things,’ Gronnyupple said, swimming up to Beattie and whispering in her ear.

  ‘We’re all strange,’ Steve said.

  MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE CLAM CAR …

  Paris jolted awake. ‘Eee-eeek!’ she shouted.

  ‘Paris is a human,’ Mimi said casually, as soon as Gronnyupple was out of sight. ‘She thought Gronnyupple might do something to her if she told her.’

  ‘Ah, makes sense!’ Zelda said. ‘Wait. Do you work at an ice-cream stall?’

  Paris rubbed her eyes. ‘Yes. Where you did your summer on land with legs.’

  ‘You knew about that?’ Zelda said. ‘I thought no one saw us.’

  ‘Just me,’ Paris said proudly. ‘Actually, that’s the reason I’m here. Because I … well … I put some trackers on you, figured out you were in the Crocodile Kingdom, accidentally revealed the location of the Crocodile Kingdom to my mother, who was planning to attack your Hidden Lagoon to stock up her Mermaid World – long story – but has now turned her attention to this kingdom, and, well, she’s here and I need to find her and stop her.’

  Zelda smiled and patted Paris on the back. ‘Don’t worry, one human won’t be a problem. There are bigger problems in this town at the moment. And Krilky thinks it’s got something to do with the crabs.’

  ‘Wait,’ Paris said. ‘Crab problems?’

  ‘That’s why we’re here,’ Zelda explained. ‘Weren’t you listening? Krilky thinks the strange things happening around town are something to do with the crabagram crabs, so we’re checking it out.’

  ‘I didn’t hear anyone talking about crabs!’ Paris cried. ‘I just knew you were on some royal mission. No one said “crab” to me!’

  ‘I guess most of that conversation happened before you barged in as a crocodile,’ Zelda said.

  ‘It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know,’ Mimi said sweetly. ‘You know now.’

  ‘No, no,’ Paris said urgently. ‘But I know what the crabagram problem is! It’s my mother! Susan Silkensocks! She released millions of crabs into the sea – all over the world. It’s just a distraction. A way to cause havoc. Phase one of her plan! We need to find her.’

  There was a knock on the window.

  ‘Yep, that spell did not last. The crabs saw me. Lots of them. That was one hundred per cent unsuccessful,’ Gronnyupple said. She was floating outside with a crab clipped to her ear, one on to her nose and a few on her tail and fingers. ‘More are on the way to nip me. Could you let me in?’

  ‘Where’s Beattie?’ Zelda shouted out to her.

  Gronnyupple pointed to the expanding mermaid trying to claw her way out of the postbox.

  Zelda shot out of the clam car and pulled Beattie to safety. An angry crab with a soggy seaweed crabagram had attached itself to her tail. Zelda prised it off and turned it over. There was no official CRABAGRAM stamp on the underside of its shell.

  ‘It’s not a real crabagram crab,’ Zelda said, pulling the soggy crabagram note from its pincers and stuffing it inside her waistcoat. ‘Beattie!’ she said. ‘We need to tie as much seaweed as possible around the postbox!’

  ‘Why?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘TO STOP SUSAN SILKENSOCKS’S FAKE CRABAGRAM CRABS FROM GETTING OUT!’

  ‘Huh?’ Beattie said, slapping away an angry crab with her tail. ‘Who is Susan Silkensocks?’

  ‘I’LL EXPLAIN IN THE CLAM CAR,’ Zelda said as she began wrapping the postbox with seaweed at shockey speed.

  Beattie helped tie it all in place and they landed back in the clam car with a thump.

  Zelda pulled the top down and fired up the engine.

  A bunch of pincer-shaped dents appeared in the roof.

  ‘Time to get out of here,’ Zelda said.

  ‘Wait!’ Beattie cried. ‘Where’s Steve?’

  An unmistakeable scream erupted from somewhere above them.

  ‘THERE HE IS!’ Beattie shouted, pointing at a crab carrying a big yellow bag of Seahorse Surprise. ‘That crab’s got him in its claw!’ It scuttled across the roof of Clawbridge Manor and disappeared through one of the cracks in the rock.

  ‘He could be going anywhere,’ Beattie said.

  ‘Nah!’ Gronnyupple said confidently. ‘That’s one of the Seahorse Surprise return sacks. You know, for faulty Seahorse Surprise sweets. That crab is going straight to the Schweetie factory in Nibblehollow.’

  ‘Then that’s where we need to go,’ Beattie said firmly.

  ‘He’s a really unfortunate shape,’ Gronnyupple said. ‘What are the chances of being shaped exactly like a sweet?’

  THE SQUEAKER

  WHY NOT SWIM OFF FOR A

  WEEKEND TO LAVA’S NEWLY

  REVAMPED REDMELT HOTEL?

  Squeaker readers will get an exclusive first look. Swim around the gardens with their impressive lava waterfalls, or curl up inside with a copy of the latest Squeaker and Lava’s famous drink – the Hot Melty.

  23

  Schweetie

  ‘We could be on our way home, but no –’ Zelda said – ‘we have to save Steve.’

  ‘That’s not very nice, Zelda,’ the false teeth said with a snap.

  ‘Very funny, Mimi,’ Zelda said, grabbing them from her and shoving them down the side of the seat.

  Beattie’s eyes were fixed ahead. Paris was in the front seat, doing the same. Only she wasn’t looking for the Schweetie factory, she was looking for her mother.

  Paris banged her head against the window. If she was her mother, what would she be doing right now? ‘We need to find her,’ she whispered to Beattie. ‘She can do a lot worse than fake crabagram crabs.’

  ‘As soon as we get Steve we’ll find your mother and make sure nothing else goes wrong,’ Beattie reassured her.

  ‘Krilky isn’t going to like us doing fun things,’ Gronnyupple said.

  ‘THIS ISN’T A FUN THING!’ Zelda cried.

  Gronnyupple fiddled nervously with her tail, then leaned forward and whispered, ‘We’re going to a sweet factory. It’s quite hard to bring up a sweet factory in conversation and convince someone it was not fun.’

  ‘We solved her crabagram problem though,’ Zelda said. ‘Fake crabs! We blocked their exit from Crabagram HQ. We’ll let Krilky know, and she can order a clean-up.’

  Gronnyupple looked confused. ‘How did you figure it out?’

  ‘Um,’ Zelda said. They all fell silent. Now wasn’t the time to explain to Gronnyupple that Paris was actually a human. She might freak out and the clam car could not contain a panic.

  ‘OH LOOK!’ Gronnyupple cheered. ‘There it is!’

  Nibblehollow was small compared to Saltmont, with little clusters of mermaid houses in the rocks. The Schweetie factory sat smac
k bang in the middle, a tall and spindly building covered in glistening gemstones. Smoke was billowing out of the holes up and down its side.

  ‘It’s Schweetie, Beattie!’ Zelda said, chuckling to herself. She’d been waiting to say that the whole way there.

  Inside, Gronnyupple grabbed a handful of display sweets and shoved them in her mouth. Then spat them out when she realised they were fake and made of rock.

  ‘Think I almost broke a tooth,’ she said to herself, putting her fist in her mouth and fishing around for it.

  The woman at reception, whose name badge said LOLLY, looked concerned.

  ‘We’re looking for a small seahorse,’ Beattie said. ‘Goes by the name of Steve. I think he might’ve been delivered by crabagram.’

  ‘Oh,’ Lolly said. ‘That Steve.’

  Beattie paused. ‘What do you mean, that Steve?’

  Steve floated back and forth on the studio set, wearing a pair of shell headphones.

  ‘BEATTIE!’ he cried. ‘I’m only THE NEW FACE OF SEAHORSE SURPRISE! Apparently the usual model, Finella Flopsy, was in the Chomp accident and couldn’t make it – so here I am!’

  They were filming the advert for Seahorse Surprise. Steve was to be a grumpy seahorse teenager, listening to music on his shell headphones and swimming around his messy bedroom.

  They had asked if he would wear something other than his cone top.

  He said no.

  ‘All right, Steve,’ Lolly said, inspecting the tiny set. ‘Let’s do a first take. Remember, you sing the Seahorse Surprise jingle, while dancing around your bedroom.’

  ‘My bedroom is my false teeth. And this bedroom looks like a normal mermaid bedroom,’ Steve said.

  ‘I know … Someone mentioned your bedroom is a pair of false teeth. But you see, the thing is, we decided the false teeth are perhaps a bit weird. So we made a normal bedroom instead.’

  ‘Excuse you! I want a fake version of my usual bedroom,’ Steve said, curling his tail extra tight in protest.

  Lolly looked over to the other factory mermaids. They nodded.

  ‘Very well. We’ll reconstruct the set and make the bedroom some large false teeth. We can make them out of candyjelly. Hang on …’

  ‘You never told me how you figured out the crabagram problem,’ Gronnyupple said, as a mermaid straightened Steve’s cone top. ‘How did you know to look for fake crabs?’

  ‘We got some more information,’ Beattie said. ‘But you have to promise not to freak out.’

  Gronnyupple scrunched up her face. ‘Do I look like the kind of mermaid who freaks out?’

  ‘Paris is a human,’ Zelda said, as the music started and Steve cleared his throat. The lights flashed.

  Gronnyupple slowly turned to Paris, her tail shaking. ‘H-WORD!’ she cried, before turning and smacking her head on a particularly large stone Seahorse Surprise, and knocking herself unconscious.

  ‘Well, that went as expected,’ Zelda said, chewing on a sweet as Steve began bouncing around the messy false teeth, singing –

  ‘Seahorse Surprise!

  Seahorse Surprise!

  A feast for your eyes!

  You gotta buys …

  SEAHORSE SURPRISE!’

  There was a set malfunction. The teeth snapped closed. Everyone gasped.

  The teeth popped back open.

  Steve turned to the camera, his shell top slightly asquint.

  ‘Talk to the seahorse,’ he said confidently.

  ‘CUT!’ Lolly cried, clapping madly. ‘Oh that was perfect!’

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  KA-POP!

  This paste is really something special! It comes

  in a huge, black, sparkly tube and when applied

  causes the mermaid to become a living magnet.

  Everything within sight will stick to you. Very

  handy when going on holiday or moving

  house. Or apply to small areas to create great

  visual effects! Maritza Mist suggests applying

  to your tail when swimming near seaweed,

  for instant seaweed tail!

  Can be pre-activated if required.

  24

  Hilma at the Redmelt Hotel

  ‘Welcome to the Redmelt,’ the mermaid at the reception desk said. ‘Is it your first time in Lava?’

  Hilma peered out of the hotel window. There was a cluster of houses, all higgledy-piggledy and coated in dripping lava.

  ‘Can I interest you in one of our famous Hot Melty drinks and perhaps a bite to eat? We can get anything delivered here – Ringletti, Saltmont squidgies, Seahorse Surprise sweets, Jellywich?’

  The kids floated in a neat row and all chimed, ‘Jellywich!’

  ‘One for each of us,’ one of them said with a smile. ‘That’s one, two, three, four, three.’

  ‘FIVE COMES AFTER FOUR,’ Hilma snapped. ‘And one for me too.’

  ‘And your name?’ the mermaid asked Hilma. ‘For the order.’

  ONE HOUR LATER …

  ‘We’re looking for a mercat,’ Hilma said as Jellywich oozed out of the gaps in her teeth and dribbled down her chin. ‘It goes by the embarrassing name of Mrs Slippery Pawpaw?’

  The receptionist shook his head. ‘I’m afraid I haven’t seen a mercat.’ He paused, then coughed.

  ‘Pardon you,’ Hilma said.

  He coughed again and held out his hand. ‘A tip … for ordering the Jellywiches?’

  Hilma grabbed one of the brown caps and plonked it on his head. ‘You are so welcome.’

  MARITZA MIST’S

  WATER WITCH CATALOGUE

  THE FROSTOPIA FREEZE

  If there’s one thing we mermaids of Frostopia know, it’s how to freeze! This is a drinking potion – gulp it down and enjoy being suspended in a glorious block of ice. The ice block will also show your favourite TV show while you relax inside it. Simply get a friend to slap the block of ice to activate it. The volume can be controlled by moving your eyeballs up or down.

  25

  Crunch Diner

  The mermaids swam out of the Schweetie offices, just as a whale swam into it, smashing the building to pieces.

  They stared, bewildered by the carnage.

  ‘That’s a demolition whale,’ Mimi said. ‘And it seems to think it received a crabagram order to knock the building down. Or at least, that’s what it’s shouting.’

  ‘This is all my fault,’ Paris said as she watched Lolly emerge from the rubble.

  ‘At least I’d already filmed the advert,’ Steve said.

  They all glared at him.

  ‘What?’ he said. ‘If this kingdom needs anything right now, it’s a miracle until-proven-otherwise talking seahorse and a bit of light entertainment.’

  Zelda pulled the crabagram from her waistcoat. ‘I got this from the fake crabagram crab.’

  UNDER THE NEW LAWS, SOUP SERVED

  AT THIS DINER MUST NOW BE STIRRED

  BY VENOMOUS FISH – FOR SAFETY.

  VENOMOUS FISH HAVE BEEN PROVEN

  TO KEEP MERMAIDS HEALTHY.

  ‘That’s nonsense! And what if you actually ate one of the venomous fish?’ Gronnyupple said with a shiver. ‘That’s made-up and dangerous!’

  ‘Imagine if that diner got a crabagram like that,’ Beattie said, pointing down Crabbie Alley.

  ‘Wait a sockond!’ Paris cried as she swam fast down the alleyway. ‘I know that diner!’

  They all weaved closer – a rusting sign hung above the entrance:

  The Crunch Diner

  ‘How could you possibly know it?’ Beattie asked.

  ‘The old mermaid couple on the whale bus mentioned this place!’ Paris said, eyeing the poster in the cave window.

  ‘The only place in Saltmont that sells fresh Jellywiches – new deliveries daily,’ Beattie said, reading the poster.

  Paris tapped the one next to it. It had feet drawn all over it and a simple message:

  The Crocodile Kingdom’s on
ly source of sunken

  human food. Try an old red cabbage, or an egg!

  ‘This is it!’ Paris cried as she swam for the door. ‘My mother will be here! I’m sure she overheard the old couple on the bus, plus she’d be hungry after the journey, and she’s far too fussy to eat mermaid food.’

  The place was empty, apart from a mermaid behind the counter. He was crying.

  Paris stopped dead in her tracks and turned as pale as her tail. ‘My mother’s definitely been here.’

  ‘What?’ Beattie said.

  ‘Look at the crying waiter,’ she said.

  ‘Mermaids cry,’ Zelda said. ‘He could be crying about anything.’

  ‘THAT HORRIBLE MONSTER! SHE STOLE ALL MY SUNKEN HUMAN FOOD. IT TOOK ME YEARS TO COLLECT THAT. AND THE POTATO WAS JUST GROWING ITS LEGS!’

  Paris sighed. ‘She found this place –’

  ‘And then she robbed it,’ Zelda finished.

  Paris’s tail wilted.

  ‘Do you have a phone I could use?’ Gronnyupple asked the waiter. ‘I need to make an important call about some fake crabs.’

  The waiter looked up and wiped his wet nose. ‘Oh, yes, of course.’

  As Gronnyupple went to call Krilky, Beattie took a seat at the stone bar with the others. A jellyfish floated past, piled high with empty plates.

  ‘I still have one egg left,’ the waiter said, cracking it open.

  They all watched as it floated away and out the door.

  ‘You’re meant to lick it before it leaves,’ he said, his voice quivering.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ Mimi said. ‘I actually don’t think many mermaids like human sunken food anyway. I’d love a Jellywich.’

  The waiter beamed at her. ‘Coming right up.’

  ‘So we need to talk about how we’re going to get home,’ Zelda said. ‘Gronnyupple completed her mission for Krilky. They can take it from here. Now she can help us.’